"Life is Not Worth Living", said Cat Show Loser

ST. LOUIS- Meowskers! The city was overrun with felines and their friends this Saturday at the 56th Annual Cat Got Your Tongue Show that awards excellence in feline fancery. One cat and owner were victorious, but the passion seemed to truly reside in the kitties and handlers that just missed the title. "I gave up my job for this. Cats are the only thing holding me to this world," said one disgruntled handler, Becky Needler. "Sir Chilkensworth is the purrr-fectest cat in the world, and he deserved that title. I smell cronyism."

Sir Chilkensworth, an Asian Semi-Long Hair cat, came in fifth, just out of medal earning reach. However, the show consisted of 300 cats, so Sir Chilkensworth beat out 295 other felines for his place. "Fifth place? That's shit. I want to see bling around his neck, I want so much bling that his sweet little fluffy neck snaps," said Needler. "Life is not worth living."

While Needler's reaction may seem extreme, the show has a history of manic depressive entrants and psychotic break downs. "We get a couple each year that go out on a stretcher," said event director Trish Macon. "They either don't eat or drink for days in a sort of blind obsession, or work themselves up so much that a blood vessel pops. Every year."

To curb the stress at such high scale events, many cat owners take prescription pain relievers. The consequent drug ring that has formed is many of the cat handlers' biggest income for the year. "Oh yeah, I make boat loads of cash at these things," said cat handler Theresa Walker. "I know everyone's order by heart and have never lost a customer. In fact," said Walker, "I get more and larger requests each year."

The organizers of the event know about the drug activity, but choose to remain silent. "What they do in preparation is none of my business," said Macon, director. "As long as those feline divas strut their haunches, everyone goes home a winner." Needler would have to disagree. "There's no gray area when it comes to winning, and Sir Chilkensworth LOST. I gave up my family for this piece of shit! I haven't seen my kids in three years, and all I have to show for my sacrifice is fucking FIFTH PLACE?!?!?! Fuck you Sir Chilkensworth!" To which the calm Asian Semi-Long Hair replied, "Meow."

Friendly Girl with No Enemies Proclaims, "Haters Gonna Hate"

TRENTON, Miss.- Area girl Rebekah Farley, 15, proclaimed in front of her home room class on Monday that "Haters gonna hate," to the skepticism of everyone who has seen Farley close up and from a distance. The 15-year-old has many friends and no known enemies to date. The first and only incident Farley has ever had was in third grade when fellow classmate Janet Nells didn't like that Farley had the same Beauty and the Beast shirt as her. The two only argued for five minutes before they became best friends and shared all of their secrets.

"My presence is upsetting apparently," said Farley. "My parents gave me a stuffed teddy bear instead of a heart shaped necklace this year for Valentine's Day, so I guess you could say they're hating on me." Farley's friends haven't even acknowledged her home room statement, they believe it to be a rumor. "My mind does not put that image together, sorry," said one of her best friends Theresa Gringley. "Rebekah's a walking smiley face. She poops rainbows, do you get the picture or should I keep going?"

Farley's teachers have a similar disbelief that peers and relatives are hating on the 15-year-old. "She's a real bright student, I've always enjoyed her discussion and hard work," said Farley's math teacher Harriet Nancy. "Rebekah is smart, but doesn't make others feel inadequate or stupid. She's no teacher's pet, just an easy going, unicorn loving, girl." Many teachers at her school have said similar comments about Farley's participation in school related activities.

The drama teacher, Darrel Banes who has directed Rebekah in many school plays said, "Rebekah's the sweet middle ground between delinquent thug and brown noser. I'm not supposed to say this, but she's my favorite student."

Despite all of these testimonies to Farley's sweet and loving character, she still claims that haters are hating from some indiscernible distance. "Oh, they're there," said Farley. "Yesterday I ran out of gas on the busiest road in town, and only three people stopped to help me push my car to the gas station. Three people. Last time there were six. It's a sign."

Convinced as she is of this general hatred toward her, Farley's family, friends, and even strangers planned a benefit in her honor to remind her of her popularity and general likable character. Upon entry, Farley burst into tears screaming, "Last year there were balloons! HATERS! All of you!" And then fled the scene.

CREATURES SPOTLIGHT

I thought to myself, "What is an extreme creature, that roams the wild with crazed eyes, desperation, and self-righteousness?" I came to the conclusion that EXTREME COUPONERS deserved the spotlight in all their jittery, obsessive compulsive glory. These creatures demand control, and believe they deserve everything for free. If the scales are not tipped in their favor, they're bound to lose whatever dignity they begun with by relentlessly demanding their version of "justice". Note: If an extreme couponer is spotted, make sure to conceal anything that could be mistaken for a coupon. This could mean scrap pieces of paper, newsprint, magazines, plastic cards, or even napkins. If spotted, the extreme couponer WILL approach, usually with aggression, and snatch your items from you. If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation, do not, I repeat, do NOT resist. It is futile and only angers the creature further to the point where extreme, possibly fatal actions may take shape. It's best to smile and nod if seen or remain indiscernible to their eye.... Happy shopping!

