Subtle Anarchist Wears White After Labor Day

SAN FRANCISCO- The first Monday of September has come and past, the day also known as Labor Day. This day has marked the change of seasons in American culture for generations. With the passing days growing shorter and colder, autumn calls for warm beverages, changing leaves and the dark hued fall wardrobe.

Subtle Anarchist does not respect these sacred laws of fashion and culture.

"White is my color," Subtle Anarchist chided softly.

NO. White is all colors. Subtle Anarchist also denies this rule.

Sunday, the 29th day of September, clearly lies on the moodier side of the clothing color spectrum. It was on this day that Subtle Anarchist wore white tennis shoes complete with white laces, bleached white capri pants, a glaringly bright white polo t-shirt, and an off-white kerchief, just to fuck with our emotions.

"Does this bother you?" asked Subtle Anarchist, waving his white sunglasses (yes, the lenses were white as well. How is that possible?) at this reporter. Yes, it is bothersome.

Subtle Anarchist has formed the habit of walking slowly past popular public places with a nonchalant air. We can only assume his intentions are dire.

Twist at the End of Horror Movie Reveals the Viewer is Also Dead

EUROPE- In the new Zarbinski directed horror flick, Watch Me Watching You, the viewer is taken on an emotional roller coaster ride filled with twists and turns to rival a mountain road. But the finale of the  merciless plot is a heavier blow than usually expected. "I just didn't see how the average movie theater patron could relate to the story without facing their own demise," said Zarbinski.

That's right, we are all dead.

Zarbinski got the idea when watching the Sixth Sense. "I wanted to take the 'I see dead people' line to the next level," said Zarbinski. "I wanted it to become, 'I am dead people.'" Five minutes before the horror film ends, the viewer is faced with the protagonist's death. Zarbinski wanted the audience to feel utterly defeated before he dealt the final plot twist- their own mortality.

"Why do people come to horror movies?" asked Zarbinski. "To feel dread and hopelessness... I have delivered on all counts, but will I receive an Oscar? No." Zarbinski, who specializes in horror flicks, feels his niche in the industry is slighted by the Academy. He hoped that the unique twist of fate at the end of Watch Me Watching You would earn him his first nomination. "I really just want all of the Academy judges to watch it so they realize they're lifeless vacuums too, that would be swell," said Zarbinski.

Many are calling this horror film the apocalypse, genocide, and interestingly, a zombie invasion. If one thing can be agreed upon, it's that the film has caused utter chaos. Relatives aren't returning from their afternoon movies, first dates are abruptly brought to a close, and thousands of suicides have been performed already. "It can't be genocide," said Robert York, the mental health chair at St. Mary's Hospital. "It's so non discriminatory- if you have a pulse and see this movie, you must die essentially. You can't get much more inclusive than that."

York does take the other allegations more seriously. "As for the zombie theory...well, I've had both katana and flame thrower within arm's reach for the past seven years...come at me you brainless bastards, I'll lay waste to you."

This reporter refuses to watch the movie, because I value life and am a self proclaimed coward. However, Zarbinski has not yet watched the entire film either. "I need to do more with my life, I have an unfilled destiny or prophecy as it were," said Zarbinski. "I plan to change the course of the children's genre forever...and that's all I can say on the subject."

Watch Me Watching You has already claimed 45 million lives worldwide. An attempt to ban the movie has already occurred, but free speech activists have slowed the process. "We all have the right to realize or deny our own mortality," said activist Cheryl Noble. "This film is just an expression of that, and though I do not wish to die immediately, I will defend to the death the filmmaker's right to experiment with life itself."

Op-Ed: Neti Pots Have Not Been My Ruination

Midwest- Hello readers.  For my op-ed this week, I'd like to confide in you, the people, about my personal life.  I often write about the happenings around the country and the world, but I think my life actually warrants some notice this week, despite what my crotchety wife says.

