Wife and Mother of Two Reserves Right to Begrudge Valentine's Day

FULTON, Mo.- Happily married mother of two Nicole Samson still looks upon Valentine's Day as the bane of her existence. Nicole, 38, has mourned the holiday ever since Billy Johnson publicly refused her Valentine in the fifth grade.

"I don't understand her ailment," Hank Samson, Nicole's husband said. "When we first met in June of 1994 she was happy as a bug. Always enjoying our dates and getting me presents for no reason other than she loved me...Our courtship almost turned sour when I attempted to take her out for a nice Valentine's dinner the following year. She slapped me so hard I lost vision in my right eye for five hours!"

Nicole's parents have also noticed this trend. "I tried to tell her that Billy Johnson was a nobody, and that she shouldn't concern herself with his attitude. 'Plenty of fish in the sea,' her father said. But she wouldn't listen. She's ornery, that one," Susan Gomery, Nicole's mother said. "She won't even accept presents from us. She flat out refuses to speak to anyone. If Hank has to work we have to watch the children because she utterly neglects them on this the day of Love," Artie Gomery said sorrowfully of his daughter.

Aside from being watched by their grandparents, Nicole and Hank's children, Danielle, 5, and Ethan, 8, are deeply affected by their mother's depression. Hank said it is common of her to lock herself away in her bedroom with copious amounts of ice cream and chocolates, all of which she consumes herself in a frantic and unhealthy fashion. She often screams obscenities at romance movies and cries bloody murder while pounding her head against the south-facing wall of the room. Any attempt at communication with her is hopeless. "If she directly responds to anyone at all it's usually a demand for them to go to H-E-double hockey sticks. No, she's best to be left alone on the 14th," Hank says with obvious distress.

A neighbor told us that last year they heard the wailings of Nicole Samson through their own residence's walls. "It was unbearable, (the noise is) worse than any party the Nilson's throw on a football weekend. Those poor, wretched children," neighbor Monique Anders said.

Nebraskan Man Who Paid with $100 Bill Is Not Actually a Pimp

FRIEND, Ne.- Gabe Wedemeyer created a stir Tuesday night when he paid for a $2 cheeseburger with a $100 bill at the local Frankie J's diner.

Whispers immediately penetrated the small 15-by-20 room when he thumbed through his wallet, passing several smaller bills, and whipped out a Benjamin. "We don't see that too often," said Frankie Jameson, the owner. "It was damn near offensive, as if he thought he was too big of a man for a $5, or even a $20 dollar bill."

"I've never seen one in person before," Jimmie Schuck, 14, said. "I've only heard of 'em and seen them in movies."

Many people thought he looked like "an outsider" and was perhaps from "the city". "I don't like city-folk coming in here. They think they've got the lay of the land just by stopping in at a burger joint and picking up a good ol' fashioned sandwich for the road. That just ain't the way it works," said local Barbara Robins.

Some people even went as far as to say Wedemeyer looked like a criminal, or a "hustler". Another even called him a pimp. "I just don't like that type in here. I know he didn't bring his hoes or his duped up caddy," Leland Banks, a local said, "But it's about a man's stance, or 'swagger' as they call it up in Lincoln. He just gave a sex-soliciting vibe."

"I work as an accountant out of Omaha," said Wedemeyer. "I'm on my way to visit my sister in Scottsbluff. I've been coming through this very diner twice a year for the past 10 years. I love its character," Wedemeyer said with an appreciative glance around. "And the burgers are to die for," he added.

When asked whether he knew the locals had such notions about his character, he said, "I knew that they realized I was from a larger city, but dear god, I never knew that they thought I was a-a-a pimp!"

Wedemeyer has vowed never to return to Frankie J's Diner in Friend Nebraska, to which all of the locals sighed a collective sigh of relief. "I'm happy he's gone, I don't bode well with woman-haters," owner Frankie Jameson said.

Holiday Cheer Coaxes Man Off Ledge

LOS ANGELES- A 56-year-old man climbed to the top of his apartment building in downtown Los Angeles Friday evening after receiving divorce papers from his wife of 32 years.

