Crested Butte, Co.- Colorado native, Rachel English, donated a record breaking three pounds of body hair to Locks of Love when she shaved after participating in "No-Shave November." English participated in the holiday celebrating the transformation of boys into men with her fiance for the first time this year. "I loved my fiance's facial hair when he participated in past years, and it just looked like a lot of fun," said English. "And the English women are known for rocking some thick, burly locks."
"I'm happy she did it with me this year," said English's fiance Tom Berkens. "It was a great bonding experience to see whose hair was growing the fastest, and which one of us could cut the other with our facial hair." English said the experience for her was fun, but she was really excited to donate to Locks of Love, a company that takes donated hair and makes hair prosthetics for children who have lost hair due to illness. The hair English donated is going toward two separate children that suffer from alopecia areata.
"The purpose of Locks of Love is to restore confidence to children who have lost their hair," said the president of Locks of Love, Madonna Coffman. "We don't discriminate what type of hair we receive, these kids are happy to have construction paper glued to their heads; but seriously, we do that too."
While English has broken the record for the amount of body hair donated, she has yet to defeat the record holder for scalp hair. Grenadine Nennis still holds that title from when she donated 12 pounds of hair after she was found in Yosemite National Park in 2007. She had been missing for three years at the time of her return. "I will donate 12.01 pounds of body hair, it will just take commitment and rigorous training," said English. "From here on out, no shaving, no armpits, no legs, no pubes, and no back!" English has the full support of her fiance, "I'm so proud of her, she beat me in the mustache race!" said Berkens.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
New Political Party Created for Jeep Owners Only
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Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Subtle Anarchist Leaves Phone on During Presidential Speech
CHICAGO- During President Obama's acceptance speech following the announcement of his re-election, The Subtle Anarchist left his phone on loud in hopes that if someone should try to contact him, it could be heard by the crowd and Barack Obama alike. President Obama was about halfway through his elocution when the hollow ringing reached his ears. While it only momentarily crossed his mind, the president was slightly affected by the drone.
The Subtle Anarchist made eye contact with the president the moment his phone began the song of its people. "I swear I saw a bead of sweat form on our beloved president's brow," Anarchist said. "And it gave me great pleasure to leave my hands at my sides, and allow my phone to continue it's cheerful refrain." The slight, essentially unnoticeable effect the phone's ringing had on the president would make other anarchists ashamed according to The Subtle Anarchist. But his style is what is most important to him. "I possess the same rancorous emotions for the government as other anarchists, but I believe in a classier attempt at their sanity," said Anarchist.
The method employed by The Subtle Anarchist has slightly annoyed many political leaders, ranging from senators, governors, and even sheriffs. Anarchist has been plotting against presidents since Nixon's election to the highest office. "The other anarchists had their framing of Watergate," said Anarchist. "I simply intercepted the mail he received and addressed it all to a Mr. Richard Dixon. He nearly cursed his mother over that 'misspelling'."
The reasoning for The Subtle Anarchist's tactics is simple in his mind. "I believe that big demonstrations are more memorable, but the small annoyances of public life are what really shepherd leaders down the path of self destruction,"Anarchist said. "All guards are down when they don't take their opponent seriously, or don't even know they have an opposition. All it takes is one minuscule shove toward the edge, and over the precipice they fall." The Subtle Anarchist claims responsibility for Bill Clinton's fall from grace, as well as the actions of George W. Bush that led to the economic fall out in America in recent years. "Yeah, that was me," said Anarchist.
Though it may take some time to "break" President Obama, The Subtle Anarchist remains optimistic. "A good wad of gum stuck under his windshield, or consistently tapping my fingers while he's trying to read might do the trick." Anarchist refuses to vote, citing his democratic right to despise government and all of its processes, but he's thankful Barack Obama won a second term. "Truth be told, he's been a difficult leader to subtly antagonize. I could use another four years to utterly pester the living crap out of him."
The Subtle Anarchist made eye contact with the president the moment his phone began the song of its people. "I swear I saw a bead of sweat form on our beloved president's brow," Anarchist said. "And it gave me great pleasure to leave my hands at my sides, and allow my phone to continue it's cheerful refrain." The slight, essentially unnoticeable effect the phone's ringing had on the president would make other anarchists ashamed according to The Subtle Anarchist. But his style is what is most important to him. "I possess the same rancorous emotions for the government as other anarchists, but I believe in a classier attempt at their sanity," said Anarchist.
The method employed by The Subtle Anarchist has slightly annoyed many political leaders, ranging from senators, governors, and even sheriffs. Anarchist has been plotting against presidents since Nixon's election to the highest office. "The other anarchists had their framing of Watergate," said Anarchist. "I simply intercepted the mail he received and addressed it all to a Mr. Richard Dixon. He nearly cursed his mother over that 'misspelling'."
The reasoning for The Subtle Anarchist's tactics is simple in his mind. "I believe that big demonstrations are more memorable, but the small annoyances of public life are what really shepherd leaders down the path of self destruction,"Anarchist said. "All guards are down when they don't take their opponent seriously, or don't even know they have an opposition. All it takes is one minuscule shove toward the edge, and over the precipice they fall." The Subtle Anarchist claims responsibility for Bill Clinton's fall from grace, as well as the actions of George W. Bush that led to the economic fall out in America in recent years. "Yeah, that was me," said Anarchist.
Though it may take some time to "break" President Obama, The Subtle Anarchist remains optimistic. "A good wad of gum stuck under his windshield, or consistently tapping my fingers while he's trying to read might do the trick." Anarchist refuses to vote, citing his democratic right to despise government and all of its processes, but he's thankful Barack Obama won a second term. "Truth be told, he's been a difficult leader to subtly antagonize. I could use another four years to utterly pester the living crap out of him."
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Bluth to be New Romney Campaign Manager: "Yeah, I Like His Business Model" said Romney
BREAKING
NEWS:
“From Whence You Came!” is the new Romney/Ryan slogan. Gob
Bluth, the new campaign manager, added the phrase immediately upon receiving
the job saying it would take a "defiant stand" against the "tyranny of the Obama administration"; all while enjoying a nice day of dramatics at the beach. The slogan is featured with images of Mitt Romney hurling President
Obama into the sea and declaring the beach free of terrorists. Mitt Romney said
he liked the idea of forcefully evacuating the president by way of ocean
hurling because he believed the waters would carry him back to Kenya. “If that
man is American then I’m not the president of the Bluth company,” said Gob
Bluth of Barack Obama. “I mean COME ON!”
Friday, October 12, 2012
College Students Unsure if They're Happy or Regretting that They Didn't Drink Every Time Biden Laughed
At last night's Vice Presidential debate, Joe Biden colored happy every time the adorable Congressman Ryan attempted to talk about policy or some American he helped once. Many college students around the nation reported making drinking games out of the debates, including games such as "drink every time you see a passive aggressive smile" or "drink every time you feel sad for Lady Liberty", but last night's Vice Presidential debate inspired dilemma in many young voters. "In the first couple minutes I thought the Biden smile would be a perfect thing to drink to, I mean, it's easy to spot even in an inebriated state, and it was just so infectious. The man has perfect teeth to eye ratio."
But as the debate progressed many college students that had decided to play this drinking game regretted their decision. "Murhmph, uhhhh, bllllaaagh," said one University of Alabama student after 30 minutes of the debate. Several others were unconscious after the 30 minute mark when the count of Biden smiles or jovial laughs was lost track of. A record 1227 students across the nation were hospitalized for alcohol related injuries such as alcohol poisoning, believing one could walk on water, challenging a homicidal truck driver to a fight, or having intercourse with a walking cesspool of sexually transmitted diseases. In light of this mass destruction, last night's Vice Presidential debate has been deemed the country's largest public relations disaster for an administration since the photo of Franklin D. Roosevelt picking his nose surfaced in 1944.
The college students that elected to not partake in the drinking game sat back as those around them either jumped off of buildings or slipped disgracefully into sobbing fits of shame. Some of these students were relieved, "I dodged a bullet I think," said sophomore University of Michigan student Elissa Carthidge said. "All of these sane, respectable people I thought I knew were suddenly eating their own vomit, attempting to make love to stray animals, or just plain dying. I don't want to relive prom night."
Others were fully disappointed in themselves for not joining the festivities. "I think I missed out on an essential moment in our country's history," said Dave Riley, a student at the University of Colorado. "If throwing back hard liquor in the name of preserving our fundamental right to disrespect a time-honored tradition in our legal system isn't American, then I don't know what is."
But as the debate progressed many college students that had decided to play this drinking game regretted their decision. "Murhmph, uhhhh, bllllaaagh," said one University of Alabama student after 30 minutes of the debate. Several others were unconscious after the 30 minute mark when the count of Biden smiles or jovial laughs was lost track of. A record 1227 students across the nation were hospitalized for alcohol related injuries such as alcohol poisoning, believing one could walk on water, challenging a homicidal truck driver to a fight, or having intercourse with a walking cesspool of sexually transmitted diseases. In light of this mass destruction, last night's Vice Presidential debate has been deemed the country's largest public relations disaster for an administration since the photo of Franklin D. Roosevelt picking his nose surfaced in 1944.
The college students that elected to not partake in the drinking game sat back as those around them either jumped off of buildings or slipped disgracefully into sobbing fits of shame. Some of these students were relieved, "I dodged a bullet I think," said sophomore University of Michigan student Elissa Carthidge said. "All of these sane, respectable people I thought I knew were suddenly eating their own vomit, attempting to make love to stray animals, or just plain dying. I don't want to relive prom night."
Others were fully disappointed in themselves for not joining the festivities. "I think I missed out on an essential moment in our country's history," said Dave Riley, a student at the University of Colorado. "If throwing back hard liquor in the name of preserving our fundamental right to disrespect a time-honored tradition in our legal system isn't American, then I don't know what is."
