Wednesday, August 29, 2012
CREATURES SPOTLIGHT
Sunday, August 26, 2012
"We Actually Wouldn't Do A Damn Thing For a Klondike Bar," Says Nation.
United States- Recent polls show that the average American, "wouldn't do a damn thing for a Klondike bar," an ice cream dessert covered in a hard chocolate shell. The Klondike company has invested millions of dollars in advertising for the dessert, with a jingle asking the viewers what they would do for a Klondike bar, implying that some would do monstrous or extreme acts to have at the treat.
"They're nothing special. Not worth the calories," said yoga instructor Kathy Hamilton. "I'd rather have a rice cake."
Hamilton isn't alone either, in our online questionnaire 200 million people voted. Two of them checked the choice that they would do "ANYTHING" for a Klondike bar, while the overwhelming majority checked, "Ehhhhhhhhhhh.....nah."
"It's ridiculous, you stick a jingle on something and supposedly it's factual," said Christopher Palmer of Los Angeles, California. "But lemme tell you, if one more person makes the joke that they'd kill for one, I'm going to jock some hoes. That's sick, and plain falsehood. No one would ever kill for one of those plain Janes."
In addition to our online questionnaire, our research team knocked on the house of every American with an address in the entire continental United States. Door after door, and the team had the most conclusive results of any survey they've completed: No one likes the damn things.
"It's decent I suppose, but give up another treat in favor...I can't even finish that sentence, it's just not right," said Loretta Taylor of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.
When asked to comment, Klondike said, "We'll try to refocus our campaign to provide a more accurate picture of our product. We wouldn't want to lie to the consumer, now would we?" said a twitchy Head of Marketing, Janis Eckles.
Klondike's creative team is coming up with new slogans such as, "We're the snack you tolerate to death," and "We have excellent packaging, don't you agree?" But Klondike insists that these are just ideas and they're open to new ones, from just about anyone.
"They're nothing special. Not worth the calories," said yoga instructor Kathy Hamilton. "I'd rather have a rice cake."
Hamilton isn't alone either, in our online questionnaire 200 million people voted. Two of them checked the choice that they would do "ANYTHING" for a Klondike bar, while the overwhelming majority checked, "Ehhhhhhhhhhh.....nah."
"It's ridiculous, you stick a jingle on something and supposedly it's factual," said Christopher Palmer of Los Angeles, California. "But lemme tell you, if one more person makes the joke that they'd kill for one, I'm going to jock some hoes. That's sick, and plain falsehood. No one would ever kill for one of those plain Janes."
In addition to our online questionnaire, our research team knocked on the house of every American with an address in the entire continental United States. Door after door, and the team had the most conclusive results of any survey they've completed: No one likes the damn things.
"It's decent I suppose, but give up another treat in favor...I can't even finish that sentence, it's just not right," said Loretta Taylor of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.
When asked to comment, Klondike said, "We'll try to refocus our campaign to provide a more accurate picture of our product. We wouldn't want to lie to the consumer, now would we?" said a twitchy Head of Marketing, Janis Eckles.
Klondike's creative team is coming up with new slogans such as, "We're the snack you tolerate to death," and "We have excellent packaging, don't you agree?" But Klondike insists that these are just ideas and they're open to new ones, from just about anyone.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Area Professor Knows He's All-Knowing, Because He Knows Stuff Like That
BOSTON- A professor at a local university has knowledge of his god-like capabilities. "I'm quite accurate in my understandings, I would actually take the 'quite' out of that sentence and just say, 'Trust me, I know all,'" said Professor Frederick Abendroth. He has said to his many classes that he knows how many of them will fail not only his class, but in life. He then leads a procession around the room, either somberly offering his hand to be kissed, or gravely shaking his head at those he deems unfortunate.
"I was warned about his god-complex," said junior Melissa Casey. "I thought that meant that he was arrogant, which I suppose he is, but it's way beyond that. The man actually believes he is God," Casey shook her head. "How do you pass that test?"
