Urban Outfitters-"Hobo Hotel"?

ST. LOUIS- Five very well rested homeless men greeted a surprised and disgusted store manager named Chloe Sun on Monday morning after staying the night in the Urban Outfitters located in the Galleria shopping mall. "I was scared s*%$less, and then I almost vomited because of this horrific stench that was wafting toward me from the register," Sun said. "It was as if someone had shoved a skunk's butt in my face. Blegh!"

The scent was identified as human waste when police officer Bob Roedan stepped in the brown heap directly behind the register. "Yup, that's human s*%#," Roedan said. "Man what did they eat?" When the homeless men were interviewed, only one stood up and claimed responsibility. "We couldn't find a proper toilet and it was just so cold outside, we just dropped our trousers and let nature take its course," Tim Hanes said. "As a shelter you should really offer bathrooms to the residents, it's a common human decency."

Upon further questioning and a look at the security tapes it was clear that the five men had entered the store 30 minutes before closing time at six o'clock Sunday night and had quietly made beds in the southeast corner of the store with floral pillows and quilts found on the shelves. "It looked like a typical (homeless) shelter to me," Rob Thompson, one of the five homeless men, said.  "I've actually seen better ones than this one. I was surprised by the lack of flooring, normally they have decent floors."

"The piles of old and used clothing tipped me off. I thought it was odd to have it in a mall, seemed almost cruel, but nothing else was different," Hanes said.

Sun scoffed when the police told her the homeless men had trespassed because they believed the store to be a homeless shelter. "I don't believe it, this is quality stuff! People pay upwards of $100 on our flirty dresses and hipster-chic shirts," Sun said. As she said this, Thompson picked up a plastic camera displayed around a mannequin's neck that fell apart in his hands. Sun's face reddened. "See! Can't trust them with anything! I'm still convinced they were trying to rob the store so they could have booze money!" Sun said as she snatched at the camera pieces, which seemed to be no more complex than a child's toy.

When this reporter made a small joke about one of Urban Outfitters' featured purses being called a "hobo bag" to police officer Roedan, Sun smacked the notebook and pen I was carrying to the floor and stormed out of the store. Roedan laughed loudly and offered all the homeless men breakfast at a nearby International House of Pancakes before dropping them off at the Salvation Army.

Interview With President of the United States Interrupted

WASHINGTON- In an interview with President Obama Thursday, Matt Lauer was cut off by a S.W.A.T. team that promptly lifted the president above their heads and carried him to a waiting helicopter.

The president did not change his demeanor and kept his body rigid for the four S.W.A.T. team members underneath his weight. One team member simply said, "Off we go, Mr. President."

A confused Matt Lauer protested saying, "This was scheduled! And it's live! Where is he going?"

The S.W.A.T. team members simply ignored him and proceeded to carry President Obama to the aircraft. Once they reached the steps they reorganized by turning the president on his side so he could fit through the door more easily. At the top of the steps they handed him off to another team waiting inside that began to bend his elbows and knees so he could be placed in a seating position.

The Today Show cameras got a last glimpse before the door to the helicopter was abruptly closed. The show ended the segment with an incredulous Matt Lauer saying,"This is just f%*#ing great!" He then stormed out of the camera's view.

Date Comes to a Halt Upon Viewing Woman's Bumperstickers

COLUMBIA- A local man took a woman he met on match.com on a date Friday night. "It's as if our profiles were copy and pasted, it was eerie," Dave Summers said of Julia Gardner. He was very excited to meet someone after getting a divorce last October. "It was time for me to move on, and Julia seems like a much better suited person for me than my ex-wife," Dave said. "She's a lot hotter too."

The two exchanged pleasantries at Julia's front door and then rode in Dave's 2005 red Toyota Camry to a local Dave and Buster's restaurant. Dave told his joke about how he was not in fact the "Dave" in "Dave and Buster's" and Julia laughed wholeheartedly. "I actually enjoy his jokes," Julia said. "Why do you look surprised?"

Upon leaving the restaurant, the two decided to throw inhibition into the wind and race each other to Dave's Camry. Once inside the vehicle, a breathless Dave expressed his happiness at having had a "really good time." Julia agreed and Dave drove in the direction of Julia's house.

Dave believed the date went well, and was looking forward to walking Julia to her front door. "I was hoping to get a smooch or a nice long hug," Dave said. But all his good feelings evaporated when his headlights illuminated the tail end of her '96 Nissan Altima.

"It was god-awful! Who has a "Blunt Trauma" bumper sticker anymore? It just ruined the whole evening for me," Dave nearly cried.

Among Julia's bumper stickers, there included several with sayings like, "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" and "Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only Ten I See."

Julia's collection of feminist bumper stickers was the largest, totaling in 13 separate stickers. "I don't know how they even all fit on her bumper, but she managed!" Dave said.

Dave said he changed his tone to sound disinterested and ushered Julia out of his car in a hurry with an excuse of having to feed his pet fish. "I won't be calling her any time soon," Dave said.

Julia said she was confused and "a little hurt" by the way Dave "burned rubber" going down her street. "I thought we were having a marvelous time, and then something just changed. I might call him tomorrow and see how his fish are, but I can only do so much."

Checking in with Julia the next day, Julia said that he had not answered her calls, nine in total, and that she was disappointed. "Back to the website I suppose," a slightly resigned Julia said.

First Story-Oh Joy!

I understand that having a sarcastic personality is difficult for people to understand what I'm saying most of the time. This blog is not for you to better understand me or anyone else who decides to post sarcastic tid bits on it. It's to enjoy satire, snarky comments and irony. I will try to update this as much as possible with either original material or forwarded material for your sassy viewing pleasure. For this first story, I was asked to write a fake story based on a ballad, and I chose "Leggy Blonde" from a Flight of the Conchords episode. Seems like a fitting introduction, no?

Area Man Professes Love for Professional Acquaintance

COLUMBIA - Local accountant, Derek Thames, professed his amorous feelings for the woman installing new computers in his office at Otscon Tuesday before refusing to remove himself from the roof of his office complex.

Cindy Roberts works as a computer technician for SmartTech, a company that installs and repairs computers for local businesses. She was the recipient of many calls to Mr. Thames’ office for “necessary repairs” to his company computer that had just been installed Monday.

“We like to stick around a week or so after we install a lot of computers in a office just to work out the kinks and make sure everyone understands the new system better,” James Hanover, the owner of SmartTech, said in an interview. “Cindy was the employee I chose to stay behind to answer questions and do any necessary repairs on site at Otscon.”

Thames went to the roof of the Otscon building after realizing Roberts had returned to SmartTech. “He seemed to be very disoriented and he just kept saying how much he missed her. He said he would miss her legs and her hair,” Stephen Yates, a coworker said. “I thought that was very inappropriate. They only ever discussed computers, and very briefly.”

Upon reaching the roof of Otscon, Thames shouted boldly that he would miss “leggy blonde”, his name for Roberts. He expressed regret at not being able to “share a cup of tea” with Roberts, or express his feelings to her. “It was just a sad, sad scene,” Mike Mitchell, Thames’ supervisor said.

Reportedly, Thames is still remorseful, but has gathered himself enough to return to work. “I hope he feels better soon, I don’t want him moping around the office much longer,” said Yates. Roberts has not returned any of Thames letters and hopes to avoid another encounter. “I am slightly disturbed, but I’ve had admirers before. I’ve just asked Mr. Hanover not to send me back to Otscon,” Roberts said. “He wholeheartedly agreed.”