CREATURES SPOTLIGHT

I thought to myself, "What is an extreme creature, that roams the wild with crazed eyes, desperation, and self-righteousness?" I came to the conclusion that EXTREME COUPONERS deserved the spotlight in all their jittery, obsessive compulsive glory. These creatures demand control, and believe they deserve everything for free. If the scales are not tipped in their favor, they're bound to lose whatever dignity they begun with by relentlessly demanding their version of "justice". Note: If an extreme couponer is spotted, make sure to conceal anything that could be mistaken for a coupon. This could mean scrap pieces of paper, newsprint, magazines, plastic cards, or even napkins. If spotted, the extreme couponer WILL approach, usually with aggression, and snatch your items from you. If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation, do not, I repeat, do NOT resist. It is futile and only angers the creature further to the point where extreme, possibly fatal actions may take shape. It's best to smile and nod if seen or remain indiscernible to their eye.... Happy shopping!

Woman Donates Record Amount of Body Hair to Locks Of Love

Crested Butte, Co.- Colorado native, Rachel English, donated a record breaking three pounds of body hair to Locks of Love when she shaved after participating in "No-Shave November." English participated in the holiday celebrating the transformation of boys into men with her fiance for the first time this year. "I loved my fiance's facial hair when he participated in past years, and it just looked like a lot of fun," said English. "And the English women are known for rocking some thick, burly locks."

"I'm happy she did it with me this year," said English's fiance Tom Berkens. "It was a great bonding experience to see whose hair was growing the fastest, and which one of us could cut the other with our facial hair." English said the experience for her was fun, but she was really excited to donate to Locks of Love, a company that takes donated hair and makes hair prosthetics for children who have lost hair due to illness. The hair English donated is going toward two separate children that suffer from alopecia areata.

"The purpose of Locks of Love is to restore confidence to children who have lost their hair," said the president of Locks of Love, Madonna Coffman. "We don't discriminate what type of hair we receive, these kids are happy to have construction paper glued to their heads; but seriously, we do that too."

While English has broken the record for the amount of body hair donated, she has yet to defeat the record holder for scalp hair. Grenadine Nennis still holds that title from when she donated 12 pounds of hair after she was found in Yosemite National Park in 2007. She had been missing for three years at the time of her return. "I will donate 12.01 pounds of body hair, it will just take commitment and rigorous training," said English. "From here on out, no shaving, no armpits, no legs, no pubes, and no back!" English has the full support of her fiance, "I'm so proud of her, she beat me in the mustache race!" said Berkens.

New Political Party Created for Jeep Owners Only

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Subtle Anarchist Leaves Phone on During Presidential Speech

CHICAGO- During President Obama's acceptance speech following the announcement of his re-election, The Subtle Anarchist left his phone on loud in hopes that if someone should try to contact him, it could be heard by the crowd and Barack Obama alike. President Obama was about halfway through his elocution when the hollow ringing reached his ears. While it only momentarily crossed his mind, the president was slightly affected by the drone.

The Subtle Anarchist made eye contact with the president the moment his phone began the song of its people. "I swear I saw a bead of sweat form on our beloved president's brow," Anarchist said. "And it gave me great pleasure to leave my hands at my sides, and allow my phone to continue it's cheerful refrain." The slight, essentially unnoticeable effect the phone's ringing had on the president would make other anarchists ashamed according to The Subtle Anarchist. But his style is what is most important to him. "I possess the same rancorous emotions for the government as other anarchists, but I believe in a classier attempt at their sanity," said Anarchist.

The method employed by The Subtle Anarchist has slightly annoyed many political leaders, ranging from senators, governors, and even sheriffs. Anarchist has been plotting against presidents since Nixon's election to the highest office. "The other anarchists had their framing of Watergate," said Anarchist. "I simply intercepted the mail he received and addressed it all to a Mr. Richard Dixon. He nearly cursed his mother over that 'misspelling'."

The reasoning for The Subtle Anarchist's tactics is simple in his mind. "I believe that big demonstrations are more memorable, but the small annoyances of public life are what really shepherd leaders down the path of self destruction,"Anarchist said. "All guards are down when they don't take their opponent seriously, or don't even know they have an opposition. All it takes is one minuscule shove toward the edge, and over the precipice they fall." The Subtle Anarchist claims responsibility for Bill Clinton's fall from grace, as well as the actions of George W. Bush that led to the economic fall out in America in recent years.  "Yeah, that was me," said Anarchist.