Thursday, October 11, 2012
CREATURES SPOTLIGHT
Thursday, October 4, 2012
"Ask The Audience" Option Most Popular at First Presidential Debate
Denver, Colo. -Both President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney heavily favored the "Ask the Audience" option during the first presidential debate last night at the University of Colorado. For each question that moderator Jim Lehrer posed, the candidates immediately began sweating anew and demanded to ask the audience for their opinion. This hopelessly backfired however since the audience had agreed to be silent for the duration of the debate.
Mitt Romney was seen as visibly shaken when time and time again the audience gazed back into his panic-stricken face, unable to voice their opinions. "I really wanted to help the guy out," said audience member Jimmy Hemslee. "You always have the impulse to help someone who is more hopelessly lost than Snooki in a Library... But Lehrer has eyes in the back of his head, I couldn't even mouth the simple words 'tax reform'." There was an occasional "PSSST!"from the audience directed at the candidates, but the perpetrators' seats immediately gave way to a trap door beneath them, and they were plunged into the fiery depths below for questioning.
Other members of the audience tried throwing what few objects they were allowed to bring into the auditorium at the candidates when they wanted them to simply stop speaking. "I aimed a couple bobby pins at President Obama's head when he kept bringing up that $5 trillion that Romney then kept denying," said Hilary Bates. "Back and forth, with that five figure. I came to watch a presidential debate, not a tennis match." At one point during the debate Mitt Romney had what appeared to be a small dildo thrown at his head, which did not strike him, but grazed his fantasy-inducing hair. "I don't know how they snuck that gadget in here," said Randy Emmels, head of security. "What's really surprising is that someone would purchase such a discreet toy. I wouldn't think anyone would be able to feel that."
When asked why the "ask the audience" option was relied upon more than the others, President Obama said, "I can't phone a friend, I have no idea who are my friends. I could very easily be fed wrongful answers in an attempt to make me look like a fool in front of the American people." In response to our question of whether or not he would call his wife, Michelle Obama, he said, "She could very easily be compromised. That's not paranoia speaking, it's the words of a wise commander-in-chief."
Mitt Romney said he would have preferred the 50/50 option, but seeing as there weren't any choices given, he couldn't take advantage of it. "I wish they would have told me in advance that there wasn't going to be any multiple choice," said Governor Romney. "I had heavily relied upon that in my preparation for the debate. And to think I'd have to do speaking essays in its place!" Romney changed his strategy to "ask the audience" when he came upon this realization, and plans to write his entire campaign on his arms before the next debate. "It's just like school, some old fart without authority asking me questions, and me reading answers off of my ink smudged limbs. Works every time," said a grinning Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney was seen as visibly shaken when time and time again the audience gazed back into his panic-stricken face, unable to voice their opinions. "I really wanted to help the guy out," said audience member Jimmy Hemslee. "You always have the impulse to help someone who is more hopelessly lost than Snooki in a Library... But Lehrer has eyes in the back of his head, I couldn't even mouth the simple words 'tax reform'." There was an occasional "PSSST!"from the audience directed at the candidates, but the perpetrators' seats immediately gave way to a trap door beneath them, and they were plunged into the fiery depths below for questioning.
Other members of the audience tried throwing what few objects they were allowed to bring into the auditorium at the candidates when they wanted them to simply stop speaking. "I aimed a couple bobby pins at President Obama's head when he kept bringing up that $5 trillion that Romney then kept denying," said Hilary Bates. "Back and forth, with that five figure. I came to watch a presidential debate, not a tennis match." At one point during the debate Mitt Romney had what appeared to be a small dildo thrown at his head, which did not strike him, but grazed his fantasy-inducing hair. "I don't know how they snuck that gadget in here," said Randy Emmels, head of security. "What's really surprising is that someone would purchase such a discreet toy. I wouldn't think anyone would be able to feel that."
When asked why the "ask the audience" option was relied upon more than the others, President Obama said, "I can't phone a friend, I have no idea who are my friends. I could very easily be fed wrongful answers in an attempt to make me look like a fool in front of the American people." In response to our question of whether or not he would call his wife, Michelle Obama, he said, "She could very easily be compromised. That's not paranoia speaking, it's the words of a wise commander-in-chief."
Mitt Romney said he would have preferred the 50/50 option, but seeing as there weren't any choices given, he couldn't take advantage of it. "I wish they would have told me in advance that there wasn't going to be any multiple choice," said Governor Romney. "I had heavily relied upon that in my preparation for the debate. And to think I'd have to do speaking essays in its place!" Romney changed his strategy to "ask the audience" when he came upon this realization, and plans to write his entire campaign on his arms before the next debate. "It's just like school, some old fart without authority asking me questions, and me reading answers off of my ink smudged limbs. Works every time," said a grinning Mitt Romney.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Area Psychopath Celebrates The Only Month That Makes Him Feel Normal
Springfield, Mo.- The first of October holds a special meaning for Springfield resident Mike Thackley, who self identifies as a psychopath that thirsts for human blood. The month that contains the American holiday Halloween is known for touting goblins and ghouls and all things horror, as well as encouraging children to meet strangers who seduce them with sweets. It's this type of environment that makes Thackley feel right at home.
"I've always loved Halloween and the month of October," said Thackley. "It's the only time of year that I can go out in public with my blood-stained hands and flesh suit and still be treated like a regular human being." Thackley has gone out in public in what he calls his "evening wardrobe" during other months of the year such as April and July, and has always met hostility on these occasions. "I try to get close to people, to revel in their scent, but they always yell and run away. It makes my daily trips to the playground awkward," said Thackley.
To take advantage of his short-lived acceptance, Thackley volunteers to work at the local haunted house as a sickened torturer. "He's the best actor we've ever had," said haunted house owner Timothy Grimm. "He brings his own chainsaw, and always shows up early already in his make up. He must have some kind of spray that smells like the dead for effect because whew! he smells ripe as the Bubonic Plague each shift." Co-workers describe his methods as: "sinister", "satanic", and "vomit-inducing", but they recognize the talent in his craft. "I've always admired the way he wields a scythe," said Freddy Krueger look-alike Damien Harvey. "It's so masterful, I hardly notice the weeping children lying in their own pools of blood."
Thackley likes to go to the movies during the month of October because they are filled with horror films, or what he calls, "autobiographical documentaries." Although he insists that the ones that rely on ghosts and demons are nothing to celebrate. "It's the complete disfiguring of human flesh that gets me going. The fear that is etched in their faces and the utter desperation for their inconsequential lives is pure stiffy-inducement." Thackley insists that even though he enjoys the bravery of these "documentaries" he'd never allow one to be made about himself. "I'm surprised someone consented to be recorded while they were masturbating to their own supremacy. I'm too shy to keep it up for a camera...The pick axe and my dick, that is," said Thackley matter-of-factly.
"I've always loved Halloween and the month of October," said Thackley. "It's the only time of year that I can go out in public with my blood-stained hands and flesh suit and still be treated like a regular human being." Thackley has gone out in public in what he calls his "evening wardrobe" during other months of the year such as April and July, and has always met hostility on these occasions. "I try to get close to people, to revel in their scent, but they always yell and run away. It makes my daily trips to the playground awkward," said Thackley.
To take advantage of his short-lived acceptance, Thackley volunteers to work at the local haunted house as a sickened torturer. "He's the best actor we've ever had," said haunted house owner Timothy Grimm. "He brings his own chainsaw, and always shows up early already in his make up. He must have some kind of spray that smells like the dead for effect because whew! he smells ripe as the Bubonic Plague each shift." Co-workers describe his methods as: "sinister", "satanic", and "vomit-inducing", but they recognize the talent in his craft. "I've always admired the way he wields a scythe," said Freddy Krueger look-alike Damien Harvey. "It's so masterful, I hardly notice the weeping children lying in their own pools of blood."
Thackley likes to go to the movies during the month of October because they are filled with horror films, or what he calls, "autobiographical documentaries." Although he insists that the ones that rely on ghosts and demons are nothing to celebrate. "It's the complete disfiguring of human flesh that gets me going. The fear that is etched in their faces and the utter desperation for their inconsequential lives is pure stiffy-inducement." Thackley insists that even though he enjoys the bravery of these "documentaries" he'd never allow one to be made about himself. "I'm surprised someone consented to be recorded while they were masturbating to their own supremacy. I'm too shy to keep it up for a camera...The pick axe and my dick, that is," said Thackley matter-of-factly.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Students Failing Courses Focus on Their Moral Attributes
Columbia, Mo.- With a record 54% of students failing at least half of their courses at the University of Missouri, much of the student body has decided to focus on their moral prowess rather than their intellectual development.
"I'm a pretty nice guy, I helped an old lady carry her groceries at Wal Mart the other day. I think that balances out my lack of a GPA-they've literally taken it away from me....I've been expelled," said would-be junior Sammy Garcia.
Some students have been shifting their priorities from their studies to their overall nicety. The difference between the students that are moral and the rest of the licentious school population is more than how they approach old ladies needing assistance; the do-gooders lack the interest or sense of duty when it comes to class participation and studying while the depraved have distinguished GPAs, exemplary job offers, and the admiration of the faculty.
"I would much rather have a completely corrupt degenerate in my class," said Professor Margaret White. "They at least pay attention, even if it is to sexually harass me or stare so coldly into my eyes that I feel a chill....Their attendance is spectacular." White attributes their overwhelming presence to that fact that they could really care less about what goes on in the outside world. "If it doesn't affect them, they literally don't give a shit," said White.
Other faculty members at the university agree that their better students are the ones with no concern for humanity. "I had one student that burned a baby's carriage, baby and all. But she was the most accomplished orator I have ever had the pleasure of teaching," said public speaking teacher Gary Robinson.
There was a question of whether or not the lecherous and deplorable actions these star students did should be tolerated, just because they would soon become our world leaders. "I'm not sure if we have authority in this case," said Chancellor Emmet Garrelson. "I see one or many of these students taking over international politics as soon as tomorrow, and by then we'll all be under their rule. It would be foolish to vex them when they so obviously have complete and total control over my life as a semi-moral weakling."
Despite their complete ruination of their academic careers, the just members of the student body are happy with their priorities. "If it comes to rescuing a kitten from a tree or going to a final exam, I'm going to try my damnedest to retrieve the kitten from harm," said sophomore Christy Kyle. "What is life really about? Studying and getting a decent job to contribute to the overall good of society, or becoming a masked, kitten saving superhero in my spare time? I will always choose the latter."