Rick Fisher stole his building's janitor keys and made his way to the stairwell leading to the locked roof at approximately 6:30 P.M. on Friday immediately after his wife Theresa's lawyer served him with divorce papers. "He looked violently sick all of the sudden," Victor Cosgrove, Theresa Fisher's lawyer said. "I wish he would have ran to the bathroom instead."

"It's not like it was totally out of left field," Theresa Fisher said. "He had it coming after he put up that kitten poster in the den. One word, freak-y."

Upon reaching the top of the stairs, Fisher used the stolen keys to open the door to the roof. He was spotted by pedestrians on the street below who claimed that he immediately ripped his t-shirt off in a "haphazard" way while falling to his knees with a look of "pure agony" on his face. "I thought he had been shot," said Monica Cortez, a pedestrian. "People don't fall over like that without a bullet passing through them."

Fisher was then heard screaming obscenities and crying endlessly. By approximately 6:45 P.M. his actions had drawn a crowd and the authorities had been notified and were waiting on the street at the base of his building. His wife Theresa arrived to try and persuade him to come down by saying that she still loved him, to which he resolutely shouted, "You don't know what love is!"

A stunned crowd expected the worst. "He should have jumped by now, just get it over with so the police can clean up the street before the 9:00 rush comes on tonight," said Tom Roberts, a bystander.

All had almost given up hope of ever retrieving Fisher alive when some Christmas carolers rounded the corner of Park St. and Timber Ave. singing songs of cheer. They started by singing classics such as "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and "Jingle Bells" before moving on to more contemporary interpretations in the country and rock genres.

"It was as if a cloud opened up and revealed God's sweet glory," Miranda Hayworth, an onlooker said. "With all of the children in cute holiday dresses and Santa sweaters with jingle bells on them. It certainly made me appreciate life more."

Theresa Fisher, who was on top of the building with her husband at the time, noticed a change in his demeanor almost immediately. "I don't know how it happened, but he slowly stood up and started to sing with the carolers. -Out of tune of course, but he didn't give a damn. It was as if he were in a trance. The only time he broke his gaze was when I tried to say something to him. He turned around slowly and said in the sweetest tone to 'put a cork in it'. I didn't care what happened to him after that!"

Fisher slowly but surely made his way to the stairs, (to some applause), and immediately went to his car to go to Home Depot to get "those Christmas lights he had been meaning to put up for over three weeks."

He has been shut in his apartment ever since wrapped in Christmas sweaters that don't match the magnitude of his newfound holiday cheer. Fisher's said to only come out of his residence to purchase more eggnog and donate money to the bell ringers of the Salvation Army.

Vermin Supreme: Excellent Political Satire, Or Looney Old Man?

I literally laughed out loud, so clever.http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=4d_FvgQ1csE
"I am a friendly facist, I am a tyrant that you should trust, and you should let me run your life because I do know what is best for you."

Politician Makes a Bold Move by Promoting a "Family First" Image of Himself

BOSTON- In an unexpected move, Mitt Romney, a candidate for the GOP ticket for the presidency, has released ads promoting himself as a family man, an idea that has bewildered the political arena surrounding Washington D.C. Romney's competitors have expressed great remorse about not having thought of the campaign tool Romney has employed themselves. "I never would have thought to tell people I care about my family, not that I particularly do, but it would have been worth considering taking some photos with my godforsaken husband and devilish children," said Michele Bachmann.

"Why can't it be good campaign strategy to love the ladies? Family first, yadda yadda, everyone knows they like a little honey, I'm just more open about it," said Herman Cain.

When Rick Perry was asked to comment on what he thought of Romney's new campaign strategy he replied between bites of Al's famous ribs, "My focus is on the queers and God's hatred of them. My state appreciates that, and I'm not about changing a horse midstream. Also, I think it's important to say the U-S-of A is the best damned country out there, and we need a president that thinks so. I'm counting on my God-fearing people of the South to support me on these issues and place my rear in the Oval Office." After some moments of pause, Rick Perry wiped Al's famous barbecue sauce from his lips and said, "And Mitt Romney can suck it."

