CHICAGO- During President Obama's acceptance speech following the announcement of his re-election, The Subtle Anarchist left his phone on loud in hopes that if someone should try to contact him, it could be heard by the crowd and Barack Obama alike. President Obama was about halfway through his elocution when the hollow ringing reached his ears. While it only momentarily crossed his mind, the president was slightly affected by the drone.
The Subtle Anarchist made eye contact with the president the moment his phone began the song of its people. "I swear I saw a bead of sweat form on our beloved president's brow," Anarchist said. "And it gave me great pleasure to leave my hands at my sides, and allow my phone to continue it's cheerful refrain." The slight, essentially unnoticeable effect the phone's ringing had on the president would make other anarchists ashamed according to The Subtle Anarchist. But his style is what is most important to him. "I possess the same rancorous emotions for the government as other anarchists, but I believe in a classier attempt at their sanity," said Anarchist.
The method employed by The Subtle Anarchist has slightly annoyed many political leaders, ranging from senators, governors, and even sheriffs. Anarchist has been plotting against presidents since Nixon's election to the highest office. "The other anarchists had their framing of Watergate," said Anarchist. "I simply intercepted the mail he received and addressed it all to a Mr. Richard Dixon. He nearly cursed his mother over that 'misspelling'."
The reasoning for The Subtle Anarchist's tactics is simple in his mind. "I believe that big demonstrations are more memorable, but the small annoyances of public life are what really shepherd leaders down the path of self destruction,"Anarchist said. "All guards are down when they don't take their opponent seriously, or don't even know they have an opposition. All it takes is one minuscule shove toward the edge, and over the precipice they fall." The Subtle Anarchist claims responsibility for Bill Clinton's fall from grace, as well as the actions of George W. Bush that led to the economic fall out in America in recent years. "Yeah, that was me," said Anarchist.
Though it may take some time to "break" President Obama, The Subtle Anarchist remains optimistic. "A good wad of gum stuck under his windshield, or consistently tapping my fingers while he's trying to read might do the trick." Anarchist refuses to vote, citing his democratic right to despise government and all of its processes, but he's thankful Barack Obama won a second term. "Truth be told, he's been a difficult leader to subtly antagonize. I could use another four years to utterly pester the living crap out of him."
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Bluth to be New Romney Campaign Manager: "Yeah, I Like His Business Model" said Romney
BREAKING
NEWS:
“From Whence You Came!” is the new Romney/Ryan slogan. Gob
Bluth, the new campaign manager, added the phrase immediately upon receiving
the job saying it would take a "defiant stand" against the "tyranny of the Obama administration"; all while enjoying a nice day of dramatics at the beach. The slogan is featured with images of Mitt Romney hurling President
Obama into the sea and declaring the beach free of terrorists. Mitt Romney said
he liked the idea of forcefully evacuating the president by way of ocean
hurling because he believed the waters would carry him back to Kenya. “If that
man is American then I’m not the president of the Bluth company,” said Gob
Bluth of Barack Obama. “I mean COME ON!”
Friday, October 12, 2012
College Students Unsure if They're Happy or Regretting that They Didn't Drink Every Time Biden Laughed
At last night's Vice Presidential debate, Joe Biden colored happy every time the adorable Congressman Ryan attempted to talk about policy or some American he helped once. Many college students around the nation reported making drinking games out of the debates, including games such as "drink every time you see a passive aggressive smile" or "drink every time you feel sad for Lady Liberty", but last night's Vice Presidential debate inspired dilemma in many young voters. "In the first couple minutes I thought the Biden smile would be a perfect thing to drink to, I mean, it's easy to spot even in an inebriated state, and it was just so infectious. The man has perfect teeth to eye ratio."
