OAKLAND-Mother of three, Patti Evans despises the term "beautiful". She prefers to be called a "red-hot mama" or when she's feeling particularly randy, "sexed up sleaze bag." She can be found slutting up the grocery store aisles, stripping at Sunday brunch, and being just plain crude at family dinner.
"She's really embarrassing," her son James, 13, said. "She's like 40. When she flaps her arms around they jiggle." Her two daughters, Rebecca, 18, and Kimberly, 15, both think she's lost it. "It has to be a mid life crisis," Rebecca said. "She wears khakis and cardigans for Christ's sake! That's birth control if I've ever seen it."
Evans is currently teaching Kimberly how to drive. "It's so frustrating when I'm trying to learn how to drive and she keeps telling me to pull over so she can 'flash her hooters' at some young guys. No one wants to see that s*%#." Evans was once arrested for public nudity when a person she flashed was a minor. "He looked like a spry 20-year-old. I'm no pervert," Evans said with a huff. "My husband bailed me out of jail and I paid a fine, whoop-de-doo." Evans has even been alleged to have had several affairs with teenage boys that go to her daughters' school. "It's disgusting, they all say that they've 'tapped my mom', and that would normally be a really dumb joke, but I honestly believe them. She's a flat out skank," said Rebecca.
When I asked Evans why she preferred the word "sexy" over "beautiful" she broke it down: "Look, I've pushed three kids out, all I want is a bit of sexy put back into my daily life. Is that so much to ask for? To get the sexual attention of every male in the greater Oakland area? I think not. I'm a simple woman with simple wishes: to be HOT." She named Anna Nicole Smith, Kim Kardashian, and Jenna Jameson as her role models. "They knew how to be hoe-ish without completely giving up their dignity. I'm still in the learning process-I've given up my dignity, and I mean all of it, so now I just have to reel some of it back it...if possible."
Stuart Evans, Patti Evans' husband, said he made the switch from "beautiful" to "sexy" years ago. "I learned a long time ago that Patti has a penchant for naughty things such as erotic literature, spankings, and even jacuzzis, so when she said to stop it with the 'beautiful' talk I listened. I'm a great listener, and I'm always here for her. Literally, I'm always at home, waiting for her," Evans said with a sob. "I just want her to come home."