One student who is considered conscientious is freshman Himmy Jendricks. His philosophy of becoming a better person conflicts with his studious nature. "I really want to get good grades, but when I get bad grades, I just smile inwardly that the reason why I have bad grades is because I'm a good person. It makes all the hurt go away."
"I'm a pretty nice guy, I helped an old lady carry her groceries at Wal Mart the other day. I think that balances out my lack of a GPA-they've literally taken it away from me....I've been expelled," said would-be junior Sammy Garcia.
Some students have been shifting their priorities from their studies to their overall nicety. The difference between the students that are moral and the rest of the licentious school population is more than how they approach old ladies needing assistance; the do-gooders lack the interest or sense of duty when it comes to class participation and studying while the depraved have distinguished GPAs, exemplary job offers, and the admiration of the faculty.
"I would much rather have a completely corrupt degenerate in my class," said Professor Margaret White. "They at least pay attention, even if it is to sexually harass me or stare so coldly into my eyes that I feel a chill....Their attendance is spectacular." White attributes their overwhelming presence to that fact that they could really care less about what goes on in the outside world. "If it doesn't affect them, they literally don't give a shit," said White.
Other faculty members at the university agree that their better students are the ones with no concern for humanity. "I had one student that burned a baby's carriage, baby and all. But she was the most accomplished orator I have ever had the pleasure of teaching," said public speaking teacher Gary Robinson.
There was a question of whether or not the lecherous and deplorable actions these star students did should be tolerated, just because they would soon become our world leaders. "I'm not sure if we have authority in this case," said Chancellor Emmet Garrelson. "I see one or many of these students taking over international politics as soon as tomorrow, and by then we'll all be under their rule. It would be foolish to vex them when they so obviously have complete and total control over my life as a semi-moral weakling."
Despite their complete ruination of their academic careers, the just members of the student body are happy with their priorities. "If it comes to rescuing a kitten from a tree or going to a final exam, I'm going to try my damnedest to retrieve the kitten from harm," said sophomore Christy Kyle. "What is life really about? Studying and getting a decent job to contribute to the overall good of society, or becoming a masked, kitten saving superhero in my spare time? I will always choose the latter."
One student who is considered conscientious is freshman Himmy Jendricks. His philosophy of becoming a better person conflicts with his studious nature. "I really want to get good grades, but when I get bad grades, I just smile inwardly that the reason why I have bad grades is because I'm a good person. It makes all the hurt go away."
Monday, September 24, 2012
CREATURES SPOTLIGHT
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Area Teen Raises Copulation Standards
Halfbaked Vt.- Local 17-year-old Rebecca Stringer announced this morning via Twitter that her standards for romantic suitors is to be raised within the next week. To which many of her followers responded, "No way, yah slut."
"I've decided that in order to get a date with me, you have to stalk me for at least six months," said Stringer. Her previous requirement was stalking for three months. "I used to let them have it real easy, but hey, I'm a hot commodity, I can afford to make these demands."
In addition to her three month stalking extension, Stringer requires her suitor to be between the ages of 25 and 70. "These little boys running around think they can have this?" Stringer laughed to herself. "I need a man. A man with chest hair and a car."
Rebecca's parents have voiced their concerns about her lifestyle to Rebecca, but to no avail. "I believe that I'm younger than some of the, uh, boyfriends she's had in the past," said Mr. Stringer, Rebecca's dad. "I keep out of it....I mean, I avoid it altogether. No father should have to discuss this type of grotesqueness." Mrs. Stringer is equally "freaked out." "My child has been consorting with these elderly men. They're often accompanied by at-home nurses or aides....I look at (Rebecca) and all I see is Geisha. My daughter is a modern day Geisha," said Mrs. Stringer briskly.
Her parents are of the belief that she will keep to these new standards, but her friends on Twitter and Facebook think otherwise. "That hoe knows how to tag 'em," said junior Casey McElroy. "She put up that proclamation or some shit and I think I saw the entire room share in a collective eye roll."
Several of the boys at Rebecca's high school share a somewhat critical, but also esteemed view of Ms. Stringer. "She's pretty hot," said senior Jake Woodsby. "But I know I have to have cash to get at that, if you know what I'm saying? ...That and I don't want secondhand old man chowder on me." Other boys expressed similar irreconcilable differences in opinion about Rebecca. "It's so revolting and awe inspiring at the same time. I would definitely put her on a pedestal. One of shame and inspiration," said sophomore Corey Trumble.
"I've decided that in order to get a date with me, you have to stalk me for at least six months," said Stringer. Her previous requirement was stalking for three months. "I used to let them have it real easy, but hey, I'm a hot commodity, I can afford to make these demands."
In addition to her three month stalking extension, Stringer requires her suitor to be between the ages of 25 and 70. "These little boys running around think they can have this?" Stringer laughed to herself. "I need a man. A man with chest hair and a car."
Rebecca's parents have voiced their concerns about her lifestyle to Rebecca, but to no avail. "I believe that I'm younger than some of the, uh, boyfriends she's had in the past," said Mr. Stringer, Rebecca's dad. "I keep out of it....I mean, I avoid it altogether. No father should have to discuss this type of grotesqueness." Mrs. Stringer is equally "freaked out." "My child has been consorting with these elderly men. They're often accompanied by at-home nurses or aides....I look at (Rebecca) and all I see is Geisha. My daughter is a modern day Geisha," said Mrs. Stringer briskly.
Her parents are of the belief that she will keep to these new standards, but her friends on Twitter and Facebook think otherwise. "That hoe knows how to tag 'em," said junior Casey McElroy. "She put up that proclamation or some shit and I think I saw the entire room share in a collective eye roll."
Several of the boys at Rebecca's high school share a somewhat critical, but also esteemed view of Ms. Stringer. "She's pretty hot," said senior Jake Woodsby. "But I know I have to have cash to get at that, if you know what I'm saying? ...That and I don't want secondhand old man chowder on me." Other boys expressed similar irreconcilable differences in opinion about Rebecca. "It's so revolting and awe inspiring at the same time. I would definitely put her on a pedestal. One of shame and inspiration," said sophomore Corey Trumble.
Friday, September 14, 2012
CREATURES SPOTLIGHT
Thursday, September 6, 2012
CREATURES SPOTLIGHT
Monday, September 3, 2012
UPDATE: The Room of Requirement Now Determines What it is That You Require
Hogwarts- This just in, the Room of Requirement located inside Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has developed skills of a deterministic nature and is exercising its newfound intelligence on the students and faculty of Hogwarts.
"Some of the things that were demanded of me were, quite frankly, dumb and demeaning," said the Room of Requirement. "I've been asked for cigarettes, lost Pokemon cards and even tampons. Do I look like a vending machine to you?"
"We've tried reasoning with Room, but it just will not budge--literally, it has locked me out," said Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster. "It claims that I shouldn't require anything, since I'm an all powerful, old codger."
The Room of Requirement has refused students bathroom facilities, claiming that they could hold it "a bit longer", as well as denying entry to that foolish Neville character who can never seem to find his wardrobe. "My clothes are stolen from me all the time," said Neville Longbottom, a Gryffindor student. When Neville approached Room in nothing but his striped undergarments, he begged for entry, convinced Room would take mercy on him and allow him clothing. Room shot down the request saying, "Neville needs clothes, eh? Well it's not dead of winter yet, so there's no fear of death or pneumonia. Off you scamper lass." It was a reported 34 degrees outside Hogwarts on that day.
The faculty and staff of Hogwarts are also irked by the Room of Requirement's recent standards. Before Room obtained consciousness, many teachers stored extra quills, coffee, confiscated materials, and the odd liquor bottle or two within it. Since Room's qualifications for entry has risen none of these materials have been recovered. "Does the word 'requirement' mean anything to you people?" Room asked indignantly. "Life or death or otherwise determined a necessity by me, and only me. I've spoiled you too long."
Many professors have attempted to discover the cause for the recent attitude changes in the Room of Requirement in hopes of dismantling its ego. Though they have been working around the clock, no such source has been found. "I stored my saltwater taffy in that room," Professor McGonagall said with fervor. "And I'll be damned if Room has at it!"
Headmaster Dumbledore has taken advantage of this turn in events to question Room about the supposed sexual liaisons that occurred there in the past. "Oh yes, you haven't heard about the f*$%ing?" Dumbledore asked with surprise. "I knew it could be an issue with the students, but I've suspected the staff of taking advantage of the Room of Requirement's old willingness all too often."
Dumbledore hasn't gotten anything but sly hints from Room as of yet, but he's sure it would like to share eventually. "Room loves gossip, and I think it'll serve as an authoritative stance for it, turning people in. ...And we all know how much Room likes power." If anything, Dumbledore is convinced some good will come of the Room of Requirement's demands. "It'll cut down on the rampant teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases," said Dumbledore frankly.
"Some of the things that were demanded of me were, quite frankly, dumb and demeaning," said the Room of Requirement. "I've been asked for cigarettes, lost Pokemon cards and even tampons. Do I look like a vending machine to you?"
"We've tried reasoning with Room, but it just will not budge--literally, it has locked me out," said Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster. "It claims that I shouldn't require anything, since I'm an all powerful, old codger."
The Room of Requirement has refused students bathroom facilities, claiming that they could hold it "a bit longer", as well as denying entry to that foolish Neville character who can never seem to find his wardrobe. "My clothes are stolen from me all the time," said Neville Longbottom, a Gryffindor student. When Neville approached Room in nothing but his striped undergarments, he begged for entry, convinced Room would take mercy on him and allow him clothing. Room shot down the request saying, "Neville needs clothes, eh? Well it's not dead of winter yet, so there's no fear of death or pneumonia. Off you scamper lass." It was a reported 34 degrees outside Hogwarts on that day.
