Bluth to be New Romney Campaign Manager: "Yeah, I Like His Business Model" said Romney

BREAKING NEWS:

“From Whence You Came!” is the new Romney/Ryan slogan. Gob Bluth, the new campaign manager, added the phrase immediately upon receiving the job saying it would take a "defiant stand" against the "tyranny of the Obama administration"; all while enjoying a nice day of dramatics at the beach. The slogan is featured with images of Mitt Romney hurling President Obama into the sea and declaring the beach free of terrorists. Mitt Romney said he liked the idea of forcefully evacuating the president by way of ocean hurling because he believed the waters would carry him back to Kenya. “If that man is American then I’m not the president of the Bluth company,” said Gob Bluth of Barack Obama. “I mean COME ON!” 

College Students Unsure if They're Happy or Regretting that They Didn't Drink Every Time Biden Laughed

At last night's Vice Presidential debate, Joe Biden colored happy every time the adorable Congressman Ryan attempted to talk about policy or some American he helped once. Many college students around the nation reported making drinking games out of the debates, including games such as "drink every time you see a passive aggressive smile" or "drink every time you feel sad for Lady Liberty", but last night's Vice Presidential debate inspired dilemma in many young voters. "In the first couple minutes I thought the Biden smile would be a perfect thing to drink to, I mean, it's easy to spot even in an inebriated state, and it was just so infectious. The man has perfect teeth to eye ratio."

But as the debate progressed many college students that had decided to play this drinking game regretted their decision. "Murhmph, uhhhh, bllllaaagh," said one University of Alabama student after 30 minutes of the debate. Several others were unconscious after the 30 minute mark when the count of Biden smiles or jovial laughs was lost track of. A record 1227 students across the nation were hospitalized for alcohol related injuries such as alcohol poisoning, believing one could walk on water, challenging a homicidal truck driver to a fight, or having intercourse with a walking cesspool of sexually transmitted diseases. In light of this mass destruction, last night's Vice Presidential debate has been deemed the country's largest public relations disaster for an administration since the photo of Franklin D. Roosevelt picking his nose surfaced in 1944.

The college students that elected to not partake in the drinking game sat back as those around them either jumped off of buildings or slipped disgracefully into sobbing fits of shame. Some of these students were relieved, "I dodged a bullet I think," said sophomore University of Michigan student Elissa Carthidge said. "All of these sane, respectable people I thought I knew were suddenly eating their own vomit, attempting to make love to stray animals, or just plain dying. I don't want to relive prom night."

Others were fully disappointed in themselves for not joining the festivities. "I think I missed out on an essential moment in our country's history," said Dave Riley, a student at the University of Colorado. "If throwing back hard liquor in the name of preserving our fundamental right to disrespect a time-honored tradition in our legal system isn't American, then I don't know what is."

CREATURES SPOTLIGHT

This week's Creatures Spotlight is shone upon creatures of robust douchebaggery. These creatures have no skill set apart from drinking copious amounts of alcohol (without incurring damages to their gelled hair), and procreating to the extremities. If these domesticated creatures were pushed into the wild, they would survive for less than three days without shelter from the elements or a mirror. Their tanned skin is their form of camouflage; it attempts to trick others into believing that they hail from a warmer, sunnier climate, most likely mediterranean or tropical. Most are not deceived by this cloaking and it thus proves itself to be a useless means of protection from predators. This breed of destitute creatures has only survived due to their excellent means of fornication. Despite alcohol poisoning or drug overdose,  these creatures have a natural instinct to mount and thrust into the nearest living thing to their barely conscious bodies. This primal urge has saved the species and they enjoy large population growth each year.

"Ask The Audience" Option Most Popular at First Presidential Debate

Denver, Colo. -Both President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney heavily favored the "Ask the Audience" option during the first presidential debate last night at the University of Colorado. For each question that moderator Jim Lehrer posed, the candidates immediately began sweating anew and demanded to ask the audience for their opinion. This hopelessly backfired however since the audience had agreed to be silent for the duration of the debate.

