Area Professor Knows He's All-Knowing, Because He Knows Stuff Like That

BOSTON- A professor at a local university has knowledge of his god-like capabilities. "I'm quite accurate in my understandings, I would actually take the 'quite' out of that sentence and just say, 'Trust me, I know all,'" said Professor Frederick Abendroth.  He has said to his many classes that he knows how many of them will fail not only his class, but in life. He then leads a procession around the room, either somberly offering his hand to be kissed, or gravely shaking his head at those he deems unfortunate.

"I was warned about his god-complex," said junior Melissa Casey. "I thought that meant that he was arrogant, which I suppose he is, but it's way beyond that. The man actually believes he is God," Casey shook her head. "How do you pass that test?"

Over Abendroth's 30 years of teaching, only 10 percent have passed his class. The other 90 percent have made appeals to the dean and the chancellor, but all have been denied credit for the course or to have it removed from their record. "It's not fair, the higher-ups at the university are terrified of this man. If any other professor had such a failure rate among their students, they'd be gone in no time. But that old man is still here after 30 years," said senior Thomas Whitford.

"I deny any so called 'fear' that I have for Abendroth," said Chancellor Thompson. "I think he's a marvelous professor with a, uh, unique set of skills. It's preposterous to think I would put students' educations at risk just because of a silly fear I may or may not have for this, beast of a human being."

Dean Hammersmark also denied having a fear of Abendroth, but concluded his interview by whispering, "Well the man does have a presence about him, doesn't he? I think I've seen him fly a few times."

The art school at the university has also noticed some curious things about Professor Abendroth. Each semester the freshman are told stories about Abendroth and then told to make artwork that reflects their perceptions of the 80-year-old, white bearded man. "We're encouraged to follow him around, see if he does any ethereal trickery, like flying, turning water into wine, or just gazing at the stars as if he knows something," said freshman Billy Vans. The photography students especially like to visit him at night and see if his skin gives off an angelic glow. "It makes for a great long-exposure snapshot. We've had a couple close encounters, but I think he senses the camera and hides himself," said sophomore photography student Jamie Brussel.

The stories and rumors surrounding Professor Abendroth encase his classroom as well. Students rarely raise their hands, never seek one-on-ones, and never contest a grade. Upon sitting in his classroom one would think you were in a church. No one speaks upon entering the classroom, and some students have taken to praying outside the door and sprinkling themselves with holy water. "If this man truly is God, then I'm going to go to every length to not offend him with my presence," said senior Becky Dale. "Everyone should do the same. I feel incredibly blessed to be in this sanctuary."

"I don't want a man," Area Girl Lies Through Teeth

Memphis, Tn- Today local 21-year-old Missy Shapiro said that having a man was not on her "wants" list. "I don't want a man, I hardly ever miss a nice warm body curled next to me on cold, lonely nights....It's just not something I stress over." To make sure everyone in the surrounding city and suburbs would know how independent Shapiro is, she has been on a quest to inform every person she comes in contact with, stranger or not, of her non-essential item-a man. "I've told my hairdresser, my mother, gas station attendants, waiters, sales clerks, and even hitchhikers that I refuse to offer a ride. I simply pull over and roll down the window and yell it at them. I think it's an effective method of making yourself heard," Shapiro said.

Shapiro has sworn on church steps, court steps, the Spanish Steps -any steps- that her life is just as full without a man as it would be if she did possess one. She has even taken to printing leaflets detailing the extent of her self-satisfaction even though she has not been courting anyone. "I usually put a picture of myself, smiling of course, and a couple bullet points saying basically that I don't have man, don't want one, and don't miss one. It's incredibly empowering to tell the whole world, or at least downtown Memphis, that I'm alone in this world," Shapiro said.

When I asked Shapiro what she spent most of her time doing she said, "I usually lie in bed, awake but not present, reading gossip mags, you know, feeding off of their sexual energy, and make myself increasingly isolated from the outside world by not venturing beyond the walls of my house unless I need to make my independence known. I've grown very fond of internet games and trolling. It distracts me from real conversations with real people." Shapiro spends upwards of 70 hours a week on online video games and their chat rooms. "I do have friends, you just can't see them."

While Shapiro is proud of her spinsterhood, she does acknowledge that other people do benefit from mutual, loving relationships. "It's not that relationships are awful, it's just that the people who do benefit are often weak." Upon asking her to elaborate Shapiro said, "Some people love the sex, the cuddling, the intimacy of mutual understanding, the caring emotional and psychological support, and yes, they love the satisfaction of saying that someone else in this world is always there for them- but that is very co-dependent isn't it? It sickens me really. I feel bad for the pathetic losers that have found their equal in the world."