Though it may take some time to "break" President Obama, The Subtle Anarchist remains optimistic. "A good wad of gum stuck under his windshield, or consistently tapping my fingers while he's trying to read might do the trick." Anarchist refuses to vote, citing his democratic right to despise government and all of its processes, but he's thankful Barack Obama won a second term. "Truth be told, he's been a difficult leader to subtly antagonize. I could use another four years to utterly pester the living crap out of him."

Bluth to be New Romney Campaign Manager: "Yeah, I Like His Business Model" said Romney

BREAKING NEWS:

“From Whence You Came!” is the new Romney/Ryan slogan. Gob Bluth, the new campaign manager, added the phrase immediately upon receiving the job saying it would take a "defiant stand" against the "tyranny of the Obama administration"; all while enjoying a nice day of dramatics at the beach. The slogan is featured with images of Mitt Romney hurling President Obama into the sea and declaring the beach free of terrorists. Mitt Romney said he liked the idea of forcefully evacuating the president by way of ocean hurling because he believed the waters would carry him back to Kenya. “If that man is American then I’m not the president of the Bluth company,” said Gob Bluth of Barack Obama. “I mean COME ON!” 

College Students Unsure if They're Happy or Regretting that They Didn't Drink Every Time Biden Laughed

At last night's Vice Presidential debate, Joe Biden colored happy every time the adorable Congressman Ryan attempted to talk about policy or some American he helped once. Many college students around the nation reported making drinking games out of the debates, including games such as "drink every time you see a passive aggressive smile" or "drink every time you feel sad for Lady Liberty", but last night's Vice Presidential debate inspired dilemma in many young voters. "In the first couple minutes I thought the Biden smile would be a perfect thing to drink to, I mean, it's easy to spot even in an inebriated state, and it was just so infectious. The man has perfect teeth to eye ratio."

But as the debate progressed many college students that had decided to play this drinking game regretted their decision. "Murhmph, uhhhh, bllllaaagh," said one University of Alabama student after 30 minutes of the debate. Several others were unconscious after the 30 minute mark when the count of Biden smiles or jovial laughs was lost track of. A record 1227 students across the nation were hospitalized for alcohol related injuries such as alcohol poisoning, believing one could walk on water, challenging a homicidal truck driver to a fight, or having intercourse with a walking cesspool of sexually transmitted diseases. In light of this mass destruction, last night's Vice Presidential debate has been deemed the country's largest public relations disaster for an administration since the photo of Franklin D. Roosevelt picking his nose surfaced in 1944.

The college students that elected to not partake in the drinking game sat back as those around them either jumped off of buildings or slipped disgracefully into sobbing fits of shame. Some of these students were relieved, "I dodged a bullet I think," said sophomore University of Michigan student Elissa Carthidge said. "All of these sane, respectable people I thought I knew were suddenly eating their own vomit, attempting to make love to stray animals, or just plain dying. I don't want to relive prom night."

Others were fully disappointed in themselves for not joining the festivities. "I think I missed out on an essential moment in our country's history," said Dave Riley, a student at the University of Colorado. "If throwing back hard liquor in the name of preserving our fundamental right to disrespect a time-honored tradition in our legal system isn't American, then I don't know what is."

CREATURES SPOTLIGHT

This week's Creatures Spotlight is shone upon creatures of robust douchebaggery. These creatures have no skill set apart from drinking copious amounts of alcohol (without incurring damages to their gelled hair), and procreating to the extremities. If these domesticated creatures were pushed into the wild, they would survive for less than three days without shelter from the elements or a mirror. Their tanned skin is their form of camouflage; it attempts to trick others into believing that they hail from a warmer, sunnier climate, most likely mediterranean or tropical. Most are not deceived by this cloaking and it thus proves itself to be a useless means of protection from predators. This breed of destitute creatures has only survived due to their excellent means of fornication. Despite alcohol poisoning or drug overdose,  these creatures have a natural instinct to mount and thrust into the nearest living thing to their barely conscious bodies. This primal urge has saved the species and they enjoy large population growth each year.