Holiday Cheer Coaxes Man Off Ledge

LOS ANGELES- A 56-year-old man climbed to the top of his apartment building in downtown Los Angeles Friday evening after receiving divorce papers from his wife of 32 years.

Rick Fisher stole his building's janitor keys and made his way to the stairwell leading to the locked roof at approximately 6:30 P.M. on Friday immediately after his wife Theresa's lawyer served him with divorce papers. "He looked violently sick all of the sudden," Victor Cosgrove, Theresa Fisher's lawyer said. "I wish he would have ran to the bathroom instead."

"It's not like it was totally out of left field," Theresa Fisher said. "He had it coming after he put up that kitten poster in the den. One word, freak-y."

Upon reaching the top of the stairs, Fisher used the stolen keys to open the door to the roof. He was spotted by pedestrians on the street below who claimed that he immediately ripped his t-shirt off in a "haphazard" way while falling to his knees with a look of "pure agony" on his face. "I thought he had been shot," said Monica Cortez, a pedestrian. "People don't fall over like that without a bullet passing through them."

Fisher was then heard screaming obscenities and crying endlessly. By approximately 6:45 P.M. his actions had drawn a crowd and the authorities had been notified and were waiting on the street at the base of his building. His wife Theresa arrived to try and persuade him to come down by saying that she still loved him, to which he resolutely shouted, "You don't know what love is!"

A stunned crowd expected the worst. "He should have jumped by now, just get it over with so the police can clean up the street before the 9:00 rush comes on tonight," said Tom Roberts, a bystander.

All had almost given up hope of ever retrieving Fisher alive when some Christmas carolers rounded the corner of Park St. and Timber Ave. singing songs of cheer. They started by singing classics such as "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and "Jingle Bells" before moving on to more contemporary interpretations in the country and rock genres.

"It was as if a cloud opened up and revealed God's sweet glory," Miranda Hayworth, an onlooker said. "With all of the children in cute holiday dresses and Santa sweaters with jingle bells on them. It certainly made me appreciate life more."

Theresa Fisher, who was on top of the building with her husband at the time, noticed a change in his demeanor almost immediately. "I don't know how it happened, but he slowly stood up and started to sing with the carolers. -Out of tune of course, but he didn't give a damn. It was as if he were in a trance. The only time he broke his gaze was when I tried to say something to him. He turned around slowly and said in the sweetest tone to 'put a cork in it'. I didn't care what happened to him after that!"

Fisher slowly but surely made his way to the stairs, (to some applause), and immediately went to his car to go to Home Depot to get "those Christmas lights he had been meaning to put up for over three weeks."

He has been shut in his apartment ever since wrapped in Christmas sweaters that don't match the magnitude of his newfound holiday cheer. Fisher's said to only come out of his residence to purchase more eggnog and donate money to the bell ringers of the Salvation Army.

Vermin Supreme: Excellent Political Satire, Or Looney Old Man?

I literally laughed out loud, so clever.http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=4d_FvgQ1csE
"I am a friendly facist, I am a tyrant that you should trust, and you should let me run your life because I do know what is best for you."

Politician Makes a Bold Move by Promoting a "Family First" Image of Himself

BOSTON- In an unexpected move, Mitt Romney, a candidate for the GOP ticket for the presidency, has released ads promoting himself as a family man, an idea that has bewildered the political arena surrounding Washington D.C. Romney's competitors have expressed great remorse about not having thought of the campaign tool Romney has employed themselves. "I never would have thought to tell people I care about my family, not that I particularly do, but it would have been worth considering taking some photos with my godforsaken husband and devilish children," said Michele Bachmann.

"Why can't it be good campaign strategy to love the ladies? Family first, yadda yadda, everyone knows they like a little honey, I'm just more open about it," said Herman Cain.

When Rick Perry was asked to comment on what he thought of Romney's new campaign strategy he replied between bites of Al's famous ribs, "My focus is on the queers and God's hatred of them. My state appreciates that, and I'm not about changing a horse midstream. Also, I think it's important to say the U-S-of A is the best damned country out there, and we need a president that thinks so. I'm counting on my God-fearing people of the South to support me on these issues and place my rear in the Oval Office." After some moments of pause, Rick Perry wiped Al's famous barbecue sauce from his lips and said, "And Mitt Romney can suck it."