Woman Donates Record Amount of Body Hair to Locks Of Love

Crested Butte, Co.- Colorado native, Rachel English, donated a record breaking three pounds of body hair to Locks of Love when she shaved after participating in "No-Shave November." English participated in the holiday celebrating the transformation of boys into men with her fiance for the first time this year. "I loved my fiance's facial hair when he participated in past years, and it just looked like a lot of fun," said English. "And the English women are known for rocking some thick, burly locks."

"I'm happy she did it with me this year," said English's fiance Tom Berkens. "It was a great bonding experience to see whose hair was growing the fastest, and which one of us could cut the other with our facial hair." English said the experience for her was fun, but she was really excited to donate to Locks of Love, a company that takes donated hair and makes hair prosthetics for children who have lost hair due to illness. The hair English donated is going toward two separate children that suffer from alopecia areata.

"The purpose of Locks of Love is to restore confidence to children who have lost their hair," said the president of Locks of Love, Madonna Coffman. "We don't discriminate what type of hair we receive, these kids are happy to have construction paper glued to their heads; but seriously, we do that too."

While English has broken the record for the amount of body hair donated, she has yet to defeat the record holder for scalp hair. Grenadine Nennis still holds that title from when she donated 12 pounds of hair after she was found in Yosemite National Park in 2007. She had been missing for three years at the time of her return. "I will donate 12.01 pounds of body hair, it will just take commitment and rigorous training," said English. "From here on out, no shaving, no armpits, no legs, no pubes, and no back!" English has the full support of her fiance, "I'm so proud of her, she beat me in the mustache race!" said Berkens.

New Political Party Created for Jeep Owners Only

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Subtle Anarchist Leaves Phone on During Presidential Speech

CHICAGO- During President Obama's acceptance speech following the announcement of his re-election, The Subtle Anarchist left his phone on loud in hopes that if someone should try to contact him, it could be heard by the crowd and Barack Obama alike. President Obama was about halfway through his elocution when the hollow ringing reached his ears. While it only momentarily crossed his mind, the president was slightly affected by the drone.

The Subtle Anarchist made eye contact with the president the moment his phone began the song of its people. "I swear I saw a bead of sweat form on our beloved president's brow," Anarchist said. "And it gave me great pleasure to leave my hands at my sides, and allow my phone to continue it's cheerful refrain." The slight, essentially unnoticeable effect the phone's ringing had on the president would make other anarchists ashamed according to The Subtle Anarchist. But his style is what is most important to him. "I possess the same rancorous emotions for the government as other anarchists, but I believe in a classier attempt at their sanity," said Anarchist.

The method employed by The Subtle Anarchist has slightly annoyed many political leaders, ranging from senators, governors, and even sheriffs. Anarchist has been plotting against presidents since Nixon's election to the highest office. "The other anarchists had their framing of Watergate," said Anarchist. "I simply intercepted the mail he received and addressed it all to a Mr. Richard Dixon. He nearly cursed his mother over that 'misspelling'."

The reasoning for The Subtle Anarchist's tactics is simple in his mind. "I believe that big demonstrations are more memorable, but the small annoyances of public life are what really shepherd leaders down the path of self destruction,"Anarchist said. "All guards are down when they don't take their opponent seriously, or don't even know they have an opposition. All it takes is one minuscule shove toward the edge, and over the precipice they fall." The Subtle Anarchist claims responsibility for Bill Clinton's fall from grace, as well as the actions of George W. Bush that led to the economic fall out in America in recent years.  "Yeah, that was me," said Anarchist.

Though it may take some time to "break" President Obama, The Subtle Anarchist remains optimistic. "A good wad of gum stuck under his windshield, or consistently tapping my fingers while he's trying to read might do the trick." Anarchist refuses to vote, citing his democratic right to despise government and all of its processes, but he's thankful Barack Obama won a second term. "Truth be told, he's been a difficult leader to subtly antagonize. I could use another four years to utterly pester the living crap out of him."

Bluth to be New Romney Campaign Manager: "Yeah, I Like His Business Model" said Romney

BREAKING NEWS:

“From Whence You Came!” is the new Romney/Ryan slogan. Gob Bluth, the new campaign manager, added the phrase immediately upon receiving the job saying it would take a "defiant stand" against the "tyranny of the Obama administration"; all while enjoying a nice day of dramatics at the beach. The slogan is featured with images of Mitt Romney hurling President Obama into the sea and declaring the beach free of terrorists. Mitt Romney said he liked the idea of forcefully evacuating the president by way of ocean hurling because he believed the waters would carry him back to Kenya. “If that man is American then I’m not the president of the Bluth company,” said Gob Bluth of Barack Obama. “I mean COME ON!”