Hear Ye! Hear Ye! ...Actually, What I Have to Say is of No Importance

Hear ye! Hear ye! Oh look! You actually turned your face in my direction! You would think I would tell you something of interest right now, but actually I don't have anything. No seriously, you guys turned to a guy with nothing to say, pretty much ever. What's on my mind? Nothing.

You see, I just like to know I have the power to command your attention when I need to. However, I have not had any reason whatsoever to call upon you subjects to hear me out. I literally can't think of a time when I've had anything of value to contribute. Take this monologue you're listening to right now, you certainly don't have to listen. By listening you are not gaining anything that a non-listener would regret missing. In fact, it could be argued that you are the loser for still sticking around when I'm just rambling about nothing of consequence.

There's still a couple of you raptly paying attention to the nonsense coming out of my mouth, so I'll continue. Current listeners: Was it something I said? Why are you still here? The significance of the utterances I'm spewing are more worthless than your pathetic lives spent listening to this muck. I'm practically insulting you now, as well as myself. If it's at that point I'm going to assume that you still tuning in are not all there. And who needs an audience that can't dissect what's being said? Apparently someone with nothing to say.

Area Mother Prefers to Be Called "Sexy"

OAKLAND-Mother of three, Patti Evans despises the term "beautiful". She prefers to be called a "red-hot mama" or when she's feeling particularly randy, "sexed up sleaze bag." She can be found slutting up the grocery store aisles, stripping at Sunday brunch, and being just plain crude at family dinner.

"She's really embarrassing," her son James, 13, said. "She's like 40. When she flaps her arms around they jiggle." Her two daughters, Rebecca, 18, and Kimberly, 15, both think she's lost it. "It has to be a mid life crisis," Rebecca said. "She wears khakis and cardigans for Christ's sake! That's birth control if I've ever seen it."

Evans is currently teaching Kimberly how to drive. "It's so frustrating when I'm trying to learn how to drive and she keeps telling me to pull over so she can 'flash her hooters' at some young guys. No one wants to see that s*%#." Evans was once arrested for public nudity when a person she flashed was a minor. "He looked like a spry 20-year-old. I'm no pervert," Evans said with a huff. "My husband bailed me out of jail and I paid a fine, whoop-de-doo." Evans has even been alleged to have had several affairs with teenage boys that go to her daughters' school. "It's disgusting, they all say that they've 'tapped my mom', and that would normally be a really dumb joke, but I honestly believe them. She's a flat out skank," said Rebecca.

When I asked Evans why she preferred the word "sexy" over "beautiful" she broke it down: "Look, I've pushed three kids out, all I want is a bit of sexy put back into my daily life. Is that so much to ask for? To get the sexual attention of every male in the greater Oakland area? I think not. I'm a simple woman with simple wishes: to be HOT." She named Anna Nicole Smith, Kim Kardashian, and Jenna Jameson as her role models. "They knew how to be hoe-ish without completely giving up their dignity. I'm still in the learning process-I've given up my dignity, and I mean all of it, so now I just have to reel some of it back it...if possible."

Stuart Evans, Patti Evans' husband, said he made the switch from "beautiful" to "sexy" years ago. "I learned a long time ago that Patti has a penchant for naughty things such as erotic literature, spankings, and even jacuzzis, so when she said to stop it with the 'beautiful' talk I listened. I'm a great listener, and I'm always here for her. Literally, I'm always at home, waiting for her," Evans said with a sob. "I just want her to come home."

Sexting is the Number One Way to Contract an STD, Experts Say

Sexting has quickly grown to the number one cause of STD transmission, experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said. "It's an increasing concern for us, because the prevalence of said activity is increasing rapidly with all of the new smart phones with cameras and vibration capabilities," Linda Garner, the leading researcher on sexting said. "It's practically an epidemic."

"Well, I sext because it's a fun distraction during class. I get bored so I decide to type up horny thoughts and send them to this guy I'm kind of seeing," said Alexis Rogers, a Sophomore at Iowa State University. "And when I'm tired of studying at home, I take a shot of tequila and take naked pics. It's funny because it's scandalous!"

What many young college students don't understand, is that this habit is leading to health risks and concerns. Several new cases of chlamydia, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and HIV have been sprouting up all over the country. They're concentrated in college towns, but it's spreading through other communities as well. "We're seeing a lot of older adults, you know, middle aged, partaking in this activity because they think it's a fun way to be young again without much risk, but symptoms typically start to show up after one or two sexting encounters, and they're left scratching their heads, or their...you know whats," Garner said.

The new outbreak has inspired a new wave of sex education videos and articles from the Center of Disease Control and Prevention. "A lot of people are catching these sexually transmitted diseases unawares, and our job is to inform them, so they can make educated decisions about their health," Dr. Grant Turner, a colleague of Garner's said. "That's why we've created this new miniseries with catchy names to get college students', and even high school students', attention."

Some of the video names include: "Drop that Phone! How Sexting Can Get You Into a 'Sticky Situation'", "Multiple Sexting Partners? You May Be Texting Them For a Different Reason Next Time", and, "Got an Itch? Well, You're S#*t Out of Luck". Dr. Turner is hopeful that these videos will help to inform, but also to scare people away from the idea of sexting. "It's an awful habit, I want it obliterated. I really hope that everyone learns to abstain....You don't even get to touch the other person! Bollocks."