The ads consist of pictures of Romney with his family from many different years and slogans describing Romney as a caring and devoted husband and father. His wife, Ann, has taken a large role in this campaign strategy by describing the "softer side" of Mitt Romney. She describes him as silly and warm hearted and a lot of other words that would normally demean a man in a position of power, but have strangely had a positive effect on Romney's popularity. "I find him to be a much nicer man than any of the other candidates," said 56-year-old Rosamund Yates of Tampa, Florida. "I used to vote democratic, but since he's such a kind person I'm going to vote for him in hopes he makes it to the White House. His wife sure is lucky."

Even men are having similar thoughts about Mr. Romney. "I think a real man is someone who provides for his family, and he seems to do a good job. If he can provide for his family, he can provide for the nation," said 72-year-old Jacob Hill. "He's got my vote now, especially compared to those other hoo-haws running that can't seem to keep it in their pants. Disgraceful," Hill said shaking his head.

The polls show that since his new advertisements about family values were released, Romney has jumped seven percent in polls, which has made the other candidates quiver in their boots. "We have reason to be worried, but damn it if I don't win the presidency just because he's never had the indescribable pleasure of a prostitute's company," said a disgruntled looking Newt Gingrich.

Urban Outfitters-"Hobo Hotel"?

ST. LOUIS- Five very well rested homeless men greeted a surprised and disgusted store manager named Chloe Sun on Monday morning after staying the night in the Urban Outfitters located in the Galleria shopping mall. "I was scared s*%$less, and then I almost vomited because of this horrific stench that was wafting toward me from the register," Sun said. "It was as if someone had shoved a skunk's butt in my face. Blegh!"

The scent was identified as human waste when police officer Bob Roedan stepped in the brown heap directly behind the register. "Yup, that's human s*%#," Roedan said. "Man what did they eat?" When the homeless men were interviewed, only one stood up and claimed responsibility. "We couldn't find a proper toilet and it was just so cold outside, we just dropped our trousers and let nature take its course," Tim Hanes said. "As a shelter you should really offer bathrooms to the residents, it's a common human decency."

Upon further questioning and a look at the security tapes it was clear that the five men had entered the store 30 minutes before closing time at six o'clock Sunday night and had quietly made beds in the southeast corner of the store with floral pillows and quilts found on the shelves. "It looked like a typical (homeless) shelter to me," Rob Thompson, one of the five homeless men, said.  "I've actually seen better ones than this one. I was surprised by the lack of flooring, normally they have decent floors."

"The piles of old and used clothing tipped me off. I thought it was odd to have it in a mall, seemed almost cruel, but nothing else was different," Hanes said.

Sun scoffed when the police told her the homeless men had trespassed because they believed the store to be a homeless shelter. "I don't believe it, this is quality stuff! People pay upwards of $100 on our flirty dresses and hipster-chic shirts," Sun said. As she said this, Thompson picked up a plastic camera displayed around a mannequin's neck that fell apart in his hands. Sun's face reddened. "See! Can't trust them with anything! I'm still convinced they were trying to rob the store so they could have booze money!" Sun said as she snatched at the camera pieces, which seemed to be no more complex than a child's toy.

When this reporter made a small joke about one of Urban Outfitters' featured purses being called a "hobo bag" to police officer Roedan, Sun smacked the notebook and pen I was carrying to the floor and stormed out of the store. Roedan laughed loudly and offered all the homeless men breakfast at a nearby International House of Pancakes before dropping them off at the Salvation Army.

Interview With President of the United States Interrupted

WASHINGTON- In an interview with President Obama Thursday, Matt Lauer was cut off by a S.W.A.T. team that promptly lifted the president above their heads and carried him to a waiting helicopter.

The president did not change his demeanor and kept his body rigid for the four S.W.A.T. team members underneath his weight. One team member simply said, "Off we go, Mr. President."

A confused Matt Lauer protested saying, "This was scheduled! And it's live! Where is he going?"

The S.W.A.T. team members simply ignored him and proceeded to carry President Obama to the aircraft. Once they reached the steps they reorganized by turning the president on his side so he could fit through the door more easily. At the top of the steps they handed him off to another team waiting inside that began to bend his elbows and knees so he could be placed in a seating position.

The Today Show cameras got a last glimpse before the door to the helicopter was abruptly closed. The show ended the segment with an incredulous Matt Lauer saying,"This is just f%*#ing great!" He then stormed out of the camera's view.

