"Life is Not Worth Living", said Cat Show Loser

ST. LOUIS- Meowskers! The city was overrun with felines and their friends this Saturday at the 56th Annual Cat Got Your Tongue Show that awards excellence in feline fancery. One cat and owner were victorious, but the passion seemed to truly reside in the kitties and handlers that just missed the title. "I gave up my job for this. Cats are the only thing holding me to this world," said one disgruntled handler, Becky Needler. "Sir Chilkensworth is the purrr-fectest cat in the world, and he deserved that title. I smell cronyism."

Sir Chilkensworth, an Asian Semi-Long Hair cat, came in fifth, just out of medal earning reach. However, the show consisted of 300 cats, so Sir Chilkensworth beat out 295 other felines for his place. "Fifth place? That's shit. I want to see bling around his neck, I want so much bling that his sweet little fluffy neck snaps," said Needler. "Life is not worth living."

While Needler's reaction may seem extreme, the show has a history of manic depressive entrants and psychotic break downs. "We get a couple each year that go out on a stretcher," said event director Trish Macon. "They either don't eat or drink for days in a sort of blind obsession, or work themselves up so much that a blood vessel pops. Every year."

To curb the stress at such high scale events, many cat owners take prescription pain relievers. The consequent drug ring that has formed is many of the cat handlers' biggest income for the year. "Oh yeah, I make boat loads of cash at these things," said cat handler Theresa Walker. "I know everyone's order by heart and have never lost a customer. In fact," said Walker, "I get more and larger requests each year."

The organizers of the event know about the drug activity, but choose to remain silent. "What they do in preparation is none of my business," said Macon, director. "As long as those feline divas strut their haunches, everyone goes home a winner." Needler would have to disagree. "There's no gray area when it comes to winning, and Sir Chilkensworth LOST. I gave up my family for this piece of shit! I haven't seen my kids in three years, and all I have to show for my sacrifice is fucking FIFTH PLACE?!?!?! Fuck you Sir Chilkensworth!" To which the calm Asian Semi-Long Hair replied, "Meow."