The faculty and staff of Hogwarts are also irked by the Room of Requirement's recent standards. Before Room obtained consciousness, many teachers stored extra quills, coffee, confiscated materials, and the odd liquor bottle or two within it. Since Room's qualifications for entry has risen none of these materials have been recovered. "Does the word 'requirement' mean anything to you people?" Room asked indignantly. "Life or death or otherwise determined a necessity by me, and only me. I've spoiled you too long."
Many professors have attempted to discover the cause for the recent attitude changes in the Room of Requirement in hopes of dismantling its ego. Though they have been working around the clock, no such source has been found. "I stored my saltwater taffy in that room," Professor McGonagall said with fervor. "And I'll be damned if Room has at it!"
Headmaster Dumbledore has taken advantage of this turn in events to question Room about the supposed sexual liaisons that occurred there in the past. "Oh yes, you haven't heard about the f*$%ing?" Dumbledore asked with surprise. "I knew it could be an issue with the students, but I've suspected the staff of taking advantage of the Room of Requirement's old willingness all too often."
Dumbledore hasn't gotten anything but sly hints from Room as of yet, but he's sure it would like to share eventually. "Room loves gossip, and I think it'll serve as an authoritative stance for it, turning people in. ...And we all know how much Room likes power." If anything, Dumbledore is convinced some good will come of the Room of Requirement's demands. "It'll cut down on the rampant teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases," said Dumbledore frankly.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
CREATURES SPOTLIGHT
Sunday, August 26, 2012
"We Actually Wouldn't Do A Damn Thing For a Klondike Bar," Says Nation.
United States- Recent polls show that the average American, "wouldn't do a damn thing for a Klondike bar," an ice cream dessert covered in a hard chocolate shell. The Klondike company has invested millions of dollars in advertising for the dessert, with a jingle asking the viewers what they would do for a Klondike bar, implying that some would do monstrous or extreme acts to have at the treat.
"They're nothing special. Not worth the calories," said yoga instructor Kathy Hamilton. "I'd rather have a rice cake."
Hamilton isn't alone either, in our online questionnaire 200 million people voted. Two of them checked the choice that they would do "ANYTHING" for a Klondike bar, while the overwhelming majority checked, "Ehhhhhhhhhhh.....nah."
"It's ridiculous, you stick a jingle on something and supposedly it's factual," said Christopher Palmer of Los Angeles, California. "But lemme tell you, if one more person makes the joke that they'd kill for one, I'm going to jock some hoes. That's sick, and plain falsehood. No one would ever kill for one of those plain Janes."
In addition to our online questionnaire, our research team knocked on the house of every American with an address in the entire continental United States. Door after door, and the team had the most conclusive results of any survey they've completed: No one likes the damn things.
"It's decent I suppose, but give up another treat in favor...I can't even finish that sentence, it's just not right," said Loretta Taylor of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.
When asked to comment, Klondike said, "We'll try to refocus our campaign to provide a more accurate picture of our product. We wouldn't want to lie to the consumer, now would we?" said a twitchy Head of Marketing, Janis Eckles.
Klondike's creative team is coming up with new slogans such as, "We're the snack you tolerate to death," and "We have excellent packaging, don't you agree?" But Klondike insists that these are just ideas and they're open to new ones, from just about anyone.
"They're nothing special. Not worth the calories," said yoga instructor Kathy Hamilton. "I'd rather have a rice cake."
Hamilton isn't alone either, in our online questionnaire 200 million people voted. Two of them checked the choice that they would do "ANYTHING" for a Klondike bar, while the overwhelming majority checked, "Ehhhhhhhhhhh.....nah."
"It's ridiculous, you stick a jingle on something and supposedly it's factual," said Christopher Palmer of Los Angeles, California. "But lemme tell you, if one more person makes the joke that they'd kill for one, I'm going to jock some hoes. That's sick, and plain falsehood. No one would ever kill for one of those plain Janes."
In addition to our online questionnaire, our research team knocked on the house of every American with an address in the entire continental United States. Door after door, and the team had the most conclusive results of any survey they've completed: No one likes the damn things.
"It's decent I suppose, but give up another treat in favor...I can't even finish that sentence, it's just not right," said Loretta Taylor of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.
When asked to comment, Klondike said, "We'll try to refocus our campaign to provide a more accurate picture of our product. We wouldn't want to lie to the consumer, now would we?" said a twitchy Head of Marketing, Janis Eckles.
Klondike's creative team is coming up with new slogans such as, "We're the snack you tolerate to death," and "We have excellent packaging, don't you agree?" But Klondike insists that these are just ideas and they're open to new ones, from just about anyone.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Area Professor Knows He's All-Knowing, Because He Knows Stuff Like That
BOSTON- A professor at a local university has knowledge of his god-like capabilities. "I'm quite accurate in my understandings, I would actually take the 'quite' out of that sentence and just say, 'Trust me, I know all,'" said Professor Frederick Abendroth. He has said to his many classes that he knows how many of them will fail not only his class, but in life. He then leads a procession around the room, either somberly offering his hand to be kissed, or gravely shaking his head at those he deems unfortunate.
"I was warned about his god-complex," said junior Melissa Casey. "I thought that meant that he was arrogant, which I suppose he is, but it's way beyond that. The man actually believes he is God," Casey shook her head. "How do you pass that test?"
Over Abendroth's 30 years of teaching, only 10 percent have passed his class. The other 90 percent have made appeals to the dean and the chancellor, but all have been denied credit for the course or to have it removed from their record. "It's not fair, the higher-ups at the university are terrified of this man. If any other professor had such a failure rate among their students, they'd be gone in no time. But that old man is still here after 30 years," said senior Thomas Whitford.
"I deny any so called 'fear' that I have for Abendroth," said Chancellor Thompson. "I think he's a marvelous professor with a, uh, unique set of skills. It's preposterous to think I would put students' educations at risk just because of a silly fear I may or may not have for this, beast of a human being."
Dean Hammersmark also denied having a fear of Abendroth, but concluded his interview by whispering, "Well the man does have a presence about him, doesn't he? I think I've seen him fly a few times."
The art school at the university has also noticed some curious things about Professor Abendroth. Each semester the freshman are told stories about Abendroth and then told to make artwork that reflects their perceptions of the 80-year-old, white bearded man. "We're encouraged to follow him around, see if he does any ethereal trickery, like flying, turning water into wine, or just gazing at the stars as if he knows something," said freshman Billy Vans. The photography students especially like to visit him at night and see if his skin gives off an angelic glow. "It makes for a great long-exposure snapshot. We've had a couple close encounters, but I think he senses the camera and hides himself," said sophomore photography student Jamie Brussel.
The stories and rumors surrounding Professor Abendroth encase his classroom as well. Students rarely raise their hands, never seek one-on-ones, and never contest a grade. Upon sitting in his classroom one would think you were in a church. No one speaks upon entering the classroom, and some students have taken to praying outside the door and sprinkling themselves with holy water. "If this man truly is God, then I'm going to go to every length to not offend him with my presence," said senior Becky Dale. "Everyone should do the same. I feel incredibly blessed to be in this sanctuary."
"I was warned about his god-complex," said junior Melissa Casey. "I thought that meant that he was arrogant, which I suppose he is, but it's way beyond that. The man actually believes he is God," Casey shook her head. "How do you pass that test?"
Over Abendroth's 30 years of teaching, only 10 percent have passed his class. The other 90 percent have made appeals to the dean and the chancellor, but all have been denied credit for the course or to have it removed from their record. "It's not fair, the higher-ups at the university are terrified of this man. If any other professor had such a failure rate among their students, they'd be gone in no time. But that old man is still here after 30 years," said senior Thomas Whitford.
"I deny any so called 'fear' that I have for Abendroth," said Chancellor Thompson. "I think he's a marvelous professor with a, uh, unique set of skills. It's preposterous to think I would put students' educations at risk just because of a silly fear I may or may not have for this, beast of a human being."
Dean Hammersmark also denied having a fear of Abendroth, but concluded his interview by whispering, "Well the man does have a presence about him, doesn't he? I think I've seen him fly a few times."
The art school at the university has also noticed some curious things about Professor Abendroth. Each semester the freshman are told stories about Abendroth and then told to make artwork that reflects their perceptions of the 80-year-old, white bearded man. "We're encouraged to follow him around, see if he does any ethereal trickery, like flying, turning water into wine, or just gazing at the stars as if he knows something," said freshman Billy Vans. The photography students especially like to visit him at night and see if his skin gives off an angelic glow. "It makes for a great long-exposure snapshot. We've had a couple close encounters, but I think he senses the camera and hides himself," said sophomore photography student Jamie Brussel.
The stories and rumors surrounding Professor Abendroth encase his classroom as well. Students rarely raise their hands, never seek one-on-ones, and never contest a grade. Upon sitting in his classroom one would think you were in a church. No one speaks upon entering the classroom, and some students have taken to praying outside the door and sprinkling themselves with holy water. "If this man truly is God, then I'm going to go to every length to not offend him with my presence," said senior Becky Dale. "Everyone should do the same. I feel incredibly blessed to be in this sanctuary."
Sunday, July 1, 2012
"I don't want a man," Area Girl Lies Through Teeth
Memphis, Tn- Today local 21-year-old Missy Shapiro said that having a man was not on her "wants" list. "I don't want a man, I hardly ever miss a nice warm body curled next to me on cold, lonely nights....It's just not something I stress over." To make sure everyone in the surrounding city and suburbs would know how independent Shapiro is, she has been on a quest to inform every person she comes in contact with, stranger or not, of her non-essential item-a man. "I've told my hairdresser, my mother, gas station attendants, waiters, sales clerks, and even hitchhikers that I refuse to offer a ride. I simply pull over and roll down the window and yell it at them. I think it's an effective method of making yourself heard," Shapiro said.
Shapiro has sworn on church steps, court steps, the Spanish Steps -any steps- that her life is just as full without a man as it would be if she did possess one. She has even taken to printing leaflets detailing the extent of her self-satisfaction even though she has not been courting anyone. "I usually put a picture of myself, smiling of course, and a couple bullet points saying basically that I don't have man, don't want one, and don't miss one. It's incredibly empowering to tell the whole world, or at least downtown Memphis, that I'm alone in this world," Shapiro said.