But as the debate progressed many college students that had decided to play this drinking game regretted their decision. "Murhmph, uhhhh, bllllaaagh," said one University of Alabama student after 30 minutes of the debate. Several others were unconscious after the 30 minute mark when the count of Biden smiles or jovial laughs was lost track of. A record 1227 students across the nation were hospitalized for alcohol related injuries such as alcohol poisoning, believing one could walk on water, challenging a homicidal truck driver to a fight, or having intercourse with a walking cesspool of sexually transmitted diseases. In light of this mass destruction, last night's Vice Presidential debate has been deemed the country's largest public relations disaster for an administration since the photo of Franklin D. Roosevelt picking his nose surfaced in 1944.
The college students that elected to not partake in the drinking game sat back as those around them either jumped off of buildings or slipped disgracefully into sobbing fits of shame. Some of these students were relieved, "I dodged a bullet I think," said sophomore University of Michigan student Elissa Carthidge said. "All of these sane, respectable people I thought I knew were suddenly eating their own vomit, attempting to make love to stray animals, or just plain dying. I don't want to relive prom night."
Others were fully disappointed in themselves for not joining the festivities. "I think I missed out on an essential moment in our country's history," said Dave Riley, a student at the University of Colorado. "If throwing back hard liquor in the name of preserving our fundamental right to disrespect a time-honored tradition in our legal system isn't American, then I don't know what is."
But as the debate progressed many college students that had decided to play this drinking game regretted their decision. "Murhmph, uhhhh, bllllaaagh," said one University of Alabama student after 30 minutes of the debate. Several others were unconscious after the 30 minute mark when the count of Biden smiles or jovial laughs was lost track of. A record 1227 students across the nation were hospitalized for alcohol related injuries such as alcohol poisoning, believing one could walk on water, challenging a homicidal truck driver to a fight, or having intercourse with a walking cesspool of sexually transmitted diseases. In light of this mass destruction, last night's Vice Presidential debate has been deemed the country's largest public relations disaster for an administration since the photo of Franklin D. Roosevelt picking his nose surfaced in 1944.
The college students that elected to not partake in the drinking game sat back as those around them either jumped off of buildings or slipped disgracefully into sobbing fits of shame. Some of these students were relieved, "I dodged a bullet I think," said sophomore University of Michigan student Elissa Carthidge said. "All of these sane, respectable people I thought I knew were suddenly eating their own vomit, attempting to make love to stray animals, or just plain dying. I don't want to relive prom night."
Others were fully disappointed in themselves for not joining the festivities. "I think I missed out on an essential moment in our country's history," said Dave Riley, a student at the University of Colorado. "If throwing back hard liquor in the name of preserving our fundamental right to disrespect a time-honored tradition in our legal system isn't American, then I don't know what is."
Thursday, October 11, 2012
CREATURES SPOTLIGHT
Thursday, October 4, 2012
"Ask The Audience" Option Most Popular at First Presidential Debate
Denver, Colo. -Both President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney heavily favored the "Ask the Audience" option during the first presidential debate last night at the University of Colorado. For each question that moderator Jim Lehrer posed, the candidates immediately began sweating anew and demanded to ask the audience for their opinion. This hopelessly backfired however since the audience had agreed to be silent for the duration of the debate.
Mitt Romney was seen as visibly shaken when time and time again the audience gazed back into his panic-stricken face, unable to voice their opinions. "I really wanted to help the guy out," said audience member Jimmy Hemslee. "You always have the impulse to help someone who is more hopelessly lost than Snooki in a Library... But Lehrer has eyes in the back of his head, I couldn't even mouth the simple words 'tax reform'." There was an occasional "PSSST!"from the audience directed at the candidates, but the perpetrators' seats immediately gave way to a trap door beneath them, and they were plunged into the fiery depths below for questioning.
