Holiday Cheer Coaxes Man Off Ledge

LOS ANGELES- A 56-year-old man climbed to the top of his apartment building in downtown Los Angeles Friday evening after receiving divorce papers from his wife of 32 years.

Rick Fisher stole his building's janitor keys and made his way to the stairwell leading to the locked roof at approximately 6:30 P.M. on Friday immediately after his wife Theresa's lawyer served him with divorce papers. "He looked violently sick all of the sudden," Victor Cosgrove, Theresa Fisher's lawyer said. "I wish he would have ran to the bathroom instead."

"It's not like it was totally out of left field," Theresa Fisher said. "He had it coming after he put up that kitten poster in the den. One word, freak-y."

Upon reaching the top of the stairs, Fisher used the stolen keys to open the door to the roof. He was spotted by pedestrians on the street below who claimed that he immediately ripped his t-shirt off in a "haphazard" way while falling to his knees with a look of "pure agony" on his face. "I thought he had been shot," said Monica Cortez, a pedestrian. "People don't fall over like that without a bullet passing through them."

Fisher was then heard screaming obscenities and crying endlessly. By approximately 6:45 P.M. his actions had drawn a crowd and the authorities had been notified and were waiting on the street at the base of his building. His wife Theresa arrived to try and persuade him to come down by saying that she still loved him, to which he resolutely shouted, "You don't know what love is!"

A stunned crowd expected the worst. "He should have jumped by now, just get it over with so the police can clean up the street before the 9:00 rush comes on tonight," said Tom Roberts, a bystander.

All had almost given up hope of ever retrieving Fisher alive when some Christmas carolers rounded the corner of Park St. and Timber Ave. singing songs of cheer. They started by singing classics such as "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and "Jingle Bells" before moving on to more contemporary interpretations in the country and rock genres.

"It was as if a cloud opened up and revealed God's sweet glory," Miranda Hayworth, an onlooker said. "With all of the children in cute holiday dresses and Santa sweaters with jingle bells on them. It certainly made me appreciate life more."

Theresa Fisher, who was on top of the building with her husband at the time, noticed a change in his demeanor almost immediately. "I don't know how it happened, but he slowly stood up and started to sing with the carolers. -Out of tune of course, but he didn't give a damn. It was as if he were in a trance. The only time he broke his gaze was when I tried to say something to him. He turned around slowly and said in the sweetest tone to 'put a cork in it'. I didn't care what happened to him after that!"

Fisher slowly but surely made his way to the stairs, (to some applause), and immediately went to his car to go to Home Depot to get "those Christmas lights he had been meaning to put up for over three weeks."

He has been shut in his apartment ever since wrapped in Christmas sweaters that don't match the magnitude of his newfound holiday cheer. Fisher's said to only come out of his residence to purchase more eggnog and donate money to the bell ringers of the Salvation Army.

Vermin Supreme: Excellent Political Satire, Or Looney Old Man?

I literally laughed out loud, so clever.http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=4d_FvgQ1csE
"I am a friendly facist, I am a tyrant that you should trust, and you should let me run your life because I do know what is best for you."

Politician Makes a Bold Move by Promoting a "Family First" Image of Himself

BOSTON- In an unexpected move, Mitt Romney, a candidate for the GOP ticket for the presidency, has released ads promoting himself as a family man, an idea that has bewildered the political arena surrounding Washington D.C. Romney's competitors have expressed great remorse about not having thought of the campaign tool Romney has employed themselves. "I never would have thought to tell people I care about my family, not that I particularly do, but it would have been worth considering taking some photos with my godforsaken husband and devilish children," said Michele Bachmann.

"Why can't it be good campaign strategy to love the ladies? Family first, yadda yadda, everyone knows they like a little honey, I'm just more open about it," said Herman Cain.

When Rick Perry was asked to comment on what he thought of Romney's new campaign strategy he replied between bites of Al's famous ribs, "My focus is on the queers and God's hatred of them. My state appreciates that, and I'm not about changing a horse midstream. Also, I think it's important to say the U-S-of A is the best damned country out there, and we need a president that thinks so. I'm counting on my God-fearing people of the South to support me on these issues and place my rear in the Oval Office." After some moments of pause, Rick Perry wiped Al's famous barbecue sauce from his lips and said, "And Mitt Romney can suck it."

The ads consist of pictures of Romney with his family from many different years and slogans describing Romney as a caring and devoted husband and father. His wife, Ann, has taken a large role in this campaign strategy by describing the "softer side" of Mitt Romney. She describes him as silly and warm hearted and a lot of other words that would normally demean a man in a position of power, but have strangely had a positive effect on Romney's popularity. "I find him to be a much nicer man than any of the other candidates," said 56-year-old Rosamund Yates of Tampa, Florida. "I used to vote democratic, but since he's such a kind person I'm going to vote for him in hopes he makes it to the White House. His wife sure is lucky."

Even men are having similar thoughts about Mr. Romney. "I think a real man is someone who provides for his family, and he seems to do a good job. If he can provide for his family, he can provide for the nation," said 72-year-old Jacob Hill. "He's got my vote now, especially compared to those other hoo-haws running that can't seem to keep it in their pants. Disgraceful," Hill said shaking his head.

The polls show that since his new advertisements about family values were released, Romney has jumped seven percent in polls, which has made the other candidates quiver in their boots. "We have reason to be worried, but damn it if I don't win the presidency just because he's never had the indescribable pleasure of a prostitute's company," said a disgruntled looking Newt Gingrich.