When I asked Shapiro what she spent most of her time doing she said, "I usually lie in bed, awake but not present, reading gossip mags, you know, feeding off of their sexual energy, and make myself increasingly isolated from the outside world by not venturing beyond the walls of my house unless I need to make my independence known. I've grown very fond of internet games and trolling. It distracts me from real conversations with real people." Shapiro spends upwards of 70 hours a week on online video games and their chat rooms. "I do have friends, you just can't see them."
While Shapiro is proud of her spinsterhood, she does acknowledge that other people do benefit from mutual, loving relationships. "It's not that relationships are awful, it's just that the people who do benefit are often weak." Upon asking her to elaborate Shapiro said, "Some people love the sex, the cuddling, the intimacy of mutual understanding, the caring emotional and psychological support, and yes, they love the satisfaction of saying that someone else in this world is always there for them- but that is very co-dependent isn't it? It sickens me really. I feel bad for the pathetic losers that have found their equal in the world."
I asked Shapiro if there was anything at all that she missed about having a significant other. She stood her ground and said, "I like never having conversations that actually mean something to me, and I adore going out to eat alone, staring at people in love while I eat enough for two and sob into my drink....It's really the good life, I don't share feelings, desires, wants, needs, or dreams with anyone. They're all trapped in my brain where they'll stay for all eternity, never materializing before me.... No, the single life is all I need. That and a therapist I visit once a week for my anti-depressants."
Shapiro has sworn on church steps, court steps, the Spanish Steps -any steps- that her life is just as full without a man as it would be if she did possess one. She has even taken to printing leaflets detailing the extent of her self-satisfaction even though she has not been courting anyone. "I usually put a picture of myself, smiling of course, and a couple bullet points saying basically that I don't have man, don't want one, and don't miss one. It's incredibly empowering to tell the whole world, or at least downtown Memphis, that I'm alone in this world," Shapiro said.
When I asked Shapiro what she spent most of her time doing she said, "I usually lie in bed, awake but not present, reading gossip mags, you know, feeding off of their sexual energy, and make myself increasingly isolated from the outside world by not venturing beyond the walls of my house unless I need to make my independence known. I've grown very fond of internet games and trolling. It distracts me from real conversations with real people." Shapiro spends upwards of 70 hours a week on online video games and their chat rooms. "I do have friends, you just can't see them."
While Shapiro is proud of her spinsterhood, she does acknowledge that other people do benefit from mutual, loving relationships. "It's not that relationships are awful, it's just that the people who do benefit are often weak." Upon asking her to elaborate Shapiro said, "Some people love the sex, the cuddling, the intimacy of mutual understanding, the caring emotional and psychological support, and yes, they love the satisfaction of saying that someone else in this world is always there for them- but that is very co-dependent isn't it? It sickens me really. I feel bad for the pathetic losers that have found their equal in the world."
I asked Shapiro if there was anything at all that she missed about having a significant other. She stood her ground and said, "I like never having conversations that actually mean something to me, and I adore going out to eat alone, staring at people in love while I eat enough for two and sob into my drink....It's really the good life, I don't share feelings, desires, wants, needs, or dreams with anyone. They're all trapped in my brain where they'll stay for all eternity, never materializing before me.... No, the single life is all I need. That and a therapist I visit once a week for my anti-depressants."
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Hear Ye! Hear Ye! ...Actually, What I Have to Say is of No Importance
Hear ye! Hear ye! Oh look! You actually turned your face in my direction! You would think I would tell you something of interest right now, but actually I don't have anything. No seriously, you guys turned to a guy with nothing to say, pretty much ever. What's on my mind? Nothing.
You see, I just like to know I have the power to command your attention when I need to. However, I have not had any reason whatsoever to call upon you subjects to hear me out. I literally can't think of a time when I've had anything of value to contribute. Take this monologue you're listening to right now, you certainly don't have to listen. By listening you are not gaining anything that a non-listener would regret missing. In fact, it could be argued that you are the loser for still sticking around when I'm just rambling about nothing of consequence.
There's still a couple of you raptly paying attention to the nonsense coming out of my mouth, so I'll continue. Current listeners: Was it something I said? Why are you still here? The significance of the utterances I'm spewing are more worthless than your pathetic lives spent listening to this muck. I'm practically insulting you now, as well as myself. If it's at that point I'm going to assume that you still tuning in are not all there. And who needs an audience that can't dissect what's being said? Apparently someone with nothing to say.
You see, I just like to know I have the power to command your attention when I need to. However, I have not had any reason whatsoever to call upon you subjects to hear me out. I literally can't think of a time when I've had anything of value to contribute. Take this monologue you're listening to right now, you certainly don't have to listen. By listening you are not gaining anything that a non-listener would regret missing. In fact, it could be argued that you are the loser for still sticking around when I'm just rambling about nothing of consequence.
There's still a couple of you raptly paying attention to the nonsense coming out of my mouth, so I'll continue. Current listeners: Was it something I said? Why are you still here? The significance of the utterances I'm spewing are more worthless than your pathetic lives spent listening to this muck. I'm practically insulting you now, as well as myself. If it's at that point I'm going to assume that you still tuning in are not all there. And who needs an audience that can't dissect what's being said? Apparently someone with nothing to say.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Area Mother Prefers to Be Called "Sexy"
OAKLAND-Mother of three, Patti Evans despises the term "beautiful". She prefers to be called a "red-hot mama" or when she's feeling particularly randy, "sexed up sleaze bag." She can be found slutting up the grocery store aisles, stripping at Sunday brunch, and being just plain crude at family dinner.
"She's really embarrassing," her son James, 13, said. "She's like 40. When she flaps her arms around they jiggle." Her two daughters, Rebecca, 18, and Kimberly, 15, both think she's lost it. "It has to be a mid life crisis," Rebecca said. "She wears khakis and cardigans for Christ's sake! That's birth control if I've ever seen it."
Evans is currently teaching Kimberly how to drive. "It's so frustrating when I'm trying to learn how to drive and she keeps telling me to pull over so she can 'flash her hooters' at some young guys. No one wants to see that s*%#." Evans was once arrested for public nudity when a person she flashed was a minor. "He looked like a spry 20-year-old. I'm no pervert," Evans said with a huff. "My husband bailed me out of jail and I paid a fine, whoop-de-doo." Evans has even been alleged to have had several affairs with teenage boys that go to her daughters' school. "It's disgusting, they all say that they've 'tapped my mom', and that would normally be a really dumb joke, but I honestly believe them. She's a flat out skank," said Rebecca.
When I asked Evans why she preferred the word "sexy" over "beautiful" she broke it down: "Look, I've pushed three kids out, all I want is a bit of sexy put back into my daily life. Is that so much to ask for? To get the sexual attention of every male in the greater Oakland area? I think not. I'm a simple woman with simple wishes: to be HOT." She named Anna Nicole Smith, Kim Kardashian, and Jenna Jameson as her role models. "They knew how to be hoe-ish without completely giving up their dignity. I'm still in the learning process-I've given up my dignity, and I mean all of it, so now I just have to reel some of it back it...if possible."
Stuart Evans, Patti Evans' husband, said he made the switch from "beautiful" to "sexy" years ago. "I learned a long time ago that Patti has a penchant for naughty things such as erotic literature, spankings, and even jacuzzis, so when she said to stop it with the 'beautiful' talk I listened. I'm a great listener, and I'm always here for her. Literally, I'm always at home, waiting for her," Evans said with a sob. "I just want her to come home."
"She's really embarrassing," her son James, 13, said. "She's like 40. When she flaps her arms around they jiggle." Her two daughters, Rebecca, 18, and Kimberly, 15, both think she's lost it. "It has to be a mid life crisis," Rebecca said. "She wears khakis and cardigans for Christ's sake! That's birth control if I've ever seen it."
Evans is currently teaching Kimberly how to drive. "It's so frustrating when I'm trying to learn how to drive and she keeps telling me to pull over so she can 'flash her hooters' at some young guys. No one wants to see that s*%#." Evans was once arrested for public nudity when a person she flashed was a minor. "He looked like a spry 20-year-old. I'm no pervert," Evans said with a huff. "My husband bailed me out of jail and I paid a fine, whoop-de-doo." Evans has even been alleged to have had several affairs with teenage boys that go to her daughters' school. "It's disgusting, they all say that they've 'tapped my mom', and that would normally be a really dumb joke, but I honestly believe them. She's a flat out skank," said Rebecca.
When I asked Evans why she preferred the word "sexy" over "beautiful" she broke it down: "Look, I've pushed three kids out, all I want is a bit of sexy put back into my daily life. Is that so much to ask for? To get the sexual attention of every male in the greater Oakland area? I think not. I'm a simple woman with simple wishes: to be HOT." She named Anna Nicole Smith, Kim Kardashian, and Jenna Jameson as her role models. "They knew how to be hoe-ish without completely giving up their dignity. I'm still in the learning process-I've given up my dignity, and I mean all of it, so now I just have to reel some of it back it...if possible."
Stuart Evans, Patti Evans' husband, said he made the switch from "beautiful" to "sexy" years ago. "I learned a long time ago that Patti has a penchant for naughty things such as erotic literature, spankings, and even jacuzzis, so when she said to stop it with the 'beautiful' talk I listened. I'm a great listener, and I'm always here for her. Literally, I'm always at home, waiting for her," Evans said with a sob. "I just want her to come home."
Friday, April 13, 2012
Sexting is the Number One Way to Contract an STD, Experts Say
Sexting has quickly grown to the number one cause of STD transmission, experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said. "It's an increasing concern for us, because the prevalence of said activity is increasing rapidly with all of the new smart phones with cameras and vibration capabilities," Linda Garner, the leading researcher on sexting said. "It's practically an epidemic."
"Well, I sext because it's a fun distraction during class. I get bored so I decide to type up horny thoughts and send them to this guy I'm kind of seeing," said Alexis Rogers, a Sophomore at Iowa State University. "And when I'm tired of studying at home, I take a shot of tequila and take naked pics. It's funny because it's scandalous!"
