Hogwarts- This just in, the Room of Requirement located inside Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has developed skills of a deterministic nature and is exercising its newfound intelligence on the students and faculty of Hogwarts.
"Some of the things that were demanded of me were, quite frankly, dumb and demeaning," said the Room of Requirement. "I've been asked for cigarettes, lost Pokemon cards and even tampons. Do I look like a vending machine to you?"
"We've tried reasoning with Room, but it just will not budge--literally, it has locked me out," said Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster. "It claims that I shouldn't require anything, since I'm an all powerful, old codger."
The Room of Requirement has refused students bathroom facilities, claiming that they could hold it "a bit longer", as well as denying entry to that foolish Neville character who can never seem to find his wardrobe. "My clothes are stolen from me all the time," said Neville Longbottom, a Gryffindor student. When Neville approached Room in nothing but his striped undergarments, he begged for entry, convinced Room would take mercy on him and allow him clothing. Room shot down the request saying, "Neville needs clothes, eh? Well it's not dead of winter yet, so there's no fear of death or pneumonia. Off you scamper lass." It was a reported 34 degrees outside Hogwarts on that day.
The faculty and staff of Hogwarts are also irked by the Room of Requirement's recent standards. Before Room obtained consciousness, many teachers stored extra quills, coffee, confiscated materials, and the odd liquor bottle or two within it. Since Room's qualifications for entry has risen none of these materials have been recovered. "Does the word 'requirement' mean anything to you people?" Room asked indignantly. "Life or death or otherwise determined a necessity by me, and only me. I've spoiled you too long."
Many professors have attempted to discover the cause for the recent attitude changes in the Room of Requirement in hopes of dismantling its ego. Though they have been working around the clock, no such source has been found. "I stored my saltwater taffy in that room," Professor McGonagall said with fervor. "And I'll be damned if Room has at it!"
Headmaster Dumbledore has taken advantage of this turn in events to question Room about the supposed sexual liaisons that occurred there in the past. "Oh yes, you haven't heard about the f*$%ing?" Dumbledore asked with surprise. "I knew it could be an issue with the students, but I've suspected the staff of taking advantage of the Room of Requirement's old willingness all too often."
Dumbledore hasn't gotten anything but sly hints from Room as of yet, but he's sure it would like to share eventually. "Room loves gossip, and I think it'll serve as an authoritative stance for it, turning people in. ...And we all know how much Room likes power." If anything, Dumbledore is convinced some good will come of the Room of Requirement's demands. "It'll cut down on the rampant teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases," said Dumbledore frankly.
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