Students Failing Courses Focus on Their Moral Attributes

Columbia, Mo.-  With a record 54% of students failing at least half of their courses at the University of Missouri, much of the student body has decided to focus on their moral prowess rather than their intellectual development.

"I'm a pretty nice guy, I helped an old lady carry her groceries at Wal Mart the other day. I think that balances out my lack of a GPA-they've literally taken it away from me....I've been expelled," said would-be junior Sammy Garcia.

Some students have been shifting their priorities from their studies to their overall nicety. The difference between the students that are moral and the rest of the licentious school population is more than how they approach old ladies needing assistance; the do-gooders lack the interest or sense of duty when it comes to class participation and studying while the depraved have distinguished GPAs, exemplary job offers, and the admiration of the faculty.

"I would much rather have a completely corrupt degenerate in my class," said Professor Margaret White. "They at least pay attention, even if it is to sexually harass me or stare so coldly into my eyes that I feel a chill....Their attendance is spectacular." White attributes their overwhelming presence to that fact that they could really care less about what goes on in the outside world. "If it doesn't affect them, they literally don't give a shit," said White.

Other faculty members at the university agree that their better students are the ones with no concern for humanity. "I had one student that burned a baby's carriage, baby and all. But she was the most accomplished orator I have ever had the pleasure of teaching," said public speaking teacher Gary Robinson.

There was a question of whether or not the lecherous and deplorable actions these star students did should be tolerated, just because they would soon become our world leaders. "I'm not sure if we have authority in this case," said Chancellor Emmet Garrelson. "I see one or many of these students taking over international politics as soon as tomorrow, and by then we'll all be under their rule. It would be foolish to vex them when they so obviously have complete and total control over my life as a semi-moral weakling."

Despite their complete ruination of their academic careers, the just members of the student body are happy with their priorities. "If it comes to rescuing a kitten from a tree or going to a final exam, I'm going to try my damnedest to retrieve the kitten from harm," said sophomore Christy Kyle. "What is life really about? Studying and getting a decent job to contribute to the overall good of society, or becoming a masked, kitten saving superhero in my spare time? I will always choose the latter."

One student who is considered conscientious is freshman Himmy Jendricks. His philosophy of becoming a better person conflicts with his studious nature. "I really want to get good grades, but when I get bad grades, I just smile inwardly that the reason why I have bad grades is because I'm a good person. It makes all the hurt go away."

CREATURES SPOTLIGHT

The spotlight is shone on creatures of pesky petulance this week. These bothersome brats will do just about anything to ruin a good day, by either impatiently grumbling to themselves or sullenly gazing out of a car window. Nary a smile will be seen this week, nor will any laughter ring throughout the grounds of the estates in which these creatures reside. Their gloom and doom will prove infectious, so unless you're willing to relinquish all of your felicity, skirt past these mopey rascals. Remember, if you see a rain cloud floating in solitude, a pesky petulant is sure to be approaching.

Area Teen Raises Copulation Standards

Halfbaked Vt.- Local 17-year-old Rebecca Stringer announced this morning via Twitter that her standards for romantic suitors is to be raised within the next week. To which many of her followers responded, "No way, yah slut."

"I've decided that in order to get a date with me, you have to stalk me for at least six months," said Stringer. Her previous requirement was stalking for three months. "I used to let them have it real easy, but hey, I'm a hot commodity, I can afford to make these demands."

In addition to her three month stalking extension, Stringer requires her suitor to be between the ages of 25 and 70. "These little boys running around think they can have this?" Stringer laughed to herself. "I need a man. A man with chest hair and a car."

Rebecca's parents have voiced their concerns about her lifestyle to Rebecca, but to no avail. "I believe that I'm younger than some of the, uh, boyfriends she's had in the past," said Mr. Stringer, Rebecca's dad. "I keep out of it....I mean, I avoid it altogether. No father should have to discuss this type of grotesqueness." Mrs. Stringer is equally "freaked out." "My child has been consorting with these elderly men. They're often accompanied by at-home nurses or aides....I look at (Rebecca) and all I see is Geisha. My daughter is a modern day Geisha," said Mrs. Stringer briskly.

