Urban Outfitters-"Hobo Hotel"?

ST. LOUIS- Five very well rested homeless men greeted a surprised and disgusted store manager named Chloe Sun on Monday morning after staying the night in the Urban Outfitters located in the Galleria shopping mall. "I was scared s*%$less, and then I almost vomited because of this horrific stench that was wafting toward me from the register," Sun said. "It was as if someone had shoved a skunk's butt in my face. Blegh!"

The scent was identified as human waste when police officer Bob Roedan stepped in the brown heap directly behind the register. "Yup, that's human s*%#," Roedan said. "Man what did they eat?" When the homeless men were interviewed, only one stood up and claimed responsibility. "We couldn't find a proper toilet and it was just so cold outside, we just dropped our trousers and let nature take its course," Tim Hanes said. "As a shelter you should really offer bathrooms to the residents, it's a common human decency."

Upon further questioning and a look at the security tapes it was clear that the five men had entered the store 30 minutes before closing time at six o'clock Sunday night and had quietly made beds in the southeast corner of the store with floral pillows and quilts found on the shelves. "It looked like a typical (homeless) shelter to me," Rob Thompson, one of the five homeless men, said.  "I've actually seen better ones than this one. I was surprised by the lack of flooring, normally they have decent floors."

"The piles of old and used clothing tipped me off. I thought it was odd to have it in a mall, seemed almost cruel, but nothing else was different," Hanes said.

Sun scoffed when the police told her the homeless men had trespassed because they believed the store to be a homeless shelter. "I don't believe it, this is quality stuff! People pay upwards of $100 on our flirty dresses and hipster-chic shirts," Sun said. As she said this, Thompson picked up a plastic camera displayed around a mannequin's neck that fell apart in his hands. Sun's face reddened. "See! Can't trust them with anything! I'm still convinced they were trying to rob the store so they could have booze money!" Sun said as she snatched at the camera pieces, which seemed to be no more complex than a child's toy.

When this reporter made a small joke about one of Urban Outfitters' featured purses being called a "hobo bag" to police officer Roedan, Sun smacked the notebook and pen I was carrying to the floor and stormed out of the store. Roedan laughed loudly and offered all the homeless men breakfast at a nearby International House of Pancakes before dropping them off at the Salvation Army.

Interview With President of the United States Interrupted

WASHINGTON- In an interview with President Obama Thursday, Matt Lauer was cut off by a S.W.A.T. team that promptly lifted the president above their heads and carried him to a waiting helicopter.

The president did not change his demeanor and kept his body rigid for the four S.W.A.T. team members underneath his weight. One team member simply said, "Off we go, Mr. President."

A confused Matt Lauer protested saying, "This was scheduled! And it's live! Where is he going?"

The S.W.A.T. team members simply ignored him and proceeded to carry President Obama to the aircraft. Once they reached the steps they reorganized by turning the president on his side so he could fit through the door more easily. At the top of the steps they handed him off to another team waiting inside that began to bend his elbows and knees so he could be placed in a seating position.

The Today Show cameras got a last glimpse before the door to the helicopter was abruptly closed. The show ended the segment with an incredulous Matt Lauer saying,"This is just f%*#ing great!" He then stormed out of the camera's view.