What many young college students don't understand, is that this habit is leading to health risks and concerns. Several new cases of chlamydia, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and HIV have been sprouting up all over the country. They're concentrated in college towns, but it's spreading through other communities as well. "We're seeing a lot of older adults, you know, middle aged, partaking in this activity because they think it's a fun way to be young again without much risk, but symptoms typically start to show up after one or two sexting encounters, and they're left scratching their heads, or their...you know whats," Garner said.
The new outbreak has inspired a new wave of sex education videos and articles from the Center of Disease Control and Prevention. "A lot of people are catching these sexually transmitted diseases unawares, and our job is to inform them, so they can make educated decisions about their health," Dr. Grant Turner, a colleague of Garner's said. "That's why we've created this new miniseries with catchy names to get college students', and even high school students', attention."
Some of the video names include: "Drop that Phone! How Sexting Can Get You Into a 'Sticky Situation'", "Multiple Sexting Partners? You May Be Texting Them For a Different Reason Next Time", and, "Got an Itch? Well, You're S#*t Out of Luck". Dr. Turner is hopeful that these videos will help to inform, but also to scare people away from the idea of sexting. "It's an awful habit, I want it obliterated. I really hope that everyone learns to abstain....You don't even get to touch the other person! Bollocks."
Garner says there are ways to sext safely however. "Even though Dr. Turner would prefer to see it abolished completely, and there are several others similar to him, most of us at the Center of Disease Control and Prevention understand that it's unlikely to be completely wiped out." The CDC is planning on launching a line of "Keyboard Condoms" to place over the keyboard of a phone. Garner explained, "It reduces the actual physical contact with the sexual words. We find verbs are the most common carriers of STDs, so if you plan on using a lot of verbs, slip on a Keyboard Condom and you're all set to go." They're also introducing a line of lubricants to reduce finger chafing and increase typing speed in users of the Keyboard Condom. "It's about having fun, not contracting diseases, so we're helping the folks out there that want a satisfying, safe ride. Enjoy!"
"Well, I sext because it's a fun distraction during class. I get bored so I decide to type up horny thoughts and send them to this guy I'm kind of seeing," said Alexis Rogers, a Sophomore at Iowa State University. "And when I'm tired of studying at home, I take a shot of tequila and take naked pics. It's funny because it's scandalous!"
What many young college students don't understand, is that this habit is leading to health risks and concerns. Several new cases of chlamydia, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and HIV have been sprouting up all over the country. They're concentrated in college towns, but it's spreading through other communities as well. "We're seeing a lot of older adults, you know, middle aged, partaking in this activity because they think it's a fun way to be young again without much risk, but symptoms typically start to show up after one or two sexting encounters, and they're left scratching their heads, or their...you know whats," Garner said.
The new outbreak has inspired a new wave of sex education videos and articles from the Center of Disease Control and Prevention. "A lot of people are catching these sexually transmitted diseases unawares, and our job is to inform them, so they can make educated decisions about their health," Dr. Grant Turner, a colleague of Garner's said. "That's why we've created this new miniseries with catchy names to get college students', and even high school students', attention."
Some of the video names include: "Drop that Phone! How Sexting Can Get You Into a 'Sticky Situation'", "Multiple Sexting Partners? You May Be Texting Them For a Different Reason Next Time", and, "Got an Itch? Well, You're S#*t Out of Luck". Dr. Turner is hopeful that these videos will help to inform, but also to scare people away from the idea of sexting. "It's an awful habit, I want it obliterated. I really hope that everyone learns to abstain....You don't even get to touch the other person! Bollocks."
Garner says there are ways to sext safely however. "Even though Dr. Turner would prefer to see it abolished completely, and there are several others similar to him, most of us at the Center of Disease Control and Prevention understand that it's unlikely to be completely wiped out." The CDC is planning on launching a line of "Keyboard Condoms" to place over the keyboard of a phone. Garner explained, "It reduces the actual physical contact with the sexual words. We find verbs are the most common carriers of STDs, so if you plan on using a lot of verbs, slip on a Keyboard Condom and you're all set to go." They're also introducing a line of lubricants to reduce finger chafing and increase typing speed in users of the Keyboard Condom. "It's about having fun, not contracting diseases, so we're helping the folks out there that want a satisfying, safe ride. Enjoy!"
Friday, March 30, 2012
Area Woman Tricked by Condom Myth
Flagstaff, Texas- Recent mother of twins Bailey Hunter, 22, conceived her children when the father said that he "couldn't feel it" when he wore a condom during intercourse. "Hell yeah I believed him, it is a tricky little rubber thing, I didn't want to make him feel left out, the poor thing," said Bailey. "He's got those big sad eyes, I couldn't see him cry."
Much to Bailey's surprise, this is a myth. We caught up with the father, who wants to remain anonymous, and asked him to comment on the difference between wearing a condom versus not wearing one. "There's a slight difference I guess, I probably just told her that because I didn't want to have to go get one....Who is this girl you're talking about again?" When informed of Bailey's condition, the father bolted into the nearby woods, never to be seen again.
Bailey was not on birth control when she became pregnant. "I don't want no doctors touching me, and I'd have to get a prescription for them little pills. I probably wouldn't remember to take them anyways," Bailey said with a laugh.
Upon asking if she was in the habit of having unprotected sex, Bailey said, "Well shoot, I thought I smoked and drank too much to get preggers. Guess I was wrong!" Her twins, Veronica and Peter, started crying and she shouted for them to "shut their yappers." "I shouldn't be a momma, but the Lord gave 'em to me, so I should put up with them."
We conducted a survey of women ages 16 to 25 to see how many women actually made concessions similar to Bailey's when deciding whether or not to use a condom. A majority, 65%, said they had given similar leeway to men in the past, and an overwhelming majority, 99%, of this group have conceived as a result of this decision.
There are many other myths that have permeated the market, such as, "I can't get an erection with a condom," "My balls fall off if I wear a condom," and "A black hole opens up within the earth's core and everyone you love falls into a fiery pit of doom...if I wear a condom." The National Institute of Health has stated that all of these statements are false, and if believed will mostly likely result in pregnancy, a sexually transmitted disease, or a skin rash from stray semen.
To further awareness, many college campuses have created slogans such as, "Rubber or No Dice Brother," "Wrap it or Slap it," and "I Condemn You Without a Condom." These are often sold in campus bookstores on everything from bumper stickers, wristbands, hats, t-shirts, flags, notebooks, and yup, you guessed it-condoms.
Much to Bailey's surprise, this is a myth. We caught up with the father, who wants to remain anonymous, and asked him to comment on the difference between wearing a condom versus not wearing one. "There's a slight difference I guess, I probably just told her that because I didn't want to have to go get one....Who is this girl you're talking about again?" When informed of Bailey's condition, the father bolted into the nearby woods, never to be seen again.
Bailey was not on birth control when she became pregnant. "I don't want no doctors touching me, and I'd have to get a prescription for them little pills. I probably wouldn't remember to take them anyways," Bailey said with a laugh.
Upon asking if she was in the habit of having unprotected sex, Bailey said, "Well shoot, I thought I smoked and drank too much to get preggers. Guess I was wrong!" Her twins, Veronica and Peter, started crying and she shouted for them to "shut their yappers." "I shouldn't be a momma, but the Lord gave 'em to me, so I should put up with them."
We conducted a survey of women ages 16 to 25 to see how many women actually made concessions similar to Bailey's when deciding whether or not to use a condom. A majority, 65%, said they had given similar leeway to men in the past, and an overwhelming majority, 99%, of this group have conceived as a result of this decision.
There are many other myths that have permeated the market, such as, "I can't get an erection with a condom," "My balls fall off if I wear a condom," and "A black hole opens up within the earth's core and everyone you love falls into a fiery pit of doom...if I wear a condom." The National Institute of Health has stated that all of these statements are false, and if believed will mostly likely result in pregnancy, a sexually transmitted disease, or a skin rash from stray semen.
To further awareness, many college campuses have created slogans such as, "Rubber or No Dice Brother," "Wrap it or Slap it," and "I Condemn You Without a Condom." These are often sold in campus bookstores on everything from bumper stickers, wristbands, hats, t-shirts, flags, notebooks, and yup, you guessed it-condoms.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Happy Little Lecherous Leprechaun Day!
My views (and obviously The Onion's) on St. Patty's Day celebrations in the US of A.
Stere O' typin'
I'm Irish....I promise.
P.S. If a little ginger bearded man pops out of a forest and tells you to follow him to his "magic pot o' gold" just say, "No thank you," and go on your merry way.
Stere O' typin'
I'm Irish....I promise.
P.S. If a little ginger bearded man pops out of a forest and tells you to follow him to his "magic pot o' gold" just say, "No thank you," and go on your merry way.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
It's Sad, But True
This is the way elections are settled now, I can't wait to get out my brass knuckles for the general election in November. I'm not about to let some rat bastard take down my president with one sucker punch.
http://www.theonion.com/video/romney-santorum-supporters-to-beat-living-shit-out,27633/
http://www.theonion.com/video/romney-santorum-supporters-to-beat-living-shit-out,27633/
Friday, March 9, 2012
White Boy Who Says "Jigga" Still Being Offensive
TIPTON, Oh.- Tipton native and self-proclaimed "whigger", Corey Banks is still being a piece of rubbish when saying the word "jigga" in place of the highly offensive n-word.
"Nah homes, I can't get slapped for that. I didn't put no 'n' at the front, it's cool," Banks said. But it's widely known in his hometown and the national community that he's still a disrespecting, racist fool. "He's gonna get hurt saying that word some day, and I'm gonna laugh," said his best friend Gerard Truman. "I love watching an a$$ beating."
When I spoke with some local African Americans about Banks' use of the word, one of them, Thomas Dungan said, "How could he be so ignorant to think that one letter means he's changed the meaning? He knows very well what that word means, I know what that word means, so I don't use it-none of my black friends do, because it's disrespectful. It's a shame that a white man is trying to covet a black man's society, and is doing so by insulting our entire race. Homeboy needs to go home and play some video games." A small crowd had gathered and promptly applauded after Dungan's speech. They then proceeded to put him on the shoulders of a large man and march to the center of town chanting their praise.