Over Abendroth's 30 years of teaching, only 10 percent have passed his class. The other 90 percent have made appeals to the dean and the chancellor, but all have been denied credit for the course or to have it removed from their record. "It's not fair, the higher-ups at the university are terrified of this man. If any other professor had such a failure rate among their students, they'd be gone in no time. But that old man is still here after 30 years," said senior Thomas Whitford.
"I deny any so called 'fear' that I have for Abendroth," said Chancellor Thompson. "I think he's a marvelous professor with a, uh, unique set of skills. It's preposterous to think I would put students' educations at risk just because of a silly fear I may or may not have for this, beast of a human being."
Dean Hammersmark also denied having a fear of Abendroth, but concluded his interview by whispering, "Well the man does have a presence about him, doesn't he? I think I've seen him fly a few times."
The art school at the university has also noticed some curious things about Professor Abendroth. Each semester the freshman are told stories about Abendroth and then told to make artwork that reflects their perceptions of the 80-year-old, white bearded man. "We're encouraged to follow him around, see if he does any ethereal trickery, like flying, turning water into wine, or just gazing at the stars as if he knows something," said freshman Billy Vans. The photography students especially like to visit him at night and see if his skin gives off an angelic glow. "It makes for a great long-exposure snapshot. We've had a couple close encounters, but I think he senses the camera and hides himself," said sophomore photography student Jamie Brussel.
The stories and rumors surrounding Professor Abendroth encase his classroom as well. Students rarely raise their hands, never seek one-on-ones, and never contest a grade. Upon sitting in his classroom one would think you were in a church. No one speaks upon entering the classroom, and some students have taken to praying outside the door and sprinkling themselves with holy water. "If this man truly is God, then I'm going to go to every length to not offend him with my presence," said senior Becky Dale. "Everyone should do the same. I feel incredibly blessed to be in this sanctuary."
"I was warned about his god-complex," said junior Melissa Casey. "I thought that meant that he was arrogant, which I suppose he is, but it's way beyond that. The man actually believes he is God," Casey shook her head. "How do you pass that test?"
Over Abendroth's 30 years of teaching, only 10 percent have passed his class. The other 90 percent have made appeals to the dean and the chancellor, but all have been denied credit for the course or to have it removed from their record. "It's not fair, the higher-ups at the university are terrified of this man. If any other professor had such a failure rate among their students, they'd be gone in no time. But that old man is still here after 30 years," said senior Thomas Whitford.
"I deny any so called 'fear' that I have for Abendroth," said Chancellor Thompson. "I think he's a marvelous professor with a, uh, unique set of skills. It's preposterous to think I would put students' educations at risk just because of a silly fear I may or may not have for this, beast of a human being."
Dean Hammersmark also denied having a fear of Abendroth, but concluded his interview by whispering, "Well the man does have a presence about him, doesn't he? I think I've seen him fly a few times."
The art school at the university has also noticed some curious things about Professor Abendroth. Each semester the freshman are told stories about Abendroth and then told to make artwork that reflects their perceptions of the 80-year-old, white bearded man. "We're encouraged to follow him around, see if he does any ethereal trickery, like flying, turning water into wine, or just gazing at the stars as if he knows something," said freshman Billy Vans. The photography students especially like to visit him at night and see if his skin gives off an angelic glow. "It makes for a great long-exposure snapshot. We've had a couple close encounters, but I think he senses the camera and hides himself," said sophomore photography student Jamie Brussel.
The stories and rumors surrounding Professor Abendroth encase his classroom as well. Students rarely raise their hands, never seek one-on-ones, and never contest a grade. Upon sitting in his classroom one would think you were in a church. No one speaks upon entering the classroom, and some students have taken to praying outside the door and sprinkling themselves with holy water. "If this man truly is God, then I'm going to go to every length to not offend him with my presence," said senior Becky Dale. "Everyone should do the same. I feel incredibly blessed to be in this sanctuary."
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