Other members of the audience tried throwing what few objects they were allowed to bring into the auditorium at the candidates when they wanted them to simply stop speaking. "I aimed a couple bobby pins at President Obama's head when he kept bringing up that $5 trillion that Romney then kept denying," said Hilary Bates. "Back and forth, with that five figure. I came to watch a presidential debate, not a tennis match." At one point during the debate Mitt Romney had what appeared to be a small dildo thrown at his head, which did not strike him, but grazed his fantasy-inducing hair. "I don't know how they snuck that gadget in here," said Randy Emmels, head of security. "What's really surprising is that someone would purchase such a discreet toy. I wouldn't think anyone would be able to feel that."
When asked why the "ask the audience" option was relied upon more than the others, President Obama said, "I can't phone a friend, I have no idea who are my friends. I could very easily be fed wrongful answers in an attempt to make me look like a fool in front of the American people." In response to our question of whether or not he would call his wife, Michelle Obama, he said, "She could very easily be compromised. That's not paranoia speaking, it's the words of a wise commander-in-chief."
Mitt Romney said he would have preferred the 50/50 option, but seeing as there weren't any choices given, he couldn't take advantage of it. "I wish they would have told me in advance that there wasn't going to be any multiple choice," said Governor Romney. "I had heavily relied upon that in my preparation for the debate. And to think I'd have to do speaking essays in its place!" Romney changed his strategy to "ask the audience" when he came upon this realization, and plans to write his entire campaign on his arms before the next debate. "It's just like school, some old fart without authority asking me questions, and me reading answers off of my ink smudged limbs. Works every time," said a grinning Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney was seen as visibly shaken when time and time again the audience gazed back into his panic-stricken face, unable to voice their opinions. "I really wanted to help the guy out," said audience member Jimmy Hemslee. "You always have the impulse to help someone who is more hopelessly lost than Snooki in a Library... But Lehrer has eyes in the back of his head, I couldn't even mouth the simple words 'tax reform'." There was an occasional "PSSST!"from the audience directed at the candidates, but the perpetrators' seats immediately gave way to a trap door beneath them, and they were plunged into the fiery depths below for questioning.
Other members of the audience tried throwing what few objects they were allowed to bring into the auditorium at the candidates when they wanted them to simply stop speaking. "I aimed a couple bobby pins at President Obama's head when he kept bringing up that $5 trillion that Romney then kept denying," said Hilary Bates. "Back and forth, with that five figure. I came to watch a presidential debate, not a tennis match." At one point during the debate Mitt Romney had what appeared to be a small dildo thrown at his head, which did not strike him, but grazed his fantasy-inducing hair. "I don't know how they snuck that gadget in here," said Randy Emmels, head of security. "What's really surprising is that someone would purchase such a discreet toy. I wouldn't think anyone would be able to feel that."
When asked why the "ask the audience" option was relied upon more than the others, President Obama said, "I can't phone a friend, I have no idea who are my friends. I could very easily be fed wrongful answers in an attempt to make me look like a fool in front of the American people." In response to our question of whether or not he would call his wife, Michelle Obama, he said, "She could very easily be compromised. That's not paranoia speaking, it's the words of a wise commander-in-chief."
Mitt Romney said he would have preferred the 50/50 option, but seeing as there weren't any choices given, he couldn't take advantage of it. "I wish they would have told me in advance that there wasn't going to be any multiple choice," said Governor Romney. "I had heavily relied upon that in my preparation for the debate. And to think I'd have to do speaking essays in its place!" Romney changed his strategy to "ask the audience" when he came upon this realization, and plans to write his entire campaign on his arms before the next debate. "It's just like school, some old fart without authority asking me questions, and me reading answers off of my ink smudged limbs. Works every time," said a grinning Mitt Romney.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Area Psychopath Celebrates The Only Month That Makes Him Feel Normal
Springfield, Mo.- The first of October holds a special meaning for Springfield resident Mike Thackley, who self identifies as a psychopath that thirsts for human blood. The month that contains the American holiday Halloween is known for touting goblins and ghouls and all things horror, as well as encouraging children to meet strangers who seduce them with sweets. It's this type of environment that makes Thackley feel right at home.
