"I'm Important," Said College Graduate

EVERYWHERE- The arrival of the end of spring also marks an increasingly graceful transition here on planet Earth- the release of millions of college graduates. Their eyes shine, their step quickens, and their blood flows to their genitals as they cross the stage and accept the piece of paper that declares their competence. After the necessary photos with professors, family members, beer buddies, and respected colleagues, their real work begins: moving all of their thrice-loved furniture back into their parents' garage.

"I had to ask three strangers to help me move Bertha, our lived-in, on, and around couch," said recent graduate Tommy Hilley. "She'll be laid to rest in my parents' house for awhile before I go to IKEA, that's where the pros shop." Apart from Hilley's aspiration to shop at IKEA, he has no current professional prospects. "My degree's in psychology; I'm returning to Starbucks to pay for gas and beer, it'll remind me of my high school glory days!" This arrangement does not dim Hilley's star however, "I know I'm important...I'm a big deal."

It's not only psychology degree holders that have importance, theater grads also have the potential to alter the world drastically. "Theater has many practical uses, such as lying!" said theater graduate Hillary Jacobs. "I use theater daily at the dentist office I work at as a secretary. Imagine how boring that job would be without theatrical sobbing, dramatic knifings, and jokester thievery," said Jacobs. "I'm doing important work, you could even call it God's work."

Despite the obvious divinity of every single college graduate, there are some who feel unworthy of the honor of a degree. Danita Evans, an engineering student at Duke University, has several jobs lined up for when she graduates next December. She took an extra semester to finish in order to "take it easy" for her last couple of semesters. "I'm a failure," said Evans. "I knew I couldn't keep up to graduate on time, and now I'm the shame of the department, not to mention my family," said Evans. "They may not even attend my graduation...I may not even attend. It's too painful."

One thing is certain, a degree means certain distinction. There is a reason why it is the only option upon completion of high school, it is the only way to become a person of consequence, or just a "person". A recent editorial in Forbes Magazine said it doesn't matter what one does with a degree so long as they have one.

As soon as a name appears on the "College Completed" list, they're thrown into a random drawing to be on the cover of Forbes. "We've had a bus boy who graduated with a communications degree on the cover, as well as a stay-at-home dad who graduated with a degree in architecture, not to mention a prostitute who holds a degree in finance," said Forbes editor, Steve Forbes. "No discrimination, except against bums who have never finished college, I mean, come on!"said Forbes. "There are only two types  of people in this world: glittering graduates, and masturbatory filth of the underworld." Forbes words, but we were all thinking it.