Denver, Colo. -Both President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney heavily favored the "Ask the Audience" option during the first presidential debate last night at the University of Colorado. For each question that moderator Jim Lehrer posed, the candidates immediately began sweating anew and demanded to ask the audience for their opinion. This hopelessly backfired however since the audience had agreed to be silent for the duration of the debate.
Mitt Romney was seen as visibly shaken when time and time again the audience gazed back into his panic-stricken face, unable to voice their opinions. "I really wanted to help the guy out," said audience member Jimmy Hemslee. "You always have the impulse to help someone who is more hopelessly lost than Snooki in a Library... But Lehrer has eyes in the back of his head, I couldn't even mouth the simple words 'tax reform'." There was an occasional "PSSST!"from the audience directed at the candidates, but the perpetrators' seats immediately gave way to a trap door beneath them, and they were plunged into the fiery depths below for questioning.
Other members of the audience tried throwing what few objects they were allowed to bring into the auditorium at the candidates when they wanted them to simply stop speaking. "I aimed a couple bobby pins at President Obama's head when he kept bringing up that $5 trillion that Romney then kept denying," said Hilary Bates. "Back and forth, with that five figure. I came to watch a presidential debate, not a tennis match." At one point during the debate Mitt Romney had what appeared to be a small dildo thrown at his head, which did not strike him, but grazed his fantasy-inducing hair. "I don't know how they snuck that gadget in here," said Randy Emmels, head of security. "What's really surprising is that someone would purchase such a discreet toy. I wouldn't think anyone would be able to feel that."
When asked why the "ask the audience" option was relied upon more than the others, President Obama said, "I can't phone a friend, I have no idea who are my friends. I could very easily be fed wrongful answers in an attempt to make me look like a fool in front of the American people." In response to our question of whether or not he would call his wife, Michelle Obama, he said, "She could very easily be compromised. That's not paranoia speaking, it's the words of a wise commander-in-chief."
Mitt Romney said he would have preferred the 50/50 option, but seeing as there weren't any choices given, he couldn't take advantage of it. "I wish they would have told me in advance that there wasn't going to be any multiple choice," said Governor Romney. "I had heavily relied upon that in my preparation for the debate. And to think I'd have to do speaking essays in its place!" Romney changed his strategy to "ask the audience" when he came upon this realization, and plans to write his entire campaign on his arms before the next debate. "It's just like school, some old fart without authority asking me questions, and me reading answers off of my ink smudged limbs. Works every time," said a grinning Mitt Romney.
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