I have been a clandestine user of Neti Pots since they graced the infomercials some years ago.  My nose had become a problem, and there were not enough tissues or self-help books to ease my pain.  In short I turned to the bottle, and ended any trace of marital love between my now bitter wife and I.  Even my cats rejected me, but to be fair they had always rejected me, they were just less graceful about it now.

Depressed, cat-deprived, and mucous, I crawled meekly to my local clinic, begging for relief in either the form of a pill or swift death.  Little did I know that the waiting room TV held all of my life's answers for me.  The Neti Pot's wisdom had just begun to blossom, with the peaceful, semi androgynous woman calmly tilting her head in that graceful arch, as the fluid ran from her nose.  I must say I was entranced, when I stood I realized I had a slight erection.  I let my swollen member guide me out of the room, to my hatchback, and back to my barren house I called home. I ordered two Neti Pots and my life had begun.

When they arrived my wife could scarcely look at me.  She told me I was no man, a eunuch in the eyes of everyone, especially her.  I ignored her wicked words and unpacked the treasures delicately.  For my first nasal irrigation, I lit candles, put on smooth jazz, and wore my silk bathrobe.  I wanted this moment to be sacred, my sham of a life that I had practically given up on was within reach.

When I put the tip to nostril, I shuddered slightly with excitement.  The warm mixture slithered down my nasal passage, claiming me as it went.  When the water came out of the other side, I felt as if all of the other elements were pouring out with it.  A deep moan escaped me, I was filled with such relief and indescribable pleasure.  From that moment on Neti Pots became my fix, a drug and anti-drug all in the same package.  I had never felt such an attachment in all my 53 years.  I was home.

It took years for me to finally come out about my feelings for the Neti Pots.  My wife continued to ignore me until she could take it no more.  She burst into my ceremony one evening and gave me an ultimatum: it was either her and the cats or the Neti Pots.  Only a fool would choose hatred over love.  I chose the only faithful servant I had remaining, the Neti Pot.

So you see, Neti Pots have not been my ruination.  There are no more secrets, falsities, or passive aggressive tendencies.  I've been sober for three years, and am proud to say I no longer have fantasies of my own death.  If I were to owe my life to any one thing, living or inanimate, it would be the Neti Pot.  It has done more for me in this world than any creature ever could.  Thank you Neti Pot, may your saline solution spread far and wide filling the nostril of every man, woman, and child.

Tornado Season Inspires New Wizard of Oz Adaptation

Oklahoma City- Matthew Chirp, the owner of the local children's theater Perform!, has decided in light of the recent tornadoes to put on a new Wizard of Oz adaptation entitled, "The Wizard of Despair". Set to be performed in late summer, the casting and production are well underway to meet the needs of the tornado-wrought city.

In this adaptation, the theme is what one could call, "gut-wrenching terror", according to director Chirp. "I took a lot of inspiration from the heartache of these recent tornadoes and channeled it into the most logical place possible- a children's theater." While many children are members of Perform!, it has proved difficult to cast this particular play. "I don't think I'm asking too much of their parents. They just have to sign a waiver saying it's okay if their child dies while in rehearsal or a performance. It's highly unlikely though...pussies," said Chirp.

Many of the children don't realize the danger they are putting themselves in. Lucy Spiller, 8, who is going to play the role of Dorothy, has to be flung violently through the air, thrown against the walls of the theater, and have debris thrown at her while mid-flight. "It has to happen that way," said Chirp. "I want the audience to feel the inevitable pain that little Lucy will be suffering. Everyone must suffer," said Chirp. Lucy has been told of her role, but doesn't believe any actual harm will come to her, "It's pretend death and destruction, Mr. Chirp wouldn't actually hurt me," said Spiller, the smile fading from her young, bright face. "Would he?"