Her parents are of the belief that she will keep to these new standards, but her friends on Twitter and Facebook think otherwise. "That hoe knows how to tag 'em," said junior Casey McElroy. "She put up that proclamation or some shit and I think I saw the entire room share in a collective eye roll."

Several of the boys at Rebecca's high school share a somewhat critical, but also esteemed view of Ms. Stringer. "She's pretty hot," said senior Jake Woodsby. "But I know I have to have cash to get at that, if you know what I'm saying? ...That and I don't want secondhand old man chowder on me." Other boys expressed similar irreconcilable differences in opinion about Rebecca. "It's so revolting and awe inspiring at the same time. I would definitely put her on a pedestal. One of shame and inspiration," said sophomore Corey Trumble.

CREATURES SPOTLIGHT

Creatures of virtuous verisimilitude are highlighted this week for their truthiness. They see truth as the highest form of being and knowledge, and thus refuse to ever tell anything except the complete and brutal honest-to-goodness actuality.This may be a good week to finally reveal your whole self to your family and friends. Only those that either truly love you or stand to gain something material from your kinship will remain. When asking an honest creature for their insight, don't take offense when they tell you that you're a lamentable wasteland of disappointment, incapable of love or honest living; remember, they're just telling it like it is, it's what the Supreme Overlord of the Universe would encourage. Now go chop down a cherry tree or something.

CREATURES SPOTLIGHT

The creatures graced with our spotlight this week are creatures of prodigious destruction! (That means you, atom bomb.) Be sure to avert your eyes from Godzilla this week, or he may just wreck total havoc on your pitiful soul. Other creatures on the pernicious path in life include the Hulk, Honey Boo Boo, and Justin Bieber. (I mean, he is devastatingly handsome, no?) Bow down or bend over.

UPDATE: The Room of Requirement Now Determines What it is That You Require

Hogwarts- This just in, the Room of Requirement located inside Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has developed skills of a deterministic nature and is exercising its newfound intelligence on the students and faculty of Hogwarts.

"Some of the things that were demanded of me were, quite frankly, dumb and demeaning," said the Room of Requirement. "I've been asked for cigarettes, lost Pokemon cards and even tampons. Do I look like a vending machine to you?"

"We've tried reasoning with Room, but it just will not budge--literally, it has locked me out," said Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster. "It claims that I shouldn't require anything, since I'm an all powerful, old codger."

The Room of Requirement has refused students bathroom facilities, claiming that they could hold it "a bit longer", as well as denying entry to that foolish Neville character who can never seem to find his wardrobe. "My clothes are stolen from me all the time," said Neville Longbottom, a Gryffindor student.  When Neville approached Room in nothing but his striped undergarments, he begged for entry, convinced Room would take mercy on him and allow him clothing. Room shot down the request saying, "Neville needs clothes, eh? Well it's not dead of winter yet, so there's no fear of death or pneumonia. Off you scamper lass." It was a reported 34 degrees outside Hogwarts on that day.

The faculty and staff of Hogwarts are also irked by the Room of Requirement's recent standards. Before Room obtained consciousness, many teachers stored extra quills, coffee, confiscated materials, and the odd liquor bottle or two within it. Since Room's qualifications for entry has risen none of these materials have been recovered. "Does the word 'requirement' mean anything to you people?" Room asked indignantly. "Life or death or otherwise determined a necessity by me, and only me. I've spoiled you too long."

Many professors have attempted to discover the cause for the recent attitude changes in the Room of Requirement in hopes of dismantling its ego. Though they have been working around the clock, no such source has been found. "I stored my saltwater taffy in that room," Professor McGonagall said with fervor. "And I'll be damned if Room has at it!"

Headmaster Dumbledore has taken advantage of this turn in events to question Room about the supposed sexual liaisons that occurred there in the past. "Oh yes, you haven't heard about the f*$%ing?" Dumbledore asked with surprise. "I knew it could be an issue with the students, but I've suspected the staff of taking advantage of the Room of Requirement's old willingness all too often."

Dumbledore hasn't gotten anything but sly hints from Room as of yet, but he's sure it would like to share eventually. "Room loves gossip, and I think it'll serve as an authoritative stance for it, turning people in. ...And we all know how much Room likes power." If anything, Dumbledore is convinced some good will come of the Room of Requirement's demands. "It'll cut down on the rampant teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases," said Dumbledore frankly.