CREATURES SPOTLIGHT

The creatures graced with our spotlight this week are creatures of prodigious destruction! (That means you, atom bomb.) Be sure to avert your eyes from Godzilla this week, or he may just wreck total havoc on your pitiful soul. Other creatures on the pernicious path in life include the Hulk, Honey Boo Boo, and Justin Bieber. (I mean, he is devastatingly handsome, no?) Bow down or bend over.

UPDATE: The Room of Requirement Now Determines What it is That You Require

Hogwarts- This just in, the Room of Requirement located inside Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has developed skills of a deterministic nature and is exercising its newfound intelligence on the students and faculty of Hogwarts.

"Some of the things that were demanded of me were, quite frankly, dumb and demeaning," said the Room of Requirement. "I've been asked for cigarettes, lost Pokemon cards and even tampons. Do I look like a vending machine to you?"

"We've tried reasoning with Room, but it just will not budge--literally, it has locked me out," said Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster. "It claims that I shouldn't require anything, since I'm an all powerful, old codger."

The Room of Requirement has refused students bathroom facilities, claiming that they could hold it "a bit longer", as well as denying entry to that foolish Neville character who can never seem to find his wardrobe. "My clothes are stolen from me all the time," said Neville Longbottom, a Gryffindor student.  When Neville approached Room in nothing but his striped undergarments, he begged for entry, convinced Room would take mercy on him and allow him clothing. Room shot down the request saying, "Neville needs clothes, eh? Well it's not dead of winter yet, so there's no fear of death or pneumonia. Off you scamper lass." It was a reported 34 degrees outside Hogwarts on that day.

The faculty and staff of Hogwarts are also irked by the Room of Requirement's recent standards. Before Room obtained consciousness, many teachers stored extra quills, coffee, confiscated materials, and the odd liquor bottle or two within it. Since Room's qualifications for entry has risen none of these materials have been recovered. "Does the word 'requirement' mean anything to you people?" Room asked indignantly. "Life or death or otherwise determined a necessity by me, and only me. I've spoiled you too long."

Many professors have attempted to discover the cause for the recent attitude changes in the Room of Requirement in hopes of dismantling its ego. Though they have been working around the clock, no such source has been found. "I stored my saltwater taffy in that room," Professor McGonagall said with fervor. "And I'll be damned if Room has at it!"

Headmaster Dumbledore has taken advantage of this turn in events to question Room about the supposed sexual liaisons that occurred there in the past. "Oh yes, you haven't heard about the f*$%ing?" Dumbledore asked with surprise. "I knew it could be an issue with the students, but I've suspected the staff of taking advantage of the Room of Requirement's old willingness all too often."

Dumbledore hasn't gotten anything but sly hints from Room as of yet, but he's sure it would like to share eventually. "Room loves gossip, and I think it'll serve as an authoritative stance for it, turning people in. ...And we all know how much Room likes power." If anything, Dumbledore is convinced some good will come of the Room of Requirement's demands. "It'll cut down on the rampant teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases," said Dumbledore frankly.

CREATURES SPOTLIGHT

This week's creature spotlight is on creatures of hyperbolic height. Giraffes and basketball players alike are a marvel to the common man. Their luscious legginess distracts and their deep throats stir imagination. Say hello to a heightened creature this week and see if they'll let you openly stare.

"We Actually Wouldn't Do A Damn Thing For a Klondike Bar," Says Nation.

United States- Recent polls show that the average American, "wouldn't do a damn thing for a Klondike bar," an ice cream dessert covered in a hard chocolate shell. The Klondike company has invested millions of dollars in advertising for the dessert, with a jingle asking the viewers what they would do for a Klondike bar, implying that some would do monstrous or extreme acts to have at the treat.

"They're nothing special. Not worth the calories," said yoga instructor Kathy Hamilton. "I'd rather have a rice cake."

Hamilton isn't alone either, in our online questionnaire 200 million people voted.  Two of them checked the choice that they would do "ANYTHING" for a Klondike bar, while the overwhelming majority checked, "Ehhhhhhhhhhh.....nah."

"It's ridiculous, you stick a jingle on something and supposedly it's factual," said Christopher Palmer of Los Angeles, California. "But lemme tell you, if one more person makes the joke that they'd kill for one, I'm going to jock some hoes. That's sick, and plain falsehood. No one would ever kill for one of those plain Janes."

In addition to our online questionnaire, our research team knocked on the house of every American with an address in the entire continental United States. Door after door, and the team had the most conclusive results of any survey they've completed: No one likes the damn things.

"It's decent I suppose, but give up another treat in favor...I can't even finish that sentence, it's just not right," said Loretta Taylor of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.

When asked to comment, Klondike said, "We'll try to refocus our campaign to provide a more accurate picture of our product. We wouldn't want to lie to the consumer, now would we?" said a twitchy Head of Marketing, Janis Eckles.

Klondike's creative team is coming up with new slogans such as, "We're the snack you tolerate to death," and "We have excellent packaging, don't you agree?" But Klondike insists that these are just ideas and they're open to new ones, from just about anyone.

Area Professor Knows He's All-Knowing, Because He Knows Stuff Like That

BOSTON- A professor at a local university has knowledge of his god-like capabilities. "I'm quite accurate in my understandings, I would actually take the 'quite' out of that sentence and just say, 'Trust me, I know all,'" said Professor Frederick Abendroth.  He has said to his many classes that he knows how many of them will fail not only his class, but in life. He then leads a procession around the room, either somberly offering his hand to be kissed, or gravely shaking his head at those he deems unfortunate.