The group that has most adamantly protested the adaptation's production has been the local Humane Society. The reason for their involvement is due to the small dog playing Toto. Ser Barriston is a black Scottie dog, owned by the locally prominent Lenly family. They often rent out their dog to plays, commercials, and magazines for some extra cash. "Ser Barriston pays for his own way," said Mrs. Lenly. "He's no freeloader."

Despite Ser Barriston's uncanny ability to buy his own dog chow, the Humane Society remains unimpressed. "That dog should be enjoying its days as a stupid little animal," said shelter organizer, Shirley Hamm. "Not parading around like a fancy frou frou and getting thrown in the air by a manic depressive theater snob." Ser Barriston's role as Toto would require him to be flung through the air with debris thrown at him like his Dorothy counterpart, which would prove to be his largest acting challenge yet. "He would also be inevitably shot at some point," said Chirp. "Dogs in movies are always shot. It would be unrealistic to let him live."

Undeterred by all of the controversy over the production, Oklahoma City has not made a comment. The  mayor's office secretary offered some insight, "We're all too busy with the actual tornado destruction to care about a pretend one," said secretary Jamie White. "Let them have their fun." The show must go on.

"I'm Important," Said College Graduate

EVERYWHERE- The arrival of the end of spring also marks an increasingly graceful transition here on planet Earth- the release of millions of college graduates. Their eyes shine, their step quickens, and their blood flows to their genitals as they cross the stage and accept the piece of paper that declares their competence. After the necessary photos with professors, family members, beer buddies, and respected colleagues, their real work begins: moving all of their thrice-loved furniture back into their parents' garage.

"I had to ask three strangers to help me move Bertha, our lived-in, on, and around couch," said recent graduate Tommy Hilley. "She'll be laid to rest in my parents' house for awhile before I go to IKEA, that's where the pros shop." Apart from Hilley's aspiration to shop at IKEA, he has no current professional prospects. "My degree's in psychology; I'm returning to Starbucks to pay for gas and beer, it'll remind me of my high school glory days!" This arrangement does not dim Hilley's star however, "I know I'm important...I'm a big deal."

It's not only psychology degree holders that have importance, theater grads also have the potential to alter the world drastically. "Theater has many practical uses, such as lying!" said theater graduate Hillary Jacobs. "I use theater daily at the dentist office I work at as a secretary. Imagine how boring that job would be without theatrical sobbing, dramatic knifings, and jokester thievery," said Jacobs. "I'm doing important work, you could even call it God's work."

Despite the obvious divinity of every single college graduate, there are some who feel unworthy of the honor of a degree. Danita Evans, an engineering student at Duke University, has several jobs lined up for when she graduates next December. She took an extra semester to finish in order to "take it easy" for her last couple of semesters. "I'm a failure," said Evans. "I knew I couldn't keep up to graduate on time, and now I'm the shame of the department, not to mention my family," said Evans. "They may not even attend my graduation...I may not even attend. It's too painful."

One thing is certain, a degree means certain distinction. There is a reason why it is the only option upon completion of high school, it is the only way to become a person of consequence, or just a "person". A recent editorial in Forbes Magazine said it doesn't matter what one does with a degree so long as they have one.

As soon as a name appears on the "College Completed" list, they're thrown into a random drawing to be on the cover of Forbes. "We've had a bus boy who graduated with a communications degree on the cover, as well as a stay-at-home dad who graduated with a degree in architecture, not to mention a prostitute who holds a degree in finance," said Forbes editor, Steve Forbes. "No discrimination, except against bums who have never finished college, I mean, come on!"said Forbes. "There are only two types  of people in this world: glittering graduates, and masturbatory filth of the underworld." Forbes words, but we were all thinking it.

Stickers on Laptops Actually Do Speak Volumes, Says New Study

UNITED STATES- A recent study done at the University of Michigan concludes that placing a sticker on one's laptop is the best way to communicate with the world. "Putting an obscure slogan or image on your laptop is a political gesture on par with testing nuclear weapons," said Gunther Bailey, the lead researcher of the study. "If for example, you had a System of a Down sticker placed on a highly noticeable surface of your laptop, I would see that sticker and we would just not get along. I would probably refuse to sit next to you, and possibly plan your demise."