Garner says there are ways to sext safely however. "Even though Dr. Turner would prefer to see it abolished completely, and there are several others similar to him, most of us at the Center of Disease Control and Prevention understand that it's unlikely to be completely wiped out." The CDC is planning on launching a line of "Keyboard Condoms" to place over the keyboard of a phone. Garner explained, "It reduces the actual physical contact with the sexual words. We find verbs are the most common carriers of STDs, so if you plan on using a lot of verbs, slip on a Keyboard Condom and you're all set to go." They're also introducing a line of lubricants to reduce finger chafing and increase typing speed in users of the Keyboard Condom. "It's about having fun, not contracting diseases, so we're helping the folks out there that want a satisfying, safe ride. Enjoy!"

Area Woman Tricked by Condom Myth

Flagstaff, Texas- Recent mother of twins Bailey Hunter, 22, conceived her children when the father said that he "couldn't feel it" when he wore a condom during intercourse. "Hell yeah I believed him, it is a tricky little rubber thing, I didn't want to make him feel left out, the poor thing," said Bailey. "He's got those big sad eyes, I couldn't see him cry."

Much to Bailey's surprise, this is a myth. We caught up with the father, who wants to remain anonymous, and asked him to comment on the difference between wearing a condom versus not wearing one. "There's a slight difference I guess, I probably just told her that because I didn't want to have to go get one....Who is this girl you're talking about again?" When informed of Bailey's condition, the father bolted into the nearby woods, never to be seen again.

Bailey was not on birth control when she became pregnant. "I don't want no doctors touching me, and I'd have to get a prescription for them little pills. I probably wouldn't remember to take them anyways," Bailey said with a laugh.

Upon asking if she was in the habit of having unprotected sex, Bailey said, "Well shoot, I thought I smoked and drank too much to get preggers. Guess I was wrong!" Her twins, Veronica and Peter, started crying and she shouted for them to "shut their yappers." "I shouldn't be a momma, but the Lord gave 'em to me, so I should put up with them."

We conducted a survey of women ages 16 to 25 to see how many women actually made concessions similar to Bailey's when deciding whether or not to use a condom. A majority, 65%, said they had given similar leeway to men in the past, and an overwhelming majority, 99%, of this group have conceived as a result of this decision.

There are many other myths that have permeated the market, such as, "I can't get an erection with a condom," "My balls fall off if I wear a condom," and "A black hole opens up within the earth's core and everyone you love falls into a fiery pit of doom...if I wear a condom." The National Institute of Health has stated that all of these statements are false, and if believed will mostly likely result in pregnancy, a sexually transmitted disease, or a skin rash from stray semen.

To further awareness, many college campuses have created slogans such as, "Rubber or No Dice Brother," "Wrap it or Slap it," and "I Condemn You Without a Condom." These are often sold in campus bookstores on everything from bumper stickers, wristbands, hats, t-shirts, flags, notebooks, and yup, you guessed it-condoms.

Happy Little Lecherous Leprechaun Day!

My views (and obviously The Onion's) on St. Patty's Day celebrations in the US of A.

Stere O' typin'

I'm Irish....I promise.


P.S. If a little ginger bearded man pops out of a forest and tells you to follow him to his "magic pot o' gold" just say, "No thank you," and go on your merry way.

It's Sad, But True

This is the way elections are settled now, I can't wait to get out my brass knuckles for the general election in November. I'm not about to let some rat bastard take down my president with one sucker punch.

http://www.theonion.com/video/romney-santorum-supporters-to-beat-living-shit-out,27633/

White Boy Who Says "Jigga" Still Being Offensive

TIPTON, Oh.- Tipton native and self-proclaimed "whigger", Corey Banks is still being a piece of rubbish when saying the word "jigga" in place of the highly offensive n-word.

"Nah homes, I can't get slapped for that. I didn't put no 'n' at the front, it's cool," Banks said. But it's widely known in his hometown and the national community that he's still a disrespecting, racist fool. "He's gonna get hurt saying that word some day, and I'm gonna laugh," said his best friend Gerard Truman. "I love watching an a$$ beating."

When I spoke with some local African Americans about Banks' use of the word, one of them, Thomas Dungan said, "How could he be so ignorant to think that one letter means he's changed the meaning? He knows very well what that word means, I know what that word means, so I don't use it-none of my black friends do, because it's disrespectful. It's a shame that a white man is trying to covet a black man's society, and is doing so by insulting our entire race. Homeboy needs to go home and play some video games." A small crowd had gathered and promptly applauded after Dungan's speech. They then proceeded to put him on the shoulders of a large man and march to the center of town chanting their praise.

My interview with Dungan abruptly concluded, I went to speak with a perplexed Mrs. Banks. "You're going to have to explain to me what a 'jigga' is. I've tried asking my son, but he mumbles and tells me to 'f*%k off'," she said mid-laugh. "He's just so silly, 'jigga' this, 'jigga' that, 'ey jigga, when we throwing a kegger in this piece?' It never gets old." When told the translation of all the gems her son Corey had been saying, such as, 'superman dat hoe,' and 'getting dome,' she was silent and could not avert her eyes from the TV. (We quietly left out the back door and called the paramedics, she's still under bed rest, but has regained the power of blinking.)

Corey, confronted by all of this information, said, "Jigga, you think I give a f*%k? Now move the f*%k out of the way, you're blocking Maury!" Mr. Banks could be heard deeply sobbing in the kitchen. He had just gotten off the phone with Mrs. Banks' doctor who said that the damage was irreversible. Mrs. Banks was diagnosed as terminally mute. When we called her for an update, all that was heard were scratches and what sounded like a faint "Jigga say what?" in the background.