I asked Shapiro if there was anything at all that she missed about having a significant other. She stood her ground and said, "I like never having conversations that actually mean something to me, and I adore going out to eat alone, staring at people in love while I eat enough for two and sob into my drink....It's really the good life, I don't share feelings, desires, wants, needs, or dreams with anyone. They're all trapped in my brain where they'll stay for all eternity, never materializing before me.... No, the single life is all I need. That and a therapist I visit once a week for my anti-depressants."

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! ...Actually, What I Have to Say is of No Importance

Hear ye! Hear ye! Oh look! You actually turned your face in my direction! You would think I would tell you something of interest right now, but actually I don't have anything. No seriously, you guys turned to a guy with nothing to say, pretty much ever. What's on my mind? Nothing.

You see, I just like to know I have the power to command your attention when I need to. However, I have not had any reason whatsoever to call upon you subjects to hear me out. I literally can't think of a time when I've had anything of value to contribute. Take this monologue you're listening to right now, you certainly don't have to listen. By listening you are not gaining anything that a non-listener would regret missing. In fact, it could be argued that you are the loser for still sticking around when I'm just rambling about nothing of consequence.

There's still a couple of you raptly paying attention to the nonsense coming out of my mouth, so I'll continue. Current listeners: Was it something I said? Why are you still here? The significance of the utterances I'm spewing are more worthless than your pathetic lives spent listening to this muck. I'm practically insulting you now, as well as myself. If it's at that point I'm going to assume that you still tuning in are not all there. And who needs an audience that can't dissect what's being said? Apparently someone with nothing to say.

Area Mother Prefers to Be Called "Sexy"

OAKLAND-Mother of three, Patti Evans despises the term "beautiful". She prefers to be called a "red-hot mama" or when she's feeling particularly randy, "sexed up sleaze bag." She can be found slutting up the grocery store aisles, stripping at Sunday brunch, and being just plain crude at family dinner.

"She's really embarrassing," her son James, 13, said. "She's like 40. When she flaps her arms around they jiggle." Her two daughters, Rebecca, 18, and Kimberly, 15, both think she's lost it. "It has to be a mid life crisis," Rebecca said. "She wears khakis and cardigans for Christ's sake! That's birth control if I've ever seen it."

Evans is currently teaching Kimberly how to drive. "It's so frustrating when I'm trying to learn how to drive and she keeps telling me to pull over so she can 'flash her hooters' at some young guys. No one wants to see that s*%#." Evans was once arrested for public nudity when a person she flashed was a minor. "He looked like a spry 20-year-old. I'm no pervert," Evans said with a huff. "My husband bailed me out of jail and I paid a fine, whoop-de-doo." Evans has even been alleged to have had several affairs with teenage boys that go to her daughters' school. "It's disgusting, they all say that they've 'tapped my mom', and that would normally be a really dumb joke, but I honestly believe them. She's a flat out skank," said Rebecca.

When I asked Evans why she preferred the word "sexy" over "beautiful" she broke it down: "Look, I've pushed three kids out, all I want is a bit of sexy put back into my daily life. Is that so much to ask for? To get the sexual attention of every male in the greater Oakland area? I think not. I'm a simple woman with simple wishes: to be HOT." She named Anna Nicole Smith, Kim Kardashian, and Jenna Jameson as her role models. "They knew how to be hoe-ish without completely giving up their dignity. I'm still in the learning process-I've given up my dignity, and I mean all of it, so now I just have to reel some of it back it...if possible."

Stuart Evans, Patti Evans' husband, said he made the switch from "beautiful" to "sexy" years ago. "I learned a long time ago that Patti has a penchant for naughty things such as erotic literature, spankings, and even jacuzzis, so when she said to stop it with the 'beautiful' talk I listened. I'm a great listener, and I'm always here for her. Literally, I'm always at home, waiting for her," Evans said with a sob. "I just want her to come home."

Sexting is the Number One Way to Contract an STD, Experts Say

Sexting has quickly grown to the number one cause of STD transmission, experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said. "It's an increasing concern for us, because the prevalence of said activity is increasing rapidly with all of the new smart phones with cameras and vibration capabilities," Linda Garner, the leading researcher on sexting said. "It's practically an epidemic."

"Well, I sext because it's a fun distraction during class. I get bored so I decide to type up horny thoughts and send them to this guy I'm kind of seeing," said Alexis Rogers, a Sophomore at Iowa State University. "And when I'm tired of studying at home, I take a shot of tequila and take naked pics. It's funny because it's scandalous!"