My interview with Dungan abruptly concluded, I went to speak with a perplexed Mrs. Banks. "You're going to have to explain to me what a 'jigga' is. I've tried asking my son, but he mumbles and tells me to 'f*%k off'," she said mid-laugh. "He's just so silly, 'jigga' this, 'jigga' that, 'ey jigga, when we throwing a kegger in this piece?' It never gets old." When told the translation of all the gems her son Corey had been saying, such as, 'superman dat hoe,' and 'getting dome,' she was silent and could not avert her eyes from the TV. (We quietly left out the back door and called the paramedics, she's still under bed rest, but has regained the power of blinking.)
Corey, confronted by all of this information, said, "Jigga, you think I give a f*%k? Now move the f*%k out of the way, you're blocking Maury!" Mr. Banks could be heard deeply sobbing in the kitchen. He had just gotten off the phone with Mrs. Banks' doctor who said that the damage was irreversible. Mrs. Banks was diagnosed as terminally mute. When we called her for an update, all that was heard were scratches and what sounded like a faint "Jigga say what?" in the background.
"Nah homes, I can't get slapped for that. I didn't put no 'n' at the front, it's cool," Banks said. But it's widely known in his hometown and the national community that he's still a disrespecting, racist fool. "He's gonna get hurt saying that word some day, and I'm gonna laugh," said his best friend Gerard Truman. "I love watching an a$$ beating."
When I spoke with some local African Americans about Banks' use of the word, one of them, Thomas Dungan said, "How could he be so ignorant to think that one letter means he's changed the meaning? He knows very well what that word means, I know what that word means, so I don't use it-none of my black friends do, because it's disrespectful. It's a shame that a white man is trying to covet a black man's society, and is doing so by insulting our entire race. Homeboy needs to go home and play some video games." A small crowd had gathered and promptly applauded after Dungan's speech. They then proceeded to put him on the shoulders of a large man and march to the center of town chanting their praise.
My interview with Dungan abruptly concluded, I went to speak with a perplexed Mrs. Banks. "You're going to have to explain to me what a 'jigga' is. I've tried asking my son, but he mumbles and tells me to 'f*%k off'," she said mid-laugh. "He's just so silly, 'jigga' this, 'jigga' that, 'ey jigga, when we throwing a kegger in this piece?' It never gets old." When told the translation of all the gems her son Corey had been saying, such as, 'superman dat hoe,' and 'getting dome,' she was silent and could not avert her eyes from the TV. (We quietly left out the back door and called the paramedics, she's still under bed rest, but has regained the power of blinking.)
Corey, confronted by all of this information, said, "Jigga, you think I give a f*%k? Now move the f*%k out of the way, you're blocking Maury!" Mr. Banks could be heard deeply sobbing in the kitchen. He had just gotten off the phone with Mrs. Banks' doctor who said that the damage was irreversible. Mrs. Banks was diagnosed as terminally mute. When we called her for an update, all that was heard were scratches and what sounded like a faint "Jigga say what?" in the background.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wife and Mother of Two Reserves Right to Begrudge Valentine's Day
FULTON, Mo.- Happily married mother of two Nicole Samson still looks upon Valentine's Day as the bane of her existence. Nicole, 38, has mourned the holiday ever since Billy Johnson publicly refused her Valentine in the fifth grade.
"I don't understand her ailment," Hank Samson, Nicole's husband said. "When we first met in June of 1994 she was happy as a bug. Always enjoying our dates and getting me presents for no reason other than she loved me...Our courtship almost turned sour when I attempted to take her out for a nice Valentine's dinner the following year. She slapped me so hard I lost vision in my right eye for five hours!"
Nicole's parents have also noticed this trend. "I tried to tell her that Billy Johnson was a nobody, and that she shouldn't concern herself with his attitude. 'Plenty of fish in the sea,' her father said. But she wouldn't listen. She's ornery, that one," Susan Gomery, Nicole's mother said. "She won't even accept presents from us. She flat out refuses to speak to anyone. If Hank has to work we have to watch the children because she utterly neglects them on this the day of Love," Artie Gomery said sorrowfully of his daughter.
Aside from being watched by their grandparents, Nicole and Hank's children, Danielle, 5, and Ethan, 8, are deeply affected by their mother's depression. Hank said it is common of her to lock herself away in her bedroom with copious amounts of ice cream and chocolates, all of which she consumes herself in a frantic and unhealthy fashion. She often screams obscenities at romance movies and cries bloody murder while pounding her head against the south-facing wall of the room. Any attempt at communication with her is hopeless. "If she directly responds to anyone at all it's usually a demand for them to go to H-E-double hockey sticks. No, she's best to be left alone on the 14th," Hank says with obvious distress.
A neighbor told us that last year they heard the wailings of Nicole Samson through their own residence's walls. "It was unbearable, (the noise is) worse than any party the Nilson's throw on a football weekend. Those poor, wretched children," neighbor Monique Anders said.
"I don't understand her ailment," Hank Samson, Nicole's husband said. "When we first met in June of 1994 she was happy as a bug. Always enjoying our dates and getting me presents for no reason other than she loved me...Our courtship almost turned sour when I attempted to take her out for a nice Valentine's dinner the following year. She slapped me so hard I lost vision in my right eye for five hours!"
Nicole's parents have also noticed this trend. "I tried to tell her that Billy Johnson was a nobody, and that she shouldn't concern herself with his attitude. 'Plenty of fish in the sea,' her father said. But she wouldn't listen. She's ornery, that one," Susan Gomery, Nicole's mother said. "She won't even accept presents from us. She flat out refuses to speak to anyone. If Hank has to work we have to watch the children because she utterly neglects them on this the day of Love," Artie Gomery said sorrowfully of his daughter.
Aside from being watched by their grandparents, Nicole and Hank's children, Danielle, 5, and Ethan, 8, are deeply affected by their mother's depression. Hank said it is common of her to lock herself away in her bedroom with copious amounts of ice cream and chocolates, all of which she consumes herself in a frantic and unhealthy fashion. She often screams obscenities at romance movies and cries bloody murder while pounding her head against the south-facing wall of the room. Any attempt at communication with her is hopeless. "If she directly responds to anyone at all it's usually a demand for them to go to H-E-double hockey sticks. No, she's best to be left alone on the 14th," Hank says with obvious distress.
A neighbor told us that last year they heard the wailings of Nicole Samson through their own residence's walls. "It was unbearable, (the noise is) worse than any party the Nilson's throw on a football weekend. Those poor, wretched children," neighbor Monique Anders said.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Nebraskan Man Who Paid with $100 Bill Is Not Actually a Pimp
FRIEND, Ne.- Gabe Wedemeyer created a stir Tuesday night when he paid for a $2 cheeseburger with a $100 bill at the local Frankie J's diner.
Whispers immediately penetrated the small 15-by-20 room when he thumbed through his wallet, passing several smaller bills, and whipped out a Benjamin. "We don't see that too often," said Frankie Jameson, the owner. "It was damn near offensive, as if he thought he was too big of a man for a $5, or even a $20 dollar bill."
"I've never seen one in person before," Jimmie Schuck, 14, said. "I've only heard of 'em and seen them in movies."
Many people thought he looked like "an outsider" and was perhaps from "the city". "I don't like city-folk coming in here. They think they've got the lay of the land just by stopping in at a burger joint and picking up a good ol' fashioned sandwich for the road. That just ain't the way it works," said local Barbara Robins.
Some people even went as far as to say Wedemeyer looked like a criminal, or a "hustler". Another even called him a pimp. "I just don't like that type in here. I know he didn't bring his hoes or his duped up caddy," Leland Banks, a local said, "But it's about a man's stance, or 'swagger' as they call it up in Lincoln. He just gave a sex-soliciting vibe."
"I work as an accountant out of Omaha," said Wedemeyer. "I'm on my way to visit my sister in Scottsbluff. I've been coming through this very diner twice a year for the past 10 years. I love its character," Wedemeyer said with an appreciative glance around. "And the burgers are to die for," he added.
When asked whether he knew the locals had such notions about his character, he said, "I knew that they realized I was from a larger city, but dear god, I never knew that they thought I was a-a-a pimp!"
Wedemeyer has vowed never to return to Frankie J's Diner in Friend Nebraska, to which all of the locals sighed a collective sigh of relief. "I'm happy he's gone, I don't bode well with woman-haters," owner Frankie Jameson said.
Whispers immediately penetrated the small 15-by-20 room when he thumbed through his wallet, passing several smaller bills, and whipped out a Benjamin. "We don't see that too often," said Frankie Jameson, the owner. "It was damn near offensive, as if he thought he was too big of a man for a $5, or even a $20 dollar bill."
"I've never seen one in person before," Jimmie Schuck, 14, said. "I've only heard of 'em and seen them in movies."
Many people thought he looked like "an outsider" and was perhaps from "the city". "I don't like city-folk coming in here. They think they've got the lay of the land just by stopping in at a burger joint and picking up a good ol' fashioned sandwich for the road. That just ain't the way it works," said local Barbara Robins.
Some people even went as far as to say Wedemeyer looked like a criminal, or a "hustler". Another even called him a pimp. "I just don't like that type in here. I know he didn't bring his hoes or his duped up caddy," Leland Banks, a local said, "But it's about a man's stance, or 'swagger' as they call it up in Lincoln. He just gave a sex-soliciting vibe."
"I work as an accountant out of Omaha," said Wedemeyer. "I'm on my way to visit my sister in Scottsbluff. I've been coming through this very diner twice a year for the past 10 years. I love its character," Wedemeyer said with an appreciative glance around. "And the burgers are to die for," he added.
When asked whether he knew the locals had such notions about his character, he said, "I knew that they realized I was from a larger city, but dear god, I never knew that they thought I was a-a-a pimp!"