Date Comes to a Halt Upon Viewing Woman's Bumperstickers

COLUMBIA- A local man took a woman he met on match.com on a date Friday night. "It's as if our profiles were copy and pasted, it was eerie," Dave Summers said of Julia Gardner. He was very excited to meet someone after getting a divorce last October. "It was time for me to move on, and Julia seems like a much better suited person for me than my ex-wife," Dave said. "She's a lot hotter too."

The two exchanged pleasantries at Julia's front door and then rode in Dave's 2005 red Toyota Camry to a local Dave and Buster's restaurant. Dave told his joke about how he was not in fact the "Dave" in "Dave and Buster's" and Julia laughed wholeheartedly. "I actually enjoy his jokes," Julia said. "Why do you look surprised?"

Upon leaving the restaurant, the two decided to throw inhibition into the wind and race each other to Dave's Camry. Once inside the vehicle, a breathless Dave expressed his happiness at having had a "really good time." Julia agreed and Dave drove in the direction of Julia's house.

Dave believed the date went well, and was looking forward to walking Julia to her front door. "I was hoping to get a smooch or a nice long hug," Dave said. But all his good feelings evaporated when his headlights illuminated the tail end of her '96 Nissan Altima.

"It was god-awful! Who has a "Blunt Trauma" bumper sticker anymore? It just ruined the whole evening for me," Dave nearly cried.

Among Julia's bumper stickers, there included several with sayings like, "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" and "Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only Ten I See."

Julia's collection of feminist bumper stickers was the largest, totaling in 13 separate stickers. "I don't know how they even all fit on her bumper, but she managed!" Dave said.

Dave said he changed his tone to sound disinterested and ushered Julia out of his car in a hurry with an excuse of having to feed his pet fish. "I won't be calling her any time soon," Dave said.

Julia said she was confused and "a little hurt" by the way Dave "burned rubber" going down her street. "I thought we were having a marvelous time, and then something just changed. I might call him tomorrow and see how his fish are, but I can only do so much."

Checking in with Julia the next day, Julia said that he had not answered her calls, nine in total, and that she was disappointed. "Back to the website I suppose," a slightly resigned Julia said.

First Story-Oh Joy!

I understand that having a sarcastic personality is difficult for people to understand what I'm saying most of the time. This blog is not for you to better understand me or anyone else who decides to post sarcastic tid bits on it. It's to enjoy satire, snarky comments and irony. I will try to update this as much as possible with either original material or forwarded material for your sassy viewing pleasure. For this first story, I was asked to write a fake story based on a ballad, and I chose "Leggy Blonde" from a Flight of the Conchords episode. Seems like a fitting introduction, no?

Area Man Professes Love for Professional Acquaintance

COLUMBIA - Local accountant, Derek Thames, professed his amorous feelings for the woman installing new computers in his office at Otscon Tuesday before refusing to remove himself from the roof of his office complex.

Cindy Roberts works as a computer technician for SmartTech, a company that installs and repairs computers for local businesses. She was the recipient of many calls to Mr. Thames’ office for “necessary repairs” to his company computer that had just been installed Monday.

“We like to stick around a week or so after we install a lot of computers in a office just to work out the kinks and make sure everyone understands the new system better,” James Hanover, the owner of SmartTech, said in an interview. “Cindy was the employee I chose to stay behind to answer questions and do any necessary repairs on site at Otscon.”

Thames went to the roof of the Otscon building after realizing Roberts had returned to SmartTech. “He seemed to be very disoriented and he just kept saying how much he missed her. He said he would miss her legs and her hair,” Stephen Yates, a coworker said. “I thought that was very inappropriate. They only ever discussed computers, and very briefly.”

Upon reaching the roof of Otscon, Thames shouted boldly that he would miss “leggy blonde”, his name for Roberts. He expressed regret at not being able to “share a cup of tea” with Roberts, or express his feelings to her. “It was just a sad, sad scene,” Mike Mitchell, Thames’ supervisor said.

Reportedly, Thames is still remorseful, but has gathered himself enough to return to work. “I hope he feels better soon, I don’t want him moping around the office much longer,” said Yates. Roberts has not returned any of Thames letters and hopes to avoid another encounter. “I am slightly disturbed, but I’ve had admirers before. I’ve just asked Mr. Hanover not to send me back to Otscon,” Roberts said. “He wholeheartedly agreed.”