Mitt Romney was seen as visibly shaken when time and time again the audience gazed back into his panic-stricken face, unable to voice their opinions. "I really wanted to help the guy out," said audience member Jimmy Hemslee. "You always have the impulse to help someone who is more hopelessly lost than Snooki in a Library... But Lehrer has eyes in the back of his head, I couldn't even mouth the simple words 'tax reform'." There was an occasional "PSSST!"from the audience directed at the candidates, but the perpetrators' seats immediately gave way to a trap door beneath them, and they were plunged into the fiery depths below for questioning.

Other members of the audience tried throwing what few objects they were allowed to bring into the auditorium at the candidates when they wanted them to simply stop speaking. "I aimed a couple bobby pins at President Obama's head when he kept bringing up that $5 trillion that Romney then kept denying," said Hilary Bates. "Back and forth, with that five figure. I came to watch a presidential debate, not a tennis match." At one point during the debate Mitt Romney had what appeared to be a small dildo thrown at his head, which did not strike him, but grazed his fantasy-inducing hair. "I don't know how they snuck that gadget in here," said Randy Emmels, head of security. "What's really surprising is that someone would purchase such a discreet toy. I wouldn't think anyone would be able to feel that."

When asked why the "ask the audience" option was relied upon more than the others, President Obama said, "I can't phone a friend, I have no idea who are my friends. I could very easily be fed wrongful answers in an attempt to make me look like a fool in front of the American people." In response to our question of whether or not he would call his wife, Michelle Obama, he said, "She could very easily be compromised. That's not paranoia speaking, it's the words of a wise commander-in-chief."

Mitt Romney said he would have preferred the 50/50 option, but seeing as there weren't any choices given, he couldn't take advantage of it. "I wish they would have told me in advance that there wasn't going to be any multiple choice," said Governor Romney. "I had heavily relied upon that in my preparation for the debate. And to think I'd have to do speaking essays in its place!" Romney changed his strategy to "ask the audience" when he came upon this realization, and plans to write his entire campaign on his arms before the next debate. "It's just like school, some old fart without authority asking me questions, and me reading answers off of my ink smudged limbs. Works every time," said a grinning Mitt Romney.

Area Psychopath Celebrates The Only Month That Makes Him Feel Normal

Springfield, Mo.- The first of October holds a special meaning for Springfield resident Mike Thackley, who self identifies as a psychopath that thirsts for human blood. The month that contains the American holiday Halloween is known for touting goblins and ghouls and all things horror, as well as encouraging children to meet strangers who seduce them with sweets. It's this type of environment that makes Thackley feel right at home.

"I've always loved Halloween and the month of October," said Thackley. "It's the only time of year that I can go out in public with my blood-stained hands and flesh suit and still be treated like a regular human being." Thackley has gone out in public in what he calls his "evening wardrobe" during other months of the year such as April and July, and has always met hostility on these occasions. "I try to get close to people, to revel in their scent, but they always yell and run away. It makes my daily trips to the playground awkward," said Thackley.

To take advantage of his short-lived acceptance, Thackley volunteers to work at the local haunted house as a sickened torturer. "He's the best actor we've ever had," said haunted house owner Timothy Grimm. "He brings his own chainsaw, and always shows up early already in his make up. He must have some kind of spray that smells like the dead for effect because whew! he smells ripe as the Bubonic Plague each shift." Co-workers describe his methods as: "sinister", "satanic", and "vomit-inducing", but they recognize the talent in his craft. "I've always admired the way he wields a scythe," said Freddy Krueger look-alike Damien Harvey. "It's so masterful, I hardly notice the weeping children lying in their own pools of blood."

Thackley likes to go to the movies during the month of October because they are filled with horror films, or what he calls, "autobiographical documentaries." Although he insists that the ones that rely on ghosts and demons are nothing to celebrate. "It's the complete disfiguring of human flesh that gets me going. The fear that is etched in their faces and the utter desperation for their inconsequential lives is pure stiffy-inducement." Thackley insists that even though he enjoys the bravery of these "documentaries" he'd never allow one to be made about himself. "I'm surprised someone consented to be recorded while they were masturbating to their own supremacy. I'm too shy to keep it up for a camera...The pick axe and my dick, that is," said Thackley matter-of-factly.