Wedemeyer has vowed never to return to Frankie J's Diner in Friend Nebraska, to which all of the locals sighed a collective sigh of relief. "I'm happy he's gone, I don't bode well with woman-haters," owner Frankie Jameson said.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Holiday Cheer Coaxes Man Off Ledge
LOS ANGELES- A 56-year-old man climbed to the top of his apartment building in downtown Los Angeles Friday evening after receiving divorce papers from his wife of 32 years.
Rick Fisher stole his building's janitor keys and made his way to the stairwell leading to the locked roof at approximately 6:30 P.M. on Friday immediately after his wife Theresa's lawyer served him with divorce papers. "He looked violently sick all of the sudden," Victor Cosgrove, Theresa Fisher's lawyer said. "I wish he would have ran to the bathroom instead."
"It's not like it was totally out of left field," Theresa Fisher said. "He had it coming after he put up that kitten poster in the den. One word, freak-y."
Upon reaching the top of the stairs, Fisher used the stolen keys to open the door to the roof. He was spotted by pedestrians on the street below who claimed that he immediately ripped his t-shirt off in a "haphazard" way while falling to his knees with a look of "pure agony" on his face. "I thought he had been shot," said Monica Cortez, a pedestrian. "People don't fall over like that without a bullet passing through them."
Fisher was then heard screaming obscenities and crying endlessly. By approximately 6:45 P.M. his actions had drawn a crowd and the authorities had been notified and were waiting on the street at the base of his building. His wife Theresa arrived to try and persuade him to come down by saying that she still loved him, to which he resolutely shouted, "You don't know what love is!"
A stunned crowd expected the worst. "He should have jumped by now, just get it over with so the police can clean up the street before the 9:00 rush comes on tonight," said Tom Roberts, a bystander.
All had almost given up hope of ever retrieving Fisher alive when some Christmas carolers rounded the corner of Park St. and Timber Ave. singing songs of cheer. They started by singing classics such as "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and "Jingle Bells" before moving on to more contemporary interpretations in the country and rock genres.
"It was as if a cloud opened up and revealed God's sweet glory," Miranda Hayworth, an onlooker said. "With all of the children in cute holiday dresses and Santa sweaters with jingle bells on them. It certainly made me appreciate life more."
Theresa Fisher, who was on top of the building with her husband at the time, noticed a change in his demeanor almost immediately. "I don't know how it happened, but he slowly stood up and started to sing with the carolers. -Out of tune of course, but he didn't give a damn. It was as if he were in a trance. The only time he broke his gaze was when I tried to say something to him. He turned around slowly and said in the sweetest tone to 'put a cork in it'. I didn't care what happened to him after that!"
Fisher slowly but surely made his way to the stairs, (to some applause), and immediately went to his car to go to Home Depot to get "those Christmas lights he had been meaning to put up for over three weeks."
He has been shut in his apartment ever since wrapped in Christmas sweaters that don't match the magnitude of his newfound holiday cheer. Fisher's said to only come out of his residence to purchase more eggnog and donate money to the bell ringers of the Salvation Army.
Rick Fisher stole his building's janitor keys and made his way to the stairwell leading to the locked roof at approximately 6:30 P.M. on Friday immediately after his wife Theresa's lawyer served him with divorce papers. "He looked violently sick all of the sudden," Victor Cosgrove, Theresa Fisher's lawyer said. "I wish he would have ran to the bathroom instead."
"It's not like it was totally out of left field," Theresa Fisher said. "He had it coming after he put up that kitten poster in the den. One word, freak-y."
Upon reaching the top of the stairs, Fisher used the stolen keys to open the door to the roof. He was spotted by pedestrians on the street below who claimed that he immediately ripped his t-shirt off in a "haphazard" way while falling to his knees with a look of "pure agony" on his face. "I thought he had been shot," said Monica Cortez, a pedestrian. "People don't fall over like that without a bullet passing through them."
Fisher was then heard screaming obscenities and crying endlessly. By approximately 6:45 P.M. his actions had drawn a crowd and the authorities had been notified and were waiting on the street at the base of his building. His wife Theresa arrived to try and persuade him to come down by saying that she still loved him, to which he resolutely shouted, "You don't know what love is!"
A stunned crowd expected the worst. "He should have jumped by now, just get it over with so the police can clean up the street before the 9:00 rush comes on tonight," said Tom Roberts, a bystander.
All had almost given up hope of ever retrieving Fisher alive when some Christmas carolers rounded the corner of Park St. and Timber Ave. singing songs of cheer. They started by singing classics such as "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and "Jingle Bells" before moving on to more contemporary interpretations in the country and rock genres.
"It was as if a cloud opened up and revealed God's sweet glory," Miranda Hayworth, an onlooker said. "With all of the children in cute holiday dresses and Santa sweaters with jingle bells on them. It certainly made me appreciate life more."
Theresa Fisher, who was on top of the building with her husband at the time, noticed a change in his demeanor almost immediately. "I don't know how it happened, but he slowly stood up and started to sing with the carolers. -Out of tune of course, but he didn't give a damn. It was as if he were in a trance. The only time he broke his gaze was when I tried to say something to him. He turned around slowly and said in the sweetest tone to 'put a cork in it'. I didn't care what happened to him after that!"
Fisher slowly but surely made his way to the stairs, (to some applause), and immediately went to his car to go to Home Depot to get "those Christmas lights he had been meaning to put up for over three weeks."
He has been shut in his apartment ever since wrapped in Christmas sweaters that don't match the magnitude of his newfound holiday cheer. Fisher's said to only come out of his residence to purchase more eggnog and donate money to the bell ringers of the Salvation Army.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Vermin Supreme: Excellent Political Satire, Or Looney Old Man?
I literally laughed out loud, so clever.http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=4d_FvgQ1csE
"I am a friendly facist, I am a tyrant that you should trust, and you should let me run your life because I do know what is best for you."
"I am a friendly facist, I am a tyrant that you should trust, and you should let me run your life because I do know what is best for you."
Politician Makes a Bold Move by Promoting a "Family First" Image of Himself
BOSTON- In an unexpected move, Mitt Romney, a candidate for the GOP ticket for the presidency, has released ads promoting himself as a family man, an idea that has bewildered the political arena surrounding Washington D.C. Romney's competitors have expressed great remorse about not having thought of the campaign tool Romney has employed themselves. "I never would have thought to tell people I care about my family, not that I particularly do, but it would have been worth considering taking some photos with my godforsaken husband and devilish children," said Michele Bachmann.
"Why can't it be good campaign strategy to love the ladies? Family first, yadda yadda, everyone knows they like a little honey, I'm just more open about it," said Herman Cain.
When Rick Perry was asked to comment on what he thought of Romney's new campaign strategy he replied between bites of Al's famous ribs, "My focus is on the queers and God's hatred of them. My state appreciates that, and I'm not about changing a horse midstream. Also, I think it's important to say the U-S-of A is the best damned country out there, and we need a president that thinks so. I'm counting on my God-fearing people of the South to support me on these issues and place my rear in the Oval Office." After some moments of pause, Rick Perry wiped Al's famous barbecue sauce from his lips and said, "And Mitt Romney can suck it."
The ads consist of pictures of Romney with his family from many different years and slogans describing Romney as a caring and devoted husband and father. His wife, Ann, has taken a large role in this campaign strategy by describing the "softer side" of Mitt Romney. She describes him as silly and warm hearted and a lot of other words that would normally demean a man in a position of power, but have strangely had a positive effect on Romney's popularity. "I find him to be a much nicer man than any of the other candidates," said 56-year-old Rosamund Yates of Tampa, Florida. "I used to vote democratic, but since he's such a kind person I'm going to vote for him in hopes he makes it to the White House. His wife sure is lucky."
Even men are having similar thoughts about Mr. Romney. "I think a real man is someone who provides for his family, and he seems to do a good job. If he can provide for his family, he can provide for the nation," said 72-year-old Jacob Hill. "He's got my vote now, especially compared to those other hoo-haws running that can't seem to keep it in their pants. Disgraceful," Hill said shaking his head.
The polls show that since his new advertisements about family values were released, Romney has jumped seven percent in polls, which has made the other candidates quiver in their boots. "We have reason to be worried, but damn it if I don't win the presidency just because he's never had the indescribable pleasure of a prostitute's company," said a disgruntled looking Newt Gingrich.
"Why can't it be good campaign strategy to love the ladies? Family first, yadda yadda, everyone knows they like a little honey, I'm just more open about it," said Herman Cain.
When Rick Perry was asked to comment on what he thought of Romney's new campaign strategy he replied between bites of Al's famous ribs, "My focus is on the queers and God's hatred of them. My state appreciates that, and I'm not about changing a horse midstream. Also, I think it's important to say the U-S-of A is the best damned country out there, and we need a president that thinks so. I'm counting on my God-fearing people of the South to support me on these issues and place my rear in the Oval Office." After some moments of pause, Rick Perry wiped Al's famous barbecue sauce from his lips and said, "And Mitt Romney can suck it."
The ads consist of pictures of Romney with his family from many different years and slogans describing Romney as a caring and devoted husband and father. His wife, Ann, has taken a large role in this campaign strategy by describing the "softer side" of Mitt Romney. She describes him as silly and warm hearted and a lot of other words that would normally demean a man in a position of power, but have strangely had a positive effect on Romney's popularity. "I find him to be a much nicer man than any of the other candidates," said 56-year-old Rosamund Yates of Tampa, Florida. "I used to vote democratic, but since he's such a kind person I'm going to vote for him in hopes he makes it to the White House. His wife sure is lucky."
Even men are having similar thoughts about Mr. Romney. "I think a real man is someone who provides for his family, and he seems to do a good job. If he can provide for his family, he can provide for the nation," said 72-year-old Jacob Hill. "He's got my vote now, especially compared to those other hoo-haws running that can't seem to keep it in their pants. Disgraceful," Hill said shaking his head.
The polls show that since his new advertisements about family values were released, Romney has jumped seven percent in polls, which has made the other candidates quiver in their boots. "We have reason to be worried, but damn it if I don't win the presidency just because he's never had the indescribable pleasure of a prostitute's company," said a disgruntled looking Newt Gingrich.
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