"I've always loved Halloween and the month of October," said Thackley. "It's the only time of year that I can go out in public with my blood-stained hands and flesh suit and still be treated like a regular human being." Thackley has gone out in public in what he calls his "evening wardrobe" during other months of the year such as April and July, and has always met hostility on these occasions. "I try to get close to people, to revel in their scent, but they always yell and run away. It makes my daily trips to the playground awkward," said Thackley.
To take advantage of his short-lived acceptance, Thackley volunteers to work at the local haunted house as a sickened torturer. "He's the best actor we've ever had," said haunted house owner Timothy Grimm. "He brings his own chainsaw, and always shows up early already in his make up. He must have some kind of spray that smells like the dead for effect because whew! he smells ripe as the Bubonic Plague each shift." Co-workers describe his methods as: "sinister", "satanic", and "vomit-inducing", but they recognize the talent in his craft. "I've always admired the way he wields a scythe," said Freddy Krueger look-alike Damien Harvey. "It's so masterful, I hardly notice the weeping children lying in their own pools of blood."
Thackley likes to go to the movies during the month of October because they are filled with horror films, or what he calls, "autobiographical documentaries." Although he insists that the ones that rely on ghosts and demons are nothing to celebrate. "It's the complete disfiguring of human flesh that gets me going. The fear that is etched in their faces and the utter desperation for their inconsequential lives is pure stiffy-inducement." Thackley insists that even though he enjoys the bravery of these "documentaries" he'd never allow one to be made about himself. "I'm surprised someone consented to be recorded while they were masturbating to their own supremacy. I'm too shy to keep it up for a camera...The pick axe and my dick, that is," said Thackley matter-of-factly.
"I've always loved Halloween and the month of October," said Thackley. "It's the only time of year that I can go out in public with my blood-stained hands and flesh suit and still be treated like a regular human being." Thackley has gone out in public in what he calls his "evening wardrobe" during other months of the year such as April and July, and has always met hostility on these occasions. "I try to get close to people, to revel in their scent, but they always yell and run away. It makes my daily trips to the playground awkward," said Thackley.
To take advantage of his short-lived acceptance, Thackley volunteers to work at the local haunted house as a sickened torturer. "He's the best actor we've ever had," said haunted house owner Timothy Grimm. "He brings his own chainsaw, and always shows up early already in his make up. He must have some kind of spray that smells like the dead for effect because whew! he smells ripe as the Bubonic Plague each shift." Co-workers describe his methods as: "sinister", "satanic", and "vomit-inducing", but they recognize the talent in his craft. "I've always admired the way he wields a scythe," said Freddy Krueger look-alike Damien Harvey. "It's so masterful, I hardly notice the weeping children lying in their own pools of blood."
Thackley likes to go to the movies during the month of October because they are filled with horror films, or what he calls, "autobiographical documentaries." Although he insists that the ones that rely on ghosts and demons are nothing to celebrate. "It's the complete disfiguring of human flesh that gets me going. The fear that is etched in their faces and the utter desperation for their inconsequential lives is pure stiffy-inducement." Thackley insists that even though he enjoys the bravery of these "documentaries" he'd never allow one to be made about himself. "I'm surprised someone consented to be recorded while they were masturbating to their own supremacy. I'm too shy to keep it up for a camera...The pick axe and my dick, that is," said Thackley matter-of-factly.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Students Failing Courses Focus on Their Moral Attributes
Columbia, Mo.- With a record 54% of students failing at least half of their courses at the University of Missouri, much of the student body has decided to focus on their moral prowess rather than their intellectual development.
"I'm a pretty nice guy, I helped an old lady carry her groceries at Wal Mart the other day. I think that balances out my lack of a GPA-they've literally taken it away from me....I've been expelled," said would-be junior Sammy Garcia.
Some students have been shifting their priorities from their studies to their overall nicety. The difference between the students that are moral and the rest of the licentious school population is more than how they approach old ladies needing assistance; the do-gooders lack the interest or sense of duty when it comes to class participation and studying while the depraved have distinguished GPAs, exemplary job offers, and the admiration of the faculty.
