Area Woman Tricked by Condom Myth

Flagstaff, Texas- Recent mother of twins Bailey Hunter, 22, conceived her children when the father said that he "couldn't feel it" when he wore a condom during intercourse. "Hell yeah I believed him, it is a tricky little rubber thing, I didn't want to make him feel left out, the poor thing," said Bailey. "He's got those big sad eyes, I couldn't see him cry."

Much to Bailey's surprise, this is a myth. We caught up with the father, who wants to remain anonymous, and asked him to comment on the difference between wearing a condom versus not wearing one. "There's a slight difference I guess, I probably just told her that because I didn't want to have to go get one....Who is this girl you're talking about again?" When informed of Bailey's condition, the father bolted into the nearby woods, never to be seen again.

Bailey was not on birth control when she became pregnant. "I don't want no doctors touching me, and I'd have to get a prescription for them little pills. I probably wouldn't remember to take them anyways," Bailey said with a laugh.

Upon asking if she was in the habit of having unprotected sex, Bailey said, "Well shoot, I thought I smoked and drank too much to get preggers. Guess I was wrong!" Her twins, Veronica and Peter, started crying and she shouted for them to "shut their yappers." "I shouldn't be a momma, but the Lord gave 'em to me, so I should put up with them."

We conducted a survey of women ages 16 to 25 to see how many women actually made concessions similar to Bailey's when deciding whether or not to use a condom. A majority, 65%, said they had given similar leeway to men in the past, and an overwhelming majority, 99%, of this group have conceived as a result of this decision.

There are many other myths that have permeated the market, such as, "I can't get an erection with a condom," "My balls fall off if I wear a condom," and "A black hole opens up within the earth's core and everyone you love falls into a fiery pit of doom...if I wear a condom." The National Institute of Health has stated that all of these statements are false, and if believed will mostly likely result in pregnancy, a sexually transmitted disease, or a skin rash from stray semen.

To further awareness, many college campuses have created slogans such as, "Rubber or No Dice Brother," "Wrap it or Slap it," and "I Condemn You Without a Condom." These are often sold in campus bookstores on everything from bumper stickers, wristbands, hats, t-shirts, flags, notebooks, and yup, you guessed it-condoms.

Happy Little Lecherous Leprechaun Day!

My views (and obviously The Onion's) on St. Patty's Day celebrations in the US of A.

Stere O' typin'

I'm Irish....I promise.


P.S. If a little ginger bearded man pops out of a forest and tells you to follow him to his "magic pot o' gold" just say, "No thank you," and go on your merry way.

It's Sad, But True

This is the way elections are settled now, I can't wait to get out my brass knuckles for the general election in November. I'm not about to let some rat bastard take down my president with one sucker punch.

http://www.theonion.com/video/romney-santorum-supporters-to-beat-living-shit-out,27633/

White Boy Who Says "Jigga" Still Being Offensive

TIPTON, Oh.- Tipton native and self-proclaimed "whigger", Corey Banks is still being a piece of rubbish when saying the word "jigga" in place of the highly offensive n-word.

"Nah homes, I can't get slapped for that. I didn't put no 'n' at the front, it's cool," Banks said. But it's widely known in his hometown and the national community that he's still a disrespecting, racist fool. "He's gonna get hurt saying that word some day, and I'm gonna laugh," said his best friend Gerard Truman. "I love watching an a$$ beating."

When I spoke with some local African Americans about Banks' use of the word, one of them, Thomas Dungan said, "How could he be so ignorant to think that one letter means he's changed the meaning? He knows very well what that word means, I know what that word means, so I don't use it-none of my black friends do, because it's disrespectful. It's a shame that a white man is trying to covet a black man's society, and is doing so by insulting our entire race. Homeboy needs to go home and play some video games." A small crowd had gathered and promptly applauded after Dungan's speech. They then proceeded to put him on the shoulders of a large man and march to the center of town chanting their praise.

My interview with Dungan abruptly concluded, I went to speak with a perplexed Mrs. Banks. "You're going to have to explain to me what a 'jigga' is. I've tried asking my son, but he mumbles and tells me to 'f*%k off'," she said mid-laugh. "He's just so silly, 'jigga' this, 'jigga' that, 'ey jigga, when we throwing a kegger in this piece?' It never gets old." When told the translation of all the gems her son Corey had been saying, such as, 'superman dat hoe,' and 'getting dome,' she was silent and could not avert her eyes from the TV. (We quietly left out the back door and called the paramedics, she's still under bed rest, but has regained the power of blinking.)

Corey, confronted by all of this information, said, "Jigga, you think I give a f*%k? Now move the f*%k out of the way, you're blocking Maury!" Mr. Banks could be heard deeply sobbing in the kitchen. He had just gotten off the phone with Mrs. Banks' doctor who said that the damage was irreversible. Mrs. Banks was diagnosed as terminally mute. When we called her for an update, all that was heard were scratches and what sounded like a faint "Jigga say what?" in the background.