The ads consist of pictures of Romney with his family from many different years and slogans describing Romney as a caring and devoted husband and father. His wife, Ann, has taken a large role in this campaign strategy by describing the "softer side" of Mitt Romney. She describes him as silly and warm hearted and a lot of other words that would normally demean a man in a position of power, but have strangely had a positive effect on Romney's popularity. "I find him to be a much nicer man than any of the other candidates," said 56-year-old Rosamund Yates of Tampa, Florida. "I used to vote democratic, but since he's such a kind person I'm going to vote for him in hopes he makes it to the White House. His wife sure is lucky."

Even men are having similar thoughts about Mr. Romney. "I think a real man is someone who provides for his family, and he seems to do a good job. If he can provide for his family, he can provide for the nation," said 72-year-old Jacob Hill. "He's got my vote now, especially compared to those other hoo-haws running that can't seem to keep it in their pants. Disgraceful," Hill said shaking his head.

The polls show that since his new advertisements about family values were released, Romney has jumped seven percent in polls, which has made the other candidates quiver in their boots. "We have reason to be worried, but damn it if I don't win the presidency just because he's never had the indescribable pleasure of a prostitute's company," said a disgruntled looking Newt Gingrich.

Urban Outfitters-"Hobo Hotel"?

ST. LOUIS- Five very well rested homeless men greeted a surprised and disgusted store manager named Chloe Sun on Monday morning after staying the night in the Urban Outfitters located in the Galleria shopping mall. "I was scared s*%$less, and then I almost vomited because of this horrific stench that was wafting toward me from the register," Sun said. "It was as if someone had shoved a skunk's butt in my face. Blegh!"

The scent was identified as human waste when police officer Bob Roedan stepped in the brown heap directly behind the register. "Yup, that's human s*%#," Roedan said. "Man what did they eat?" When the homeless men were interviewed, only one stood up and claimed responsibility. "We couldn't find a proper toilet and it was just so cold outside, we just dropped our trousers and let nature take its course," Tim Hanes said. "As a shelter you should really offer bathrooms to the residents, it's a common human decency."

Upon further questioning and a look at the security tapes it was clear that the five men had entered the store 30 minutes before closing time at six o'clock Sunday night and had quietly made beds in the southeast corner of the store with floral pillows and quilts found on the shelves. "It looked like a typical (homeless) shelter to me," Rob Thompson, one of the five homeless men, said.  "I've actually seen better ones than this one. I was surprised by the lack of flooring, normally they have decent floors."

"The piles of old and used clothing tipped me off. I thought it was odd to have it in a mall, seemed almost cruel, but nothing else was different," Hanes said.

Sun scoffed when the police told her the homeless men had trespassed because they believed the store to be a homeless shelter. "I don't believe it, this is quality stuff! People pay upwards of $100 on our flirty dresses and hipster-chic shirts," Sun said. As she said this, Thompson picked up a plastic camera displayed around a mannequin's neck that fell apart in his hands. Sun's face reddened. "See! Can't trust them with anything! I'm still convinced they were trying to rob the store so they could have booze money!" Sun said as she snatched at the camera pieces, which seemed to be no more complex than a child's toy.

When this reporter made a small joke about one of Urban Outfitters' featured purses being called a "hobo bag" to police officer Roedan, Sun smacked the notebook and pen I was carrying to the floor and stormed out of the store. Roedan laughed loudly and offered all the homeless men breakfast at a nearby International House of Pancakes before dropping them off at the Salvation Army.

Interview With President of the United States Interrupted

WASHINGTON- In an interview with President Obama Thursday, Matt Lauer was cut off by a S.W.A.T. team that promptly lifted the president above their heads and carried him to a waiting helicopter.

The president did not change his demeanor and kept his body rigid for the four S.W.A.T. team members underneath his weight. One team member simply said, "Off we go, Mr. President."

A confused Matt Lauer protested saying, "This was scheduled! And it's live! Where is he going?"

The S.W.A.T. team members simply ignored him and proceeded to carry President Obama to the aircraft. Once they reached the steps they reorganized by turning the president on his side so he could fit through the door more easily. At the top of the steps they handed him off to another team waiting inside that began to bend his elbows and knees so he could be placed in a seating position.

The Today Show cameras got a last glimpse before the door to the helicopter was abruptly closed. The show ended the segment with an incredulous Matt Lauer saying,"This is just f%*#ing great!" He then stormed out of the camera's view.