UNITED STATES- On this Easter in 2013, the Easter Bunny has the lowest believability rate recorded in its history. Many children still partake in Easter egg hunts, but the only belief the kids have related to the activity is that their parents placed the eggs, and that candy is good. "My mom and dad hide them while we're eating breakfast," said 5-year-old Hannah. "If it takes them longer we're allowed to play with the iPad."
Many families are unwilling to keep the lie going. "It takes too much effort to make them truly believe in something," said mom of four, Susanne Harp. "I believed, and my parents went to great lengths to hide the truth from me. For 30 years they kept this up, I can't see myself lying to my children when they're grown adults." While Harp cites the effort, others say it's anti-Christian to lie to your children. "I will not tell Pagan filth to my children. They are Christian and will believe in only God, not a woodland creature with spirit from the earth," said father of 2, Dan Whigley.
Whatever the reason for the declining popularity of the "Easter Bunny lie", Bunny himself is not amused. "I'm a real person with real feelings," said Bunny. "And they're chalking up my livelihood to a lie. Sure, I don't get around to everyone's houses, I'm not that diabetic fool Santa, but I do make it to most of the houses in the greater Philadelphia area."
Bunny thinks that people should be told of his existence, even if he isn't the one hiding eggs at their particular house, because the tradition stores values into the youth of today. "It teaches them to be patient and seek out their prize, it's not just handed to them like presents at Christmas," said Bunny. "And the magic of the occasion is an exciting part of being a child. I don't want kids to grow up without experiencing wonder and magic." Reports say it also instills the notion that children should eat raw eggs they find because they contain candy, but Bunny said that was natural selection taking place and some deaths are always to be expected.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
"Life is Not Worth Living", said Cat Show Loser
ST. LOUIS- Meowskers! The city was overrun with felines and their friends this Saturday at the 56th Annual Cat Got Your Tongue Show that awards excellence in feline fancery. One cat and owner were victorious, but the passion seemed to truly reside in the kitties and handlers that just missed the title. "I gave up my job for this. Cats are the only thing holding me to this world," said one disgruntled handler, Becky Needler. "Sir Chilkensworth is the purrr-fectest cat in the world, and he deserved that title. I smell cronyism."
Sir Chilkensworth, an Asian Semi-Long Hair cat, came in fifth, just out of medal earning reach. However, the show consisted of 300 cats, so Sir Chilkensworth beat out 295 other felines for his place. "Fifth place? That's shit. I want to see bling around his neck, I want so much bling that his sweet little fluffy neck snaps," said Needler. "Life is not worth living."
While Needler's reaction may seem extreme, the show has a history of manic depressive entrants and psychotic break downs. "We get a couple each year that go out on a stretcher," said event director Trish Macon. "They either don't eat or drink for days in a sort of blind obsession, or work themselves up so much that a blood vessel pops. Every year."
To curb the stress at such high scale events, many cat owners take prescription pain relievers. The consequent drug ring that has formed is many of the cat handlers' biggest income for the year. "Oh yeah, I make boat loads of cash at these things," said cat handler Theresa Walker. "I know everyone's order by heart and have never lost a customer. In fact," said Walker, "I get more and larger requests each year."
The organizers of the event know about the drug activity, but choose to remain silent. "What they do in preparation is none of my business," said Macon, director. "As long as those feline divas strut their haunches, everyone goes home a winner." Needler would have to disagree. "There's no gray area when it comes to winning, and Sir Chilkensworth LOST. I gave up my family for this piece of shit! I haven't seen my kids in three years, and all I have to show for my sacrifice is fucking FIFTH PLACE?!?!?! Fuck you Sir Chilkensworth!" To which the calm Asian Semi-Long Hair replied, "Meow."
Sir Chilkensworth, an Asian Semi-Long Hair cat, came in fifth, just out of medal earning reach. However, the show consisted of 300 cats, so Sir Chilkensworth beat out 295 other felines for his place. "Fifth place? That's shit. I want to see bling around his neck, I want so much bling that his sweet little fluffy neck snaps," said Needler. "Life is not worth living."
While Needler's reaction may seem extreme, the show has a history of manic depressive entrants and psychotic break downs. "We get a couple each year that go out on a stretcher," said event director Trish Macon. "They either don't eat or drink for days in a sort of blind obsession, or work themselves up so much that a blood vessel pops. Every year."
