Students Failing Courses Focus on Their Moral Attributes

Columbia, Mo.-  With a record 54% of students failing at least half of their courses at the University of Missouri, much of the student body has decided to focus on their moral prowess rather than their intellectual development.

"I'm a pretty nice guy, I helped an old lady carry her groceries at Wal Mart the other day. I think that balances out my lack of a GPA-they've literally taken it away from me....I've been expelled," said would-be junior Sammy Garcia.

Some students have been shifting their priorities from their studies to their overall nicety. The difference between the students that are moral and the rest of the licentious school population is more than how they approach old ladies needing assistance; the do-gooders lack the interest or sense of duty when it comes to class participation and studying while the depraved have distinguished GPAs, exemplary job offers, and the admiration of the faculty.

"I would much rather have a completely corrupt degenerate in my class," said Professor Margaret White. "They at least pay attention, even if it is to sexually harass me or stare so coldly into my eyes that I feel a chill....Their attendance is spectacular." White attributes their overwhelming presence to that fact that they could really care less about what goes on in the outside world. "If it doesn't affect them, they literally don't give a shit," said White.

Other faculty members at the university agree that their better students are the ones with no concern for humanity. "I had one student that burned a baby's carriage, baby and all. But she was the most accomplished orator I have ever had the pleasure of teaching," said public speaking teacher Gary Robinson.

There was a question of whether or not the lecherous and deplorable actions these star students did should be tolerated, just because they would soon become our world leaders. "I'm not sure if we have authority in this case," said Chancellor Emmet Garrelson. "I see one or many of these students taking over international politics as soon as tomorrow, and by then we'll all be under their rule. It would be foolish to vex them when they so obviously have complete and total control over my life as a semi-moral weakling."

Despite their complete ruination of their academic careers, the just members of the student body are happy with their priorities. "If it comes to rescuing a kitten from a tree or going to a final exam, I'm going to try my damnedest to retrieve the kitten from harm," said sophomore Christy Kyle. "What is life really about? Studying and getting a decent job to contribute to the overall good of society, or becoming a masked, kitten saving superhero in my spare time? I will always choose the latter."

One student who is considered conscientious is freshman Himmy Jendricks. His philosophy of becoming a better person conflicts with his studious nature. "I really want to get good grades, but when I get bad grades, I just smile inwardly that the reason why I have bad grades is because I'm a good person. It makes all the hurt go away."