Area Professor Knows He's All-Knowing, Because He Knows Stuff Like That

BOSTON- A professor at a local university has knowledge of his god-like capabilities. "I'm quite accurate in my understandings, I would actually take the 'quite' out of that sentence and just say, 'Trust me, I know all,'" said Professor Frederick Abendroth.  He has said to his many classes that he knows how many of them will fail not only his class, but in life. He then leads a procession around the room, either somberly offering his hand to be kissed, or gravely shaking his head at those he deems unfortunate.

"I was warned about his god-complex," said junior Melissa Casey. "I thought that meant that he was arrogant, which I suppose he is, but it's way beyond that. The man actually believes he is God," Casey shook her head. "How do you pass that test?"

Over Abendroth's 30 years of teaching, only 10 percent have passed his class. The other 90 percent have made appeals to the dean and the chancellor, but all have been denied credit for the course or to have it removed from their record. "It's not fair, the higher-ups at the university are terrified of this man. If any other professor had such a failure rate among their students, they'd be gone in no time. But that old man is still here after 30 years," said senior Thomas Whitford.

"I deny any so called 'fear' that I have for Abendroth," said Chancellor Thompson. "I think he's a marvelous professor with a, uh, unique set of skills. It's preposterous to think I would put students' educations at risk just because of a silly fear I may or may not have for this, beast of a human being."

Dean Hammersmark also denied having a fear of Abendroth, but concluded his interview by whispering, "Well the man does have a presence about him, doesn't he? I think I've seen him fly a few times."

The art school at the university has also noticed some curious things about Professor Abendroth. Each semester the freshman are told stories about Abendroth and then told to make artwork that reflects their perceptions of the 80-year-old, white bearded man. "We're encouraged to follow him around, see if he does any ethereal trickery, like flying, turning water into wine, or just gazing at the stars as if he knows something," said freshman Billy Vans. The photography students especially like to visit him at night and see if his skin gives off an angelic glow. "It makes for a great long-exposure snapshot. We've had a couple close encounters, but I think he senses the camera and hides himself," said sophomore photography student Jamie Brussel.

The stories and rumors surrounding Professor Abendroth encase his classroom as well. Students rarely raise their hands, never seek one-on-ones, and never contest a grade. Upon sitting in his classroom one would think you were in a church. No one speaks upon entering the classroom, and some students have taken to praying outside the door and sprinkling themselves with holy water. "If this man truly is God, then I'm going to go to every length to not offend him with my presence," said senior Becky Dale. "Everyone should do the same. I feel incredibly blessed to be in this sanctuary."