To curb the stress at such high scale events, many cat owners take prescription pain relievers. The consequent drug ring that has formed is many of the cat handlers' biggest income for the year. "Oh yeah, I make boat loads of cash at these things," said cat handler Theresa Walker. "I know everyone's order by heart and have never lost a customer. In fact," said Walker, "I get more and larger requests each year."
The organizers of the event know about the drug activity, but choose to remain silent. "What they do in preparation is none of my business," said Macon, director. "As long as those feline divas strut their haunches, everyone goes home a winner." Needler would have to disagree. "There's no gray area when it comes to winning, and Sir Chilkensworth LOST. I gave up my family for this piece of shit! I haven't seen my kids in three years, and all I have to show for my sacrifice is fucking FIFTH PLACE?!?!?! Fuck you Sir Chilkensworth!" To which the calm Asian Semi-Long Hair replied, "Meow."
Friday, March 1, 2013
Friendly Girl with No Enemies Proclaims, "Haters Gonna Hate"
TRENTON, Miss.- Area girl Rebekah Farley, 15, proclaimed in front of her home room class on Monday that "Haters gonna hate," to the skepticism of everyone who has seen Farley close up and from a distance. The 15-year-old has many friends and no known enemies to date. The first and only incident Farley has ever had was in third grade when fellow classmate Janet Nells didn't like that Farley had the same Beauty and the Beast shirt as her. The two only argued for five minutes before they became best friends and shared all of their secrets.
"My presence is upsetting apparently," said Farley. "My parents gave me a stuffed teddy bear instead of a heart shaped necklace this year for Valentine's Day, so I guess you could say they're hating on me." Farley's friends haven't even acknowledged her home room statement, they believe it to be a rumor. "My mind does not put that image together, sorry," said one of her best friends Theresa Gringley. "Rebekah's a walking smiley face. She poops rainbows, do you get the picture or should I keep going?"
Farley's teachers have a similar disbelief that peers and relatives are hating on the 15-year-old. "She's a real bright student, I've always enjoyed her discussion and hard work," said Farley's math teacher Harriet Nancy. "Rebekah is smart, but doesn't make others feel inadequate or stupid. She's no teacher's pet, just an easy going, unicorn loving, girl." Many teachers at her school have said similar comments about Farley's participation in school related activities.
The drama teacher, Darrel Banes who has directed Rebekah in many school plays said, "Rebekah's the sweet middle ground between delinquent thug and brown noser. I'm not supposed to say this, but she's my favorite student."
Despite all of these testimonies to Farley's sweet and loving character, she still claims that haters are hating from some indiscernible distance. "Oh, they're there," said Farley. "Yesterday I ran out of gas on the busiest road in town, and only three people stopped to help me push my car to the gas station. Three people. Last time there were six. It's a sign."
Convinced as she is of this general hatred toward her, Farley's family, friends, and even strangers planned a benefit in her honor to remind her of her popularity and general likable character. Upon entry, Farley burst into tears screaming, "Last year there were balloons! HATERS! All of you!" And then fled the scene.
"My presence is upsetting apparently," said Farley. "My parents gave me a stuffed teddy bear instead of a heart shaped necklace this year for Valentine's Day, so I guess you could say they're hating on me." Farley's friends haven't even acknowledged her home room statement, they believe it to be a rumor. "My mind does not put that image together, sorry," said one of her best friends Theresa Gringley. "Rebekah's a walking smiley face. She poops rainbows, do you get the picture or should I keep going?"
Farley's teachers have a similar disbelief that peers and relatives are hating on the 15-year-old. "She's a real bright student, I've always enjoyed her discussion and hard work," said Farley's math teacher Harriet Nancy. "Rebekah is smart, but doesn't make others feel inadequate or stupid. She's no teacher's pet, just an easy going, unicorn loving, girl." Many teachers at her school have said similar comments about Farley's participation in school related activities.
The drama teacher, Darrel Banes who has directed Rebekah in many school plays said, "Rebekah's the sweet middle ground between delinquent thug and brown noser. I'm not supposed to say this, but she's my favorite student."
Despite all of these testimonies to Farley's sweet and loving character, she still claims that haters are hating from some indiscernible distance. "Oh, they're there," said Farley. "Yesterday I ran out of gas on the busiest road in town, and only three people stopped to help me push my car to the gas station. Three people. Last time there were six. It's a sign."
Convinced as she is of this general hatred toward her, Farley's family, friends, and even strangers planned a benefit in her honor to remind her of her popularity and general likable character. Upon entry, Farley burst into tears screaming, "Last year there were balloons! HATERS! All of you!" And then fled the scene.
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