What many young college students don't understand, is that this habit is leading to health risks and concerns. Several new cases of chlamydia, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and HIV have been sprouting up all over the country. They're concentrated in college towns, but it's spreading through other communities as well. "We're seeing a lot of older adults, you know, middle aged, partaking in this activity because they think it's a fun way to be young again without much risk, but symptoms typically start to show up after one or two sexting encounters, and they're left scratching their heads, or their...you know whats," Garner said.

The new outbreak has inspired a new wave of sex education videos and articles from the Center of Disease Control and Prevention. "A lot of people are catching these sexually transmitted diseases unawares, and our job is to inform them, so they can make educated decisions about their health," Dr. Grant Turner, a colleague of Garner's said. "That's why we've created this new miniseries with catchy names to get college students', and even high school students', attention."

Some of the video names include: "Drop that Phone! How Sexting Can Get You Into a 'Sticky Situation'", "Multiple Sexting Partners? You May Be Texting Them For a Different Reason Next Time", and, "Got an Itch? Well, You're S#*t Out of Luck". Dr. Turner is hopeful that these videos will help to inform, but also to scare people away from the idea of sexting. "It's an awful habit, I want it obliterated. I really hope that everyone learns to abstain....You don't even get to touch the other person! Bollocks."

Garner says there are ways to sext safely however. "Even though Dr. Turner would prefer to see it abolished completely, and there are several others similar to him, most of us at the Center of Disease Control and Prevention understand that it's unlikely to be completely wiped out." The CDC is planning on launching a line of "Keyboard Condoms" to place over the keyboard of a phone. Garner explained, "It reduces the actual physical contact with the sexual words. We find verbs are the most common carriers of STDs, so if you plan on using a lot of verbs, slip on a Keyboard Condom and you're all set to go." They're also introducing a line of lubricants to reduce finger chafing and increase typing speed in users of the Keyboard Condom. "It's about having fun, not contracting diseases, so we're helping the folks out there that want a satisfying, safe ride. Enjoy!"

Area Woman Tricked by Condom Myth

Flagstaff, Texas- Recent mother of twins Bailey Hunter, 22, conceived her children when the father said that he "couldn't feel it" when he wore a condom during intercourse. "Hell yeah I believed him, it is a tricky little rubber thing, I didn't want to make him feel left out, the poor thing," said Bailey. "He's got those big sad eyes, I couldn't see him cry."

Much to Bailey's surprise, this is a myth. We caught up with the father, who wants to remain anonymous, and asked him to comment on the difference between wearing a condom versus not wearing one. "There's a slight difference I guess, I probably just told her that because I didn't want to have to go get one....Who is this girl you're talking about again?" When informed of Bailey's condition, the father bolted into the nearby woods, never to be seen again.

Bailey was not on birth control when she became pregnant. "I don't want no doctors touching me, and I'd have to get a prescription for them little pills. I probably wouldn't remember to take them anyways," Bailey said with a laugh.

Upon asking if she was in the habit of having unprotected sex, Bailey said, "Well shoot, I thought I smoked and drank too much to get preggers. Guess I was wrong!" Her twins, Veronica and Peter, started crying and she shouted for them to "shut their yappers." "I shouldn't be a momma, but the Lord gave 'em to me, so I should put up with them."

We conducted a survey of women ages 16 to 25 to see how many women actually made concessions similar to Bailey's when deciding whether or not to use a condom. A majority, 65%, said they had given similar leeway to men in the past, and an overwhelming majority, 99%, of this group have conceived as a result of this decision.

There are many other myths that have permeated the market, such as, "I can't get an erection with a condom," "My balls fall off if I wear a condom," and "A black hole opens up within the earth's core and everyone you love falls into a fiery pit of doom...if I wear a condom." The National Institute of Health has stated that all of these statements are false, and if believed will mostly likely result in pregnancy, a sexually transmitted disease, or a skin rash from stray semen.

To further awareness, many college campuses have created slogans such as, "Rubber or No Dice Brother," "Wrap it or Slap it," and "I Condemn You Without a Condom." These are often sold in campus bookstores on everything from bumper stickers, wristbands, hats, t-shirts, flags, notebooks, and yup, you guessed it-condoms.

Happy Little Lecherous Leprechaun Day!

My views (and obviously The Onion's) on St. Patty's Day celebrations in the US of A.

Stere O' typin'

I'm Irish....I promise.


P.S. If a little ginger bearded man pops out of a forest and tells you to follow him to his "magic pot o' gold" just say, "No thank you," and go on your merry way.