Halfbaked Vt.- Local 17-year-old Rebecca Stringer announced this morning via Twitter that her standards for romantic suitors is to be raised within the next week. To which many of her followers responded, "No way, yah slut."
"I've decided that in order to get a date with me, you have to stalk me for at least six months," said Stringer. Her previous requirement was stalking for three months. "I used to let them have it real easy, but hey, I'm a hot commodity, I can afford to make these demands."
In addition to her three month stalking extension, Stringer requires her suitor to be between the ages of 25 and 70. "These little boys running around think they can have this?" Stringer laughed to herself. "I need a man. A man with chest hair and a car."
Rebecca's parents have voiced their concerns about her lifestyle to Rebecca, but to no avail. "I believe that I'm younger than some of the, uh, boyfriends she's had in the past," said Mr. Stringer, Rebecca's dad. "I keep out of it....I mean, I avoid it altogether. No father should have to discuss this type of grotesqueness." Mrs. Stringer is equally "freaked out." "My child has been consorting with these elderly men. They're often accompanied by at-home nurses or aides....I look at (Rebecca) and all I see is Geisha. My daughter is a modern day Geisha," said Mrs. Stringer briskly.
Her parents are of the belief that she will keep to these new standards, but her friends on Twitter and Facebook think otherwise. "That hoe knows how to tag 'em," said junior Casey McElroy. "She put up that proclamation or some shit and I think I saw the entire room share in a collective eye roll."
Several of the boys at Rebecca's high school share a somewhat critical, but also esteemed view of Ms. Stringer. "She's pretty hot," said senior Jake Woodsby. "But I know I have to have cash to get at that, if you know what I'm saying? ...That and I don't want secondhand old man chowder on me." Other boys expressed similar irreconcilable differences in opinion about Rebecca. "It's so revolting and awe inspiring at the same time. I would definitely put her on a pedestal. One of shame and inspiration," said sophomore Corey Trumble.
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