The study urges people to truly weigh their options before making a permanent gesture such as placing a sticker on a portable electronic device. "Our research has shown that people take the stickers as a walking billboard that says, 'This is me.....and fuck you!' No one wants to be shouted at sir or ma'am," said assistant researcher, Beverly Wallace. "As my Nanna used to say, 'Once it's stuck, you're shit out of luck.' She was quite vulgar." Indeed she was.

Jenna McHarley, a student at the University of Michigan, boldly displays three stickers on her MacBook Pro. "Well, I like puppies so I put a sticker of my favorite, Collies, on the front. It cheers me up," said McHarley. She also proudly displays a Hello Kitty sticker, proven to be linked to fascism according to University of Michigan's study, and one particularly colorful sticker that proclaims "I  Heart Boobies!" which the researchers concede could be about breast cancer, but is more likely to be a reference to the sex trafficking industry.

The local police department is excited about the study's findings. "It'll be like, super easy to spot the bad guys now," said Police Chief Robert Vanner. "We'll just need a simple visual, like a sticker, to prove someone's innocence or guilt." Vance said that training would be cut by 75% as everyone would just have to pass a standard eye exam. "I could hire any seeing person to be a police officer. Think of all the money we'll save the taxpayers by cutting their salaries dramatically."

Shortly after the study's release, #iLUFFSTICKERS started trending on twitter. Sociologists are attributing the sticker boom to the need in our society to express ourselves loudly and often. There's talk of opening around 200 factories in the United States solely devoted to sticker production. "It seems like the time to invest in this up-and-coming sticker economy," said entrepreneur Mark Wally. "We're already working on a line of edible stickers for the kiddies, as well as stickers with aphrodisiacal scents for the mature audience." Investors have lined up to support such operations, with sponsors including McDonald's, Jiffy Lube, and Durex. "With the help of these corporate giants, our dream of a sticker covered America will soon be within reach," said Wally.

Easter Bunny Blames Sliding Family Values for His Fledgling Popularity

UNITED STATES- On this Easter in 2013, the Easter Bunny has the lowest believability rate recorded in its history.  Many children still partake in Easter egg hunts, but the only belief the kids have related to the activity is that their parents placed the eggs, and that candy is good. "My mom and dad hide them while we're eating breakfast," said 5-year-old Hannah. "If it takes them longer we're allowed to play with the iPad."

Many families are unwilling to keep the lie going. "It takes too much effort to make them truly believe in something," said mom of four, Susanne Harp. "I believed, and my parents went to great lengths to hide the truth from me. For 30 years they kept this up, I can't see myself lying to my children when they're grown adults." While Harp cites the effort, others say it's anti-Christian to lie to your children. "I will not tell Pagan filth to my children. They are Christian and will believe in only God, not a woodland creature with spirit from the earth," said father of 2, Dan Whigley.

Whatever the reason for the declining popularity of the "Easter Bunny lie", Bunny himself is not amused. "I'm a real person with real feelings," said Bunny. "And they're chalking up my livelihood to a lie. Sure, I don't get around to everyone's houses, I'm not that diabetic fool Santa, but I do make it to most of the houses in the greater Philadelphia area."

Bunny thinks that people should be told of his existence, even if he isn't the one hiding eggs at their particular house, because the tradition stores values into the youth of today. "It teaches them to be patient and seek out their prize, it's not just handed to them like presents at Christmas," said Bunny. "And the magic of the occasion is an exciting part of being a child. I don't want kids to grow up without experiencing wonder and magic." Reports say it also instills the notion that children should eat raw eggs they find because they contain candy, but Bunny said that was natural selection taking place and some deaths are always to be expected.