"I was warned about his god-complex," said junior Melissa Casey. "I thought that meant that he was arrogant, which I suppose he is, but it's way beyond that. The man actually believes he is God," Casey shook her head. "How do you pass that test?"

Over Abendroth's 30 years of teaching, only 10 percent have passed his class. The other 90 percent have made appeals to the dean and the chancellor, but all have been denied credit for the course or to have it removed from their record. "It's not fair, the higher-ups at the university are terrified of this man. If any other professor had such a failure rate among their students, they'd be gone in no time. But that old man is still here after 30 years," said senior Thomas Whitford.

"I deny any so called 'fear' that I have for Abendroth," said Chancellor Thompson. "I think he's a marvelous professor with a, uh, unique set of skills. It's preposterous to think I would put students' educations at risk just because of a silly fear I may or may not have for this, beast of a human being."

Dean Hammersmark also denied having a fear of Abendroth, but concluded his interview by whispering, "Well the man does have a presence about him, doesn't he? I think I've seen him fly a few times."

The art school at the university has also noticed some curious things about Professor Abendroth. Each semester the freshman are told stories about Abendroth and then told to make artwork that reflects their perceptions of the 80-year-old, white bearded man. "We're encouraged to follow him around, see if he does any ethereal trickery, like flying, turning water into wine, or just gazing at the stars as if he knows something," said freshman Billy Vans. The photography students especially like to visit him at night and see if his skin gives off an angelic glow. "It makes for a great long-exposure snapshot. We've had a couple close encounters, but I think he senses the camera and hides himself," said sophomore photography student Jamie Brussel.

The stories and rumors surrounding Professor Abendroth encase his classroom as well. Students rarely raise their hands, never seek one-on-ones, and never contest a grade. Upon sitting in his classroom one would think you were in a church. No one speaks upon entering the classroom, and some students have taken to praying outside the door and sprinkling themselves with holy water. "If this man truly is God, then I'm going to go to every length to not offend him with my presence," said senior Becky Dale. "Everyone should do the same. I feel incredibly blessed to be in this sanctuary."

"I don't want a man," Area Girl Lies Through Teeth

Memphis, Tn- Today local 21-year-old Missy Shapiro said that having a man was not on her "wants" list. "I don't want a man, I hardly ever miss a nice warm body curled next to me on cold, lonely nights....It's just not something I stress over." To make sure everyone in the surrounding city and suburbs would know how independent Shapiro is, she has been on a quest to inform every person she comes in contact with, stranger or not, of her non-essential item-a man. "I've told my hairdresser, my mother, gas station attendants, waiters, sales clerks, and even hitchhikers that I refuse to offer a ride. I simply pull over and roll down the window and yell it at them. I think it's an effective method of making yourself heard," Shapiro said.

Shapiro has sworn on church steps, court steps, the Spanish Steps -any steps- that her life is just as full without a man as it would be if she did possess one. She has even taken to printing leaflets detailing the extent of her self-satisfaction even though she has not been courting anyone. "I usually put a picture of myself, smiling of course, and a couple bullet points saying basically that I don't have man, don't want one, and don't miss one. It's incredibly empowering to tell the whole world, or at least downtown Memphis, that I'm alone in this world," Shapiro said.

When I asked Shapiro what she spent most of her time doing she said, "I usually lie in bed, awake but not present, reading gossip mags, you know, feeding off of their sexual energy, and make myself increasingly isolated from the outside world by not venturing beyond the walls of my house unless I need to make my independence known. I've grown very fond of internet games and trolling. It distracts me from real conversations with real people." Shapiro spends upwards of 70 hours a week on online video games and their chat rooms. "I do have friends, you just can't see them."

While Shapiro is proud of her spinsterhood, she does acknowledge that other people do benefit from mutual, loving relationships. "It's not that relationships are awful, it's just that the people who do benefit are often weak." Upon asking her to elaborate Shapiro said, "Some people love the sex, the cuddling, the intimacy of mutual understanding, the caring emotional and psychological support, and yes, they love the satisfaction of saying that someone else in this world is always there for them- but that is very co-dependent isn't it? It sickens me really. I feel bad for the pathetic losers that have found their equal in the world."

I asked Shapiro if there was anything at all that she missed about having a significant other. She stood her ground and said, "I like never having conversations that actually mean something to me, and I adore going out to eat alone, staring at people in love while I eat enough for two and sob into my drink....It's really the good life, I don't share feelings, desires, wants, needs, or dreams with anyone. They're all trapped in my brain where they'll stay for all eternity, never materializing before me.... No, the single life is all I need. That and a therapist I visit once a week for my anti-depressants."

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! ...Actually, What I Have to Say is of No Importance

Hear ye! Hear ye! Oh look! You actually turned your face in my direction! You would think I would tell you something of interest right now, but actually I don't have anything. No seriously, you guys turned to a guy with nothing to say, pretty much ever. What's on my mind? Nothing.

You see, I just like to know I have the power to command your attention when I need to. However, I have not had any reason whatsoever to call upon you subjects to hear me out. I literally can't think of a time when I've had anything of value to contribute. Take this monologue you're listening to right now, you certainly don't have to listen. By listening you are not gaining anything that a non-listener would regret missing. In fact, it could be argued that you are the loser for still sticking around when I'm just rambling about nothing of consequence.

There's still a couple of you raptly paying attention to the nonsense coming out of my mouth, so I'll continue. Current listeners: Was it something I said? Why are you still here? The significance of the utterances I'm spewing are more worthless than your pathetic lives spent listening to this muck. I'm practically insulting you now, as well as myself. If it's at that point I'm going to assume that you still tuning in are not all there. And who needs an audience that can't dissect what's being said? Apparently someone with nothing to say.