Stickers on Laptops Actually Do Speak Volumes, Says New Study

UNITED STATES- A recent study done at the University of Michigan concludes that placing a sticker on one's laptop is the best way to communicate with the world. "Putting an obscure slogan or image on your laptop is a political gesture on par with testing nuclear weapons," said Gunther Bailey, the lead researcher of the study. "If for example, you had a System of a Down sticker placed on a highly noticeable surface of your laptop, I would see that sticker and we would just not get along. I would probably refuse to sit next to you, and possibly plan your demise."

The study urges people to truly weigh their options before making a permanent gesture such as placing a sticker on a portable electronic device. "Our research has shown that people take the stickers as a walking billboard that says, 'This is me.....and fuck you!' No one wants to be shouted at sir or ma'am," said assistant researcher, Beverly Wallace. "As my Nanna used to say, 'Once it's stuck, you're shit out of luck.' She was quite vulgar." Indeed she was.

Jenna McHarley, a student at the University of Michigan, boldly displays three stickers on her MacBook Pro. "Well, I like puppies so I put a sticker of my favorite, Collies, on the front. It cheers me up," said McHarley. She also proudly displays a Hello Kitty sticker, proven to be linked to fascism according to University of Michigan's study, and one particularly colorful sticker that proclaims "I  Heart Boobies!" which the researchers concede could be about breast cancer, but is more likely to be a reference to the sex trafficking industry.

The local police department is excited about the study's findings. "It'll be like, super easy to spot the bad guys now," said Police Chief Robert Vanner. "We'll just need a simple visual, like a sticker, to prove someone's innocence or guilt." Vance said that training would be cut by 75% as everyone would just have to pass a standard eye exam. "I could hire any seeing person to be a police officer. Think of all the money we'll save the taxpayers by cutting their salaries dramatically."

Shortly after the study's release, #iLUFFSTICKERS started trending on twitter. Sociologists are attributing the sticker boom to the need in our society to express ourselves loudly and often. There's talk of opening around 200 factories in the United States solely devoted to sticker production. "It seems like the time to invest in this up-and-coming sticker economy," said entrepreneur Mark Wally. "We're already working on a line of edible stickers for the kiddies, as well as stickers with aphrodisiacal scents for the mature audience." Investors have lined up to support such operations, with sponsors including McDonald's, Jiffy Lube, and Durex. "With the help of these corporate giants, our dream of a sticker covered America will soon be within reach," said Wally.