Op-Ed: Neti Pots Have Not Been My Ruination

Midwest- Hello readers.  For my op-ed this week, I'd like to confide in you, the people, about my personal life.  I often write about the happenings around the country and the world, but I think my life actually warrants some notice this week, despite what my crotchety wife says.

I have been a clandestine user of Neti Pots since they graced the infomercials some years ago.  My nose had become a problem, and there were not enough tissues or self-help books to ease my pain.  In short I turned to the bottle, and ended any trace of marital love between my now bitter wife and I.  Even my cats rejected me, but to be fair they had always rejected me, they were just less graceful about it now.

Depressed, cat-deprived, and mucous, I crawled meekly to my local clinic, begging for relief in either the form of a pill or swift death.  Little did I know that the waiting room TV held all of my life's answers for me.  The Neti Pot's wisdom had just begun to blossom, with the peaceful, semi androgynous woman calmly tilting her head in that graceful arch, as the fluid ran from her nose.  I must say I was entranced, when I stood I realized I had a slight erection.  I let my swollen member guide me out of the room, to my hatchback, and back to my barren house I called home. I ordered two Neti Pots and my life had begun.

When they arrived my wife could scarcely look at me.  She told me I was no man, a eunuch in the eyes of everyone, especially her.  I ignored her wicked words and unpacked the treasures delicately.  For my first nasal irrigation, I lit candles, put on smooth jazz, and wore my silk bathrobe.  I wanted this moment to be sacred, my sham of a life that I had practically given up on was within reach.

When I put the tip to nostril, I shuddered slightly with excitement.  The warm mixture slithered down my nasal passage, claiming me as it went.  When the water came out of the other side, I felt as if all of the other elements were pouring out with it.  A deep moan escaped me, I was filled with such relief and indescribable pleasure.  From that moment on Neti Pots became my fix, a drug and anti-drug all in the same package.  I had never felt such an attachment in all my 53 years.  I was home.

It took years for me to finally come out about my feelings for the Neti Pots.  My wife continued to ignore me until she could take it no more.  She burst into my ceremony one evening and gave me an ultimatum: it was either her and the cats or the Neti Pots.  Only a fool would choose hatred over love.  I chose the only faithful servant I had remaining, the Neti Pot.

So you see, Neti Pots have not been my ruination.  There are no more secrets, falsities, or passive aggressive tendencies.  I've been sober for three years, and am proud to say I no longer have fantasies of my own death.  If I were to owe my life to any one thing, living or inanimate, it would be the Neti Pot.  It has done more for me in this world than any creature ever could.  Thank you Neti Pot, may your saline solution spread far and wide filling the nostril of every man, woman, and child.