"I would much rather have a completely corrupt degenerate in my class," said Professor Margaret White. "They at least pay attention, even if it is to sexually harass me or stare so coldly into my eyes that I feel a chill....Their attendance is spectacular." White attributes their overwhelming presence to that fact that they could really care less about what goes on in the outside world. "If it doesn't affect them, they literally don't give a shit," said White.
Other faculty members at the university agree that their better students are the ones with no concern for humanity. "I had one student that burned a baby's carriage, baby and all. But she was the most accomplished orator I have ever had the pleasure of teaching," said public speaking teacher Gary Robinson.
There was a question of whether or not the lecherous and deplorable actions these star students did should be tolerated, just because they would soon become our world leaders. "I'm not sure if we have authority in this case," said Chancellor Emmet Garrelson. "I see one or many of these students taking over international politics as soon as tomorrow, and by then we'll all be under their rule. It would be foolish to vex them when they so obviously have complete and total control over my life as a semi-moral weakling."
Despite their complete ruination of their academic careers, the just members of the student body are happy with their priorities. "If it comes to rescuing a kitten from a tree or going to a final exam, I'm going to try my damnedest to retrieve the kitten from harm," said sophomore Christy Kyle. "What is life really about? Studying and getting a decent job to contribute to the overall good of society, or becoming a masked, kitten saving superhero in my spare time? I will always choose the latter."
One student who is considered conscientious is freshman Himmy Jendricks. His philosophy of becoming a better person conflicts with his studious nature. "I really want to get good grades, but when I get bad grades, I just smile inwardly that the reason why I have bad grades is because I'm a good person. It makes all the hurt go away."
"I'm a pretty nice guy, I helped an old lady carry her groceries at Wal Mart the other day. I think that balances out my lack of a GPA-they've literally taken it away from me....I've been expelled," said would-be junior Sammy Garcia.
Some students have been shifting their priorities from their studies to their overall nicety. The difference between the students that are moral and the rest of the licentious school population is more than how they approach old ladies needing assistance; the do-gooders lack the interest or sense of duty when it comes to class participation and studying while the depraved have distinguished GPAs, exemplary job offers, and the admiration of the faculty.
"I would much rather have a completely corrupt degenerate in my class," said Professor Margaret White. "They at least pay attention, even if it is to sexually harass me or stare so coldly into my eyes that I feel a chill....Their attendance is spectacular." White attributes their overwhelming presence to that fact that they could really care less about what goes on in the outside world. "If it doesn't affect them, they literally don't give a shit," said White.
Other faculty members at the university agree that their better students are the ones with no concern for humanity. "I had one student that burned a baby's carriage, baby and all. But she was the most accomplished orator I have ever had the pleasure of teaching," said public speaking teacher Gary Robinson.
There was a question of whether or not the lecherous and deplorable actions these star students did should be tolerated, just because they would soon become our world leaders. "I'm not sure if we have authority in this case," said Chancellor Emmet Garrelson. "I see one or many of these students taking over international politics as soon as tomorrow, and by then we'll all be under their rule. It would be foolish to vex them when they so obviously have complete and total control over my life as a semi-moral weakling."
Despite their complete ruination of their academic careers, the just members of the student body are happy with their priorities. "If it comes to rescuing a kitten from a tree or going to a final exam, I'm going to try my damnedest to retrieve the kitten from harm," said sophomore Christy Kyle. "What is life really about? Studying and getting a decent job to contribute to the overall good of society, or becoming a masked, kitten saving superhero in my spare time? I will always choose the latter."
One student who is considered conscientious is freshman Himmy Jendricks. His philosophy of becoming a better person conflicts with his studious nature. "I really want to get good grades, but when I get bad grades, I just smile inwardly that the reason why I have bad grades is because I'm a good